Chris Rattue: Highs and lows of rugby

Green alert. Green alert.

The Fiji Rugby Union's recent 12-month ban imposed on wing Vilimoni Delasau - for testing positive to cannabis after the test at Albany in June - must serve as an example to rugby at all levels.

The New Zealand Rugby Union might have given Delasau a slap on the wrist with a soggy packet of papers but Fiji threw the book at him.

In the truth-is-stranger-than-fiction department, Delasau takes the cake. Deciding to get stoned for the first time in your life while preparing to face the All Blacks is not normal.

We all knew that Fiji would get hammered during the game, but hardly suspected one of them was doing the same before it.

So while Delasau insists it was a once-only occurrence, rugby must take heed before it is inundated with more roll-your-own models. Having stoners operating in test rugby is a major concern.

It's time for the game to go on full alert and stamp out performance-reducing drugs. Coaches and managers - especially those at test level - should be on the lookout for the following player behaviour.

* Running the wrong way after halftime. This can be a naturally occurring phenomenon in the lower grades, but should be treated with suspicion at NPC level and above.

* Trying to eat all the oranges at halftime. The munchies are a dead giveaway. Professional players who insist on carbo-loading at icecream parlours should be placed under watch.

* A preoccupation with introducing '60s music into the team culture. (A telltale sign is any player who brings along LPs which are in the wrong covers.)

* An inability to figure out the coin tossing system before matches.

* Forgetting things like the coach's name, and referring to him as "man". For example: "Hey man - is Sitiveni Sivivatu playing for us or them?"

* Repeatedly asking what the score is and hugging team-mates in jubilation after a loss.

* Giggling during the halftime team talk.

NOTE: ALL behaviour of this nature should be reported pronto to your nearest rugby union.