Chris Rattue: All spin, no substance, but see you all next time

If they were handing out medals for the ability to hold an audience's attention, Sir Clive Woodward would have the podium creaking under the sort of strain his Lions showed about 10 minutes into their tour opener against Bay of Plenty.

Actually, to think back a little further, the tour began against an Argentine team who almost delivered one of the greatest shocks in rugby history, although in retrospect it would only have ranked as a decent tremor.

From the woe, as in woeful, to the go, the 2005 Lions were the most expensive performance flop in rugby history.

From a 9 million ($23.3 million) operation, the moments of excellence came down to a blistering and all too brief opening in Rotorua, Gareth Thomas' charge through an All Black defensive gap in Wellington, and a Mark Cueto cameo against Auckland. These paltry returns leave a lot of unaccounted-for expenditure.

And yes, the Lions may have dealt comfortably with the provinces but they had an extraordinary knack of being anonymous in victory.

In the tradition of stage double acts where the straight guy was always paid more, the high-priced Lions were the perfect foil for the New Zealand Maori who drew the applause in Hamilton.

As the lead-footed Lions stumbled into oblivion, Woodward was left caught in the headlines along with the hired help, who turned into a hired gun without any bullets after firing them into a few spares into his foot.

Alastair Campbell, the media man, was a disaster.

For a start, Campbell was tainted by his association with the British spin surrounding the Iraqi war. It is difficult to sell a sports tour as a fond journey from the past when the man allegedly organising the field trips, and disorganising them as it turned out, is not far removed from a real war room.

As they say, the first casualty of war is the truth.

In this particular field of conflict, the oldest retort is simply "look at the scoreboard".

Even Campbell was powerless over that.

His presence even contributed to the tactical disaster of attacking Tana Umaga after the first test.

And who knows who wrote Woodward's departure lunge, but littering a farewell speech to victorious hosts with warnings about their future is laughable.

Woodward also erred with early selections, in terms of who were his best players and in failing to build a test team.

He relied on the English old guard and thought he could build cohesion on the blackboard (if they still use such a thing) and behind a training ground canopy.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. While every Tom, Dick and Harry salesman was trying to pitch us a brand, Woodward didn't give the product a chance to develop.

And if England in particular don't move on from the manner of their World Cup triumph, they will trap themselves in failure.

And yet ...

To see this tour as a coaching failure overlooks fundamental problems in the British game - particularly the quality of raw player material - and ignores the injury list and that players like lock Paul O'Connell were simply out of form.

The imports at British clubs reveal their attitude to encouraging flair. The sharpest talent in an English backline of late has been Jason Robinson, from league ranks.

The great if spasmodic tradition of sparkling Lions backs was incinerated rather than reincarnated in 2005. The only decent sidesteps were performed by Woodward.

If the Brits could somehow combine the size of Will Greenwood and the spark of Josh Lewsey and Shane Williams, they may have something.

Nothing summed up their problems like the Lions' chief twinkle-toes, the Welshman Williams, being tossed around like a rag doll in Wellington.

The Lions forwards also lacked the All Blacks' dexterity.

It's not the whole story but a significant New Zealand edge - and one not yet fully exploited, although Graham Henry is on the right track - is the Polynesian influence.

Australian rugby is benefiting likewise, although not to the same degree - yet.

It is stating the obvious to say that the professional ranks of all sports, from American football to English soccer and indeed British club rugby, are an increasingly darker shade than pale.

For a telling indication of the growing Polynesian/Maori football influence in these parts, scan through the NRL team lists.

Sir Clive and a Hollywood lot full of cameras won't get around that problem.

And so to our guest's manners, or lack of them. Let's be fair - Woodward is not the only soup-slurper in world rugby.

Our particular nadir came in 1999 when a spell of the most breathtaking French rugby at the World Cup was met with our claims the All Blacks were beaten by thuggery. Then we beat ourselves up.

Even if Woodward dribbled at the chin, the Lions fans took their drubbings with far more grace than we often muster.

And for lips touched with lemon, try Wallaby coach Eddie Jones' "they are the best team in the world - by one minute" response to England's World Cup victory two years ago.

Woodward's most infuriating habit is sprinkling his sentences with invective.

While on reconnaissance here, he could hardly open his mouth without needless, derogatory reference to Graham Henry's performance as the 2001 Lions coach. Warm-hearted congratulations were never part of his repertoire.

As to the success of the tour, it depends much on perspective. If you happen to be in the camper van rental business, there might be a Lions team photo on the wall. If you were a fan anticipating the touring buzz of days gone by, you might not be a happy camper.

As for the warm fuzzies from the Lions players about new and lasting friendships, nine million quid seems an awful amount of money for an exercise to turn the Power of Four into a Table for Six.

What the tour lacked most of all was a nailbiting test contest, because it is fear of defeat that gets the adrenalin flowing.

The All Blacks reached great heights, yet the final 40 minutes at Eden Park was close to a shambles and the contest long gone by then.

These Lions were so poor that instead of providing relief from the Tri-Nations, they whetted the appetite for the task of beating the Boks and overthrowing the Aussies.

The real test of the Lions future will be how the European clubs respond when their players are called upon in future.

Yet the Lions are, without doubt, a concept worth saving even if they did not live up to what were moderate expectations this time.

If the Lions' prospects rested on results in this country, this tour-only concept would have disappeared a long time ago.

The sheer intrigue of it all is fascination enough. And the packed stadiums and thousands of supporters that followed them are compelling reasons for the concept to not only just survive.

There even has been a suggestion by one British media man that they might thrive if allowed to play on home soil.