Chris Rattue: Dan Carter: Practically perfect in every way

Since it is widely accepted that the third test will prove to be a forlorn conclusion for the touring Lions, let's salute the heroes - and identify the anti-heroes - from a seven-week wallow in rugby hedonism

Heroes

1. Daniel Carter

This boy is well on the way to a highly enjoyable life. Apart from playing for Canterbury, he is just about perfect in every way.

To quote the American Football coach Mike Ditka: "Luck means a lot in football, and not having a good quarterback is bad luck."

Ditto for first five-eighths. You just can't play rugby at the top level without a good one, and Carter is already better than good.

Rub your hands together, All Black fans. World domination is at hand.

Oh dear, there we go again, getting carried away. Remember 1991, '95, '99, 2003, last year's Tri-Nations, and so on and so forth (and backwards).

But there is hope with Carter around.

By far the most unusual thing about Carter's game is that he is outstanding in every department, something outlawed in New Zealand first five-eighths until now.

Our most successful test No 10 of the past couple of decades is Grant Fox, who guided the All Blacks to their only World Cup triumph. Foxy reached hero status without needing to run with the ball or tackle. Remarkable.

This is no slur, because Foxy came from a different era which later spawned the erratic talent of Carlos Spencer and the elegant but more gentle game of Andrew Mehrtens.

Colin Meads was showing age when he called for Mehrtens to get a third-test farewell. Carter is a prototype for New Zealand first five-eighths and this is no time to revert to type.

The other notable thing about Carter is that he isn't exactly ugly.

You would think that someone capable of such sporting heights might at least have a wonky ear or a gap between his teeth, just to balance things out.

But oh no. He also gets to look like a model.

Strap in tight and get ready for Carter-mania.

2. Richie McCaw

Another Cantabrian, but we Auks have to cop that. The Lions' No 7s were on a hiding to nothing with McCaw around. He already stands, in this humble opinion and probably plenty of others, as the finest openside flanker to wear the All Black jersey.

There is a rush on to anoint Carter as the best player in world rugby, but if there is such an animal then McCaw is the man. His ability to be nigh on perfect, with a remarkable work rate and physical clout, is remarkable in rugby's suicide alley.

If McCaw can keep up this level over time, he might just start to rival Meads as our greatest All Black. I know, I know. Sacrilege. Wash your mouth out and all that. But McCaw is that good.

He's also magazine cover material but that's probably Dan's domain. And the way McCaw's noggin gets banged around, the offers could dry up. And anyway, he's a forward.

3. The All Black coaches

They have made every post a winner since Paris last year. You wouldn't actually know this by their press conference demeanour. Wayne Smith tries a little grin but he's always been a new wave hipster in rugby terms. Graham Henry and Steve Hansen adhere more closely to the time-honoured tradition of All Black humour, which dictates you only give it the full-on smile in the confines of your own home.

Still, top marks to the coaches. They are living up to the dream-team billing.

4. Tana Umaga

Believe it or not, some whispered before the series that the All Black captain was past his best and might be a handbrake on Graham Henry's attempt to build an F1 rugby machine. They also said he certainly wasn't quick enough for centre.

Oh ye of little faith. Has there ever been a more commanding performance by an All Black centre or captain in a series? The Lions picked on the wrong fella there. The 32-year-old has been so good that it suggests he could still be a force at the next World Cup, with a little nursing along the way.

5. Jonny Wilkinson

For his dignity and commitment, through injury problems, to an increasingly ramshackle operation. The highly competitive Wilkinson appears to take the highs and lows of rugby life with grace. He will certainly leave these shores with far more dignity than the whining Brian O'Driscoll.

6. Tony 'The Tash' Woodcock

A surprise choice maybe, but there has been a lot of talk about that mo' and what kind of man stands behind it. It reeks of Wild West lawman to me. And Woodcock (left) has stood up to the Northern Hemisphere gun slingers as if it was just another simple daily task, like cleaning out the jailhouse.

There is something so utterly dependable and straightforward about Woodcock that it's difficult to work out how he came to play for North Harbour (or the latter-day Blues for that matter).

One suggestion is that he is linked to an undiscovered landing by a Canterbury spaceship near Helensville 25 years ago. No offence Mr and Mrs Woodcock, but your boy is very unusual among the Harbour ranks. A rising All Black hero.

7. The fans

Brilliant. The camper-van crowd, and the hometown mob.

8. Joel Jutge

A memorable refereeing performance in the Christchurch winterland.

... And for a few anti-heroes

1. Alastair Campbell

The Lions' media supremo could start a war anywhere. The next Lions tour party might be best advised to employ a media officer who is a bit less abrasive and knows a little bit more about rugby - Mike Tyson, for instance.

If Campbell was the prime mover behind the Umaga hoopla, then he has written one of the greatest motivational speeches for an opposing side in sports history.

Politics must be a different game because on this form the Tories should be in power.

It has been interesting, having a dead-set communications genius in our midst.

2. Sir Clive Woodward

It will be intriguing to see what emerges when the Lions touch down, especially if Sir Clive and Big Al have been sitting next to each other on the plane. By the time those two get through Customs, the Lions might have won the series.

Sir C was at his whacky best when he suggested after the second test that the Lions should in future park the top team in Melbourne for five weeks, yes that's Melbourne in Australia and five weeks, where they would be wrapped in cotton wool, play a few training matches then rip across the Tasman for the tests.

Yes, I can repeat that. Sir C's suggestions is that the ...

Presumably they would keep the spirit of Lions tours to New Zealand going by visiting schools and hospitals in Darwin.

3. Brian O'Driscoll

Let's just say that pleading with the other team to say sorry after a rugby match isn't a good look.