48 hours: Barmies just wanna have fun

It was a dangerous undercover mission, but someone had to do it.

The weekend's task was to infiltrate the Barmy Army so as to give the home defence force some intelligence to work with.

The target was Barmy Army project manager Freddie Parker, who has been in New Zealand off-and-on for a year, smoothing the way for the thousands of Lions fans.

As it turned out, the only undercover element needed was sitting indoors at a Viaduct Harbour cafe.

And the greatest danger was to Parker himself. In return for Barmy Army information and strategies, all he required was a traditional English breakfast - one of the most dangerous substances known to mankind.

Parker - with years of fry-up missions behind him - lived to tell tales.

He was once in the real Army. Then he became a police constable, working in a special operations unit dealing with drugs and robberies around London.

In 2003, he headed to Australia to watch the rugby World Cup, where he met - in a pub, unsurprisingly - Paul Burnham, a Barmy Army founder. It changed Parker's life.

After hanging around with Burnham for eight weeks, he was offered a job as one of the Barmy Army's six full-time workers in England.

There isn't enough room here to detail just how organised the Barmy Army is. But suffice to say they will have up to 10 staff here, and a headquarters at the old Alinghi America's Cup base at the viaduct, which can hold 6100 people.

This is no drinking hole, either. It will include a travel centre, expo centre promoting New Zealand, sports merchandising, internet cafe, chill-out zone, big screens, stages for events, and - yes - a bar.

The Army is essentially a fan-fun club, but is also a limited liability company, making money from sponsorship, merchandising, as a travel agent, etc.

Born in the mid-1990s during a disastrous English Ashes cricket tour of Australia, a band of 100 desperately loyal singing and joking fans has grown to become the most famous and well-loved travelling show in the sports world.

"We want to make sure the fans leave with a smile on their face - that's the main aim," says Parker.

"We're organised, we're no trouble, we're fun-loving sports fans."

The Army also donates to charity. An auction for Cure Kids during the week before the final test in Auckland will be the Barmy Army's way of thanking New Zealand for hosting around 25,000 touring fans, although less than half will be officially listed Army members.

But while Parker and his mates are seriously charitable, he doesn't spare the curses over what he found during last year's England tests plus Super 12 and NPC games.

"I can't understand why the atmosphere in stadiums here is so poor," he says.

"I've been to most of your stadiums - the atmosphere is absolutely diabolical.

"I went to a game recently where it took just eight minutes before a Mexican wave started. That isn't atmosphere. You should be there to get behind your team.

"You do a Mexican wave when your team has absolutely hammered the opposition. Are you there to watch rugby and get behind your team, or just to muck around?

"There's a lack of passion. The best atmosphere is at Carisbrook because of the students. I'm not saying it was good, though.

"Kiwis are quite conservative. I'm hoping they may learn a bit from us. We are the most passionate sports fans in the world.

"I'm really trying to get Kiwis to support their team properly, because I think they're awful at it. The Barmy Army needs a challenge. But I don't think the Kiwis are up to it."

And as for the series, the official Parker Army prediction is 2-1 to the Lions.

"There's so much media and public expectation of the All Blacks. They'll bottle it and fold again," he says.

"They've traditionally been the best team in the world when it doesn't matter. Come to a major event, and they blame it on food poisoning or whatever.

"It's the pressure of expectation. The fans need to get behind them, but instead they just sit there in the stadiums and expect them to win."

By this stage, it's not just our reputation that's been smashed. The traditional English breakfast has taken a severe hammering from Freddie Parker.

Before he heads back to his Auckland apartment, there's time for a parting shot.

Parker-supplied question: Why do the Lions need 27 support staff?

Official Army Answer: "After we found out that Ma'a Nonu got caught sticking on make-up, we realised we'd need to bring make-up artists so we look as pretty as the All Blacks do on the pitch.

"You've got Justin Marshall who's dyed his hair, Carlos Spencer loves his image, Daniel Carter models boxer shorts and is very backside-conscious. We might need to change our sponsor to Revlon."

Ouch - this is unfriendly fire. The Barmies support charity, but they can be so uncharitable.