KEY POINTS:
There is one addiction Jimmy Cowan will never make an apology for. The dream, the intoxicating drug of being an All Black fires him up even more than the demons which came with his alcohol problems.
Staying off the "sauce" has been an ongoing battle since his latest mid-year dramas but it is a scrap he knows he must win and one he feels he is conquering. Staying in the All Blacks and playing more tests is no contest for the gritty Southland halfback when he weighs up his duels with the drink.
"I got stuck in for the long haul and I am reaping the rewards now but it is through hard work too so I am claiming the rewards now," he said.
Cowan also acknowledged that his work back into the mainstream had been helped by injury to others like Brendon Leonard and Andy Ellis and he had to work extra hard to stay ahead of other available halfbacks like Piri Weepu and Alby Mathewson.
He was 26, he felt he was playing with some added maturity and breadth to his game, he thought his overall vision in a game had improved. He had increased his study and preparation away from matches after the tough times mid-year.
"I was in a dark place, I was at rock-bottom and you can't go any lower. So my steps were to climb and I have managed to climb and I can see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel as they say."
He felt far more comfortable going to after-match celebrations or to social events and tossing back some real lemonades rather than the alcohol laden tipples which led to him crashing and burning.
"I reassessed my life and where it was going. Hindsight is a great thing but it is fair to say that I am glad it happened and I am benefiting now."
It would take half an hour to go through the list of those who had helped him move on from his troubles and he was determined to repay them by his deeds in the black jersey. He was still in the early stages of recovery and while there had been some low moments, he knew it was either rugby or the drink.
The answer for Cowan was simple, it was an easy sacrifice to make. Rugby and playing for the All Blacks meant the world to him and many others would like to be playing round the world for the best team in the globe.
It had not really been difficult when he weighed up what he would miss out on if he kept imbibing. His mates respected his decision, they chipped him in good humour and Cowan was learning to deal with that ribbing and abstinence.
Cowan's comments were a neat counterpoint in a land famed for its Guinness with the squad hoping they would not be drowning any sorrows in the black gold if their 103 year winning hold over Ireland came unstuck this weekend at Croke Park.
The halfback will start his 19th test since his 2004 debut against Italy on the end of year tour. His career stuttered along, his running game disappeared at times and he took a hit when he started in the All Blacks only loss in 2006 against the Springboks in Rustenburg.
He remembered he took a hammering after Rustenburg but "I stayed true to myself, I stayed strong in myself, I always believed I had the ability to play international rugby and the coaches have put faith in me too".
Cowan made the most of his hang-tough mentality and also wondered if someone was looking down on him. He prided himself on his rugged never-say-die approach on the field.
"International rugby is a tough place to be in but it is something I thrive on too," he added. "When the going gets tough that is something I really enjoy."
He had a good base for that, playing his early rugby in a Southland side which constantly battled. This year the Stags made the Air New Zealand Cup semifinals and he and Jamie Mackintosh were examples for those in the region to stay rather than seeking their rugby fortunes elsewhere.
The Southland coaches had changed the province's style, they had opened up their attacking intent and Cowan felt the next few years would be productive for the southern men.
He did not feel threatened by the other All Black halfbacks, he liked the idea that Weepu and now Albie Mathewson would dovetail their duties for the benefit of the team rather than any personal glory.
"I can't worry about Piri or Alby getting the next game, I just have to go out there and play good rugby and the rest will take care of itself," he said.
The Northern Hemisphere opponents were tough and it was sapping work at the end of his season. It would only get harder in the next few weeks.
