The art of understanding Coach-speak

All Blacks coach Graham Henry didn’t tell his players the full facts. Photo / Getty Images

Last weekend saw a new peak in coach-speak; that wonderful dialect designed to obfuscate and subtly mislead; to cloud the just-seen-it-with-our-very-own-eyes obvious and replace it with a little ray of sunshine. PR practitioners call it polishing the turd', says Paul Lewis.


No one minds a bit of coach-speak here and there. It's expected.

We all know that coach-speak is designed to shelter the players; those whom have been chosen to do a job and trained to do same. But if there's an opportunity for some quality ass-covering, then don't mind if we do... Sometimes, however, it goes too far - and it seemed to go altogether too far last weekend.

It's hard to know where to start or who to rank highest (or should that be lowest?) but here are the Herald on Sunday's Harry & Lloyd Awards, configured in ascending order.

Harry and Lloyd, in case you don't know, are the heroes from that silly 1994 movie Dumb & Dumber, about the misadventures of two well-meaning but phenomenonally stupid friends. They were responsible for dialogue like:

Lloyd: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day! Harry: No way!

Lloyd: I'll give you three to one odds.

Harry: No.

Lloyd: Five to one.

Harry: No. Lloyd: Ten to one?

Harry: You're on!

Lloyd: I'm gonna get ya!

Harry: Nuh-uh!

Lloyd: I don't know how but I'm gonna get ya.

You get the picture. We were going to call them the Mario & Darrell awards - they being the two NBA rookies (Chalmers & Arthur respectively) who attended a seminar last year designed to teach new guys how to avoid being caught in compromising situations and who were caught later that night with women and marijuana in their hotel rooms.

But we figured they were even dumber than Harry and Lloyd and we needed to veer a little closer to the barely credible.

8. Ian McGeechan (Lions rugby coach)
"If you look at the quality of rugby we played, some of it was outstanding. The players have done us proud but we are still disappointed. We had two or three scoring chances in the first half which we did not take."

COACH-SPEAK TRANSLATION: We played the best rugby if you conveniently forget that our scrum got stuffed; our lineout dismantled early - with a Bok try coming from one of our throws; we lost the breakdowns significantly and they had all the ball and led 26-7. But if that Welsh git had kicked a couple of penalties in the first half, it could have been different...

7. Peter de Villiers (Springbok rugby coach)
Leading the Lions 26-7 and in charge of a team that was plainly outclassing the Lions, de Villiers hauled off the following players and replaced them with substitutes: Tendai Mtawarira (who was dismantling the Lions scrum almost singlehandedly), hard man Bakkies Botha, star flanker Heinrich Brussow, scrum half Fourie du Preez, first five-eighths Ruan Pienaar and captain and tighthead prop John Smit. In other words, he got rid of players who made up most of the beating heart of the Boks.

Not surprisingly, the Springbok ship lurched a bit and the Lions began a fine comeback which saw the final score 26-21, with the Boks hanging on nervously at the end. De Villiers admitted on the night he'd made a mistake but then chose to defend himself on the Monday. "I was replacing Springboks with Springboks, not schoolboys. I felt we needed to inject some pace and energy into the game. Do they [media and fans] know we won the match? If we beat them by one point, I will rejoice.

COACH-SPEAK TRANSLATION: If I admit I made a mistake, it means I don't trust the boys who came on. I was too scared of those sitting on the bench not getting enough rugby for the remaining tests matches so I gave them a trot - but if I say that, I will sound like I knew I was injecting confusion, not pace and energy.

6. Wayne Smith (All Blacks back coach)
"I think he did well," Smith said of All Black first five-eighths Stephen Donald, whose horror game against France was the stuff that would normally consign a player to ex-All Black status. "It was very difficult for him. I thought he fronted up well and physically, he ran when he needed to run and got us going forward, so I'm reasonably happy."

COACH-SPEAK TRANSLATION: Defend your players, defend your selections, defend your players' confidence... has anyone got Carlos Spencer's phone number?

5. Steve Hansen (All Blacks forward coach)
"I defy anyone to play good rugby in conditions like that", the week after he had suggested that Super 14 was a few rungs below test rugby.

COACH-SPEAK TRANSLATION: If I tell them that the ball was slippery and it was wet and cold, that will fix things. Stating the bleeding obvious always works, just like last week when I said Super 14 wasn't test rugby and that's what we had been playing. Funny, though, Beast Mtawarira and his Bok mates played the same Super 14 competition and they seemed to beat the Lions up front.

4. Andy Moles (Black Caps' coach)
"He seems to be the favourite kicking bag back home," Moles said [of woefully out of form Jacob Oram]. "He gets a hard time when he's injured but he's now played for two months injury-free when others are falling down around him. Now his form is not quite right, so everyone's having a crack at him for that."

COACH-SPEAK TRANSLATION: Why, oh why, did Jake say he was considering giving up his test career for the shortened version of the game? All he did was heighten expectations that he would perform at this level - but now he just looks like a goose and I have to defend him.

3. Brad Fittler (Roosters coach)
He fined himself A$10,000 for drunkenly knocking on the Townsville hotel door of two Australian women and trying to get in, wearing no shirt and only a pair of shorts.

Fittler came out with these two interesting statements after his players lost to the Cowboys after his Friday night can't-find-my-own-room episode:

"I had my shirt off because I was getting ready for bed. I took it off as I got out of the lift. It wasn't a great state to be in, to be fair. I am totally aware of my position as a coach and as a leader of the Roosters. It is poor form, there is no doubt and there is no excuse."

He also said of the defeat: "I thought there was a couple of players that really let us down and didn't show the same sort of urgency the other guys did. That is where you fall foul sometimes when you are at the bottom of the ladder, you know, some blokes just get a bit tired or don't have the professionalism or experience to fight week in, week out."

Note the word professionalism'.

COACH-SPEAK TRANSLATION: "Hello, hello... is that the Warriors?"

2. Ricki Herbert (All Whites coach)
Pranced up and down the sideline, hugging passers-by like the All Whites had won the World Cup in the 0-0 draw with Iraq and the historic first point in the Confederations Cup. Even the TV commentator felt moved to draw the world's attention to the New Zealand celebrations as being the mightiest he had ever seen after a 0-0 draw.

Herbert wouldn't comment when asked after the game if his celebration was a bit excessive but did say: "We've never come to a tournament and dictated a game like that before. It was humbling and I'm very proud of this team."

COACH-SPEAK TRANSLATION: We got a point. What is wrong with you people? I don't care if the credibility of New Zealand football is damaged with the large slice of the population who don't follow the sport that much and who think we are all pathetic losers who go mental over a goal-less draw. Real football people will know that today was a triumph. I mean, Brian Turner was in tears...

1. Graham Henry (All Blacks coach)
First, you get in All Black legend Brian Lochore who gently points out that you came prepared for a battle the previous week (when you lost to the French) but not the war.

Then you prepare your troops - well, it must be said - to take on and beat the French up front.

But you don't tell them they need to win the match by five points or more to retain the Dave Gallaher trophy. So when Piri Weepu unknowingly kicks the ball out to end the match instead of seeking more points, the All Blacks win the test but lose the series. French coach Marc Lievremont points out with Gallic coolness that maybe it was France that won the war (there's a new twist) because "we haff zis leetle trophy...".

Questioned about his logic, Henry said the coaches hadn't wanted to burden the young side with such details.

"We didn't pass that info on. We felt they didn't need that extra pressure, they are relatively young," said Henry.

COACH-SPEAK TRANSLATION: Everyone knows that we, the coaches, are the real strength behind the All Blacks. If we weren't here, who knows what would happen.

I'm not saying we treat them like babies but, honestly, if I wasn't up in the morning to show them where the breakfast table is, half of them would be eating the lampshades. We talk a lot about player empowerment and enablement but all that really means is enabling them to find the power point for their X-boxes.

And, sheesh, everyone knows that the June tests are meaningless so why's everyone getting so het up about a trophy no-one cares about?

CORRECTION: Sorry, we just made that up. It isn't right or even realistic. We apologise. Here's the real translation:

Whoops.

To those who want to argue what would have happened if the All Blacks, knowing they needed five points or more, lost the second test to a French counter-attack, I blow the biggest raspberry this side of the Kapiti Coast. Our own Gregor Paul espouses this but he is sadly wrong (see story, p85). Losing the series 2-0 is just the same as losing it 1-1. Either way, it is lost. Ask the players whether they'd rather have a test win or a series win; to enjoy silverware or second place. Whether they should have asked or they should have been told is immaterial. A loss is a loss is a loss, according to the rules of the competition, sensible or not.