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SYDNEY - Fallen Australian league idol Andrew Johns has revealed that he considered taking his own life on more than one occasion during his illicit drug scandal in London and Australia.
Johns was arrested for possession of an Ecstasy tablet outside a London tube station on August 26 and spent five hours in jail, where he admits to having been "on the verge" of suicide.
Drunk and high from a binge session, Johns decided against taking his own life behind bars, however he would face the same dilemma only a few days later as the media pounced on the story of his British arrest.
"There were media out the front of my house. Some were ringing the doorbell on the front wall," Johns reveals in his autobiography, The Two of Me, released today.
"I was on my own, pacing the house, going up and down the stairs, looking out the curtains, a prisoner in my own home with journalists and TV cameras parked on the footpath.
"That's when I became close to being suicidal. I consciously thought of taking my own life.
"I was in a massive state of depression, thinking, 'What have you done to your family and those closest to you? What have you done with your life?' This was all while the media were outside my house, sweating on a big story.
"I'm not disclosing this to get any sympathy or to make the media feel guilty. It's not easy admitting a tough, big-shot footballer was on the verge of suicide because he'd got some bad headlines. But it's part of my story.
"And maybe it might bring home just how bipolar can affect someone; the fact that 15 per cent of people who suffer the condition commit suicide is a scary statistic.
"I'm sure glad something stopped me taking that way out of my dilemma that day."
Johns, who retired because of a neck injury early this year, believes his use of illicit substances traces back to problems with alcohol and a battle with bipolar disorder, a mental disease he's carried most of his life but which was only diagnosed in 2004.
The Newcastle, NSW and Australian Test champion had always planned releasing a brutally honest autobiography, even before his drugs arrest and nationally televised confession on The Footy Show four days after his London arrest.
"I've carried the guilt for years that the perception of my life has been such a lie," he wrote.
"To be brutally honest, I hated Joey Johns. I hated the superstar-type figure I was perceived to be and I hated as much the person I really was.
"Now, and I'm only talking about since the second half of 2006, I am finally comfortable with who I am as a person."
And he remains nervous about the negative reaction his book may generate, not only for him but also for the game of rugby league which made him a superstar.
"I am worried about the reaction I will get. But the fact is I couldn't offer my memoirs as another version of the lie I feel I have lived."
- AAP
