A young fan waves a Warriors flag. Photo / Photosport
A young fan waves a Warriors flag. Photo / Photosport
OPINION:
1. Two words: the Warriors
Things aren't going great when even the 6'o'clock news is dunking on you. After a story on Newshub's Monday bulletin about meatworks, Mike McRoberts previewed sport with this inspired segue: "Speaking of getting slaughtered, the Warriors…"
As that spice suggested, this wasn't the bestweek for NRL chief Andrew Abdo to raise the possibility of New Zealand being awarded a second team.
The Warriors get outplayed by 11 men, a fortnight after shipping 70 points, and the NRL think this country hasn't suffered enough?
In fairness, there's no reason the new franchise will be similarly cursed. It's almost admirable to be that cursed.
But there's similarly no reason to think a new Wellington-based franchise will be any better. After all, the Warriors have been plugging away for 28 years and are still finding new depths to plumb.
Perhaps this NRL thing is quite difficult. Perhaps one team is enough. Perhaps, before we get a second, the first need to win some games - and win back the respect of the nation's newsreaders.
2. Small pond ain't big enough
Wayne Bennett. Photo / Photosport
The NRL will next season expand to 17 clubs, with the Dolphins giving Brisbane a second team, currently being constructed by Wayne Bennett.
Despite the inherent lures of the Dolphins - playing under Bennett, living near what Reece Walsh made seem a pretty good party scene, free passes to Sea World, presumably - the new boys are struggling to build a squad.
The blame has been laid on a shallow existing player pool, and potential recruits are being either overpaid to join the Dolphins or overpaid to stick with their current clubs.
That wouldn't be a problem in New Zealand, the Sydney Morning Herald explained, as a Wellington side could simply recruit promising rugby players rather than raid NRL teams.
What an elegant solution. It's a wonder no one has thought of it before. Rugby will surely be shocked when NRL scouts are suddenly floating around the schoolboy scene and enticing young talent to league.
Needless to say, if the Warriors have in recent years fought a losing battle to sign promising Kiwis in either code, any new side aren't going to have their pick of the crop.
3. Will there be good days in Wellington?
Let's first make one thing clear: jokes about empty yellow seats at the Cake Tin are asinine and unoriginal. With that said, if Wellington becomes home for an NRL team, fellas, it's time to start punching up those yellow-seat jokes.
There's gonna be a lot of them. Jokes, I mean. And empty yellow seats.
It's not Wellingtonians' fault. The city is just too small. Brisbane has 2.6 million people to support its second NRL team; Wellington has fewer than a tenth of that number.
Hurricanes games are sparsely attended, the Phoenix draw good crowds when visiting once a season, and cricket looks packed only when it's played on a roundabout.
That lack of potential supporters has been acknowledged. It's been suggested Wellington would be merely a base for a new NRL franchise, with Christchurch and other centres hosting games.
But that's a fine way to alienate a new fanbase before it's been developed. Good news, Wellington: you have a new team, but only occasionally. Tickets are on sale now.
General view of the Cake Tin. Photo / Photosport
4. It's not exactly the Old Firm
One of the main attractions of a second Kiwi side is the idea they would forge with the Warriors a gripping new rivalry, setting up two blockbuster derbies each season.
But seriously, have you met New Zealanders? We don't do rivalries. It's hard enough to support your own team; hating another seems like too much hassle.
Super Rugby derbies are derbies in name only. Aside from a little animus between Auckland and Christchurch, a vestigial flicker from the days when that was a decent rivalry, Kiwis make it easy to forget that fan is short for fanatical.
Away supporters don't travel to games, and if they did, would encounter only hospitality. Very few would be severely beaten outside the stadium.
This extends to players, too. Maybe one reason there's a lack of excitement in Super Rugby is that games are devoid of spite. No spite means no petty tweets, which means no grudges and no drama.
The same would be true in the NRL. New Zealanders just aren't cut out to hate things, unless those things are public-health measures designed to keep us alive.
5. NRL should go to PNG
Another apparent tick is that a second Kiwi team would be a boon for Pacific Island players, who form a sizeable proportion of the NRL workforce.
But you know what else would be a boon for Pacific Island players? A team based in the Pacific Islands. Specifically, Papua New Guinea, a country where league is the national sport and one with designs on winning an NRL side.
PNG's bid has been backed by its prime minister and raised the idea of linking with Fiji, Tonga and Samoa to create a unified Pacific team.
The merits of NRL expansion in general are debatable. But there's no question that league, like most sports, should try to expand globally.
And where a new team in Wellington would likely be met by classic Kiwi apathy, the sport-mad and sport-starved fans in the Pacific Islands - as seen recently in Super Rugby - would undoubtedly embrace a new side.
Alternatively, have we considered sending them the Warriors?
