Chris Rattue: When is a Kiwi not a Kiwi?

"But wait, there's more - and it's more lethal than a set of finely crafted steak knives."

That should be the motto of international league.

Did the eyes deceive, or did a weekend report carry the suggestion that the Kiwis might no longer be called the Kiwis for the Anzac test because English-based players are off-limits to them.

This, if my startled eyes read it right, is a kind of tit-for-tat move because a second-rate team of Kiwis who won't be called the Kiwis will play an alleged test match against Great Britain at St Helens next month. Follow that?

In other words, one very bad apple is being allowed to spoil a very small bunch.

When this ludicrous St Helens test was announced, hope for a renewed and vigorous, if limited, international league programme headed for the gurgler. It was a victory for the selfish club competitions, although even I wouldn't have predicted such a farcical conclusion.

Not only is the Anzac test now not played near Anzac Day, but the team involved might not even be the Kiwis. No doubt they'll get called the Infantrymen or some other rot.

Stop the New Zealand Rugby League bus, I want to get off - the ribs can't take their humour any more.

As the Spitting Image puppet show found years ago, it's difficult to parody the paradoxical.

But here's a suggestion:

The NZRL should decide whether to call the team the Kiwis after each test, basing the decision on whether they won. This would fashion a brilliant - if sparse - record.