KEY POINTS:
The fuss over the arrival of Andy Moles as the Black Caps cricket coach made you wonder for a minute whether we were witnessing the second coming of Christ ... or the second coming of Richard Hadlee.
Andy Moles is neither, and like the lineup of New Zealand cricket coaches who have gone before him, Moles will have more chance of walking on water than of turning our chaps into a truly fearsome test cricketing nation.
Great players make great coaches, the saying has it ... but that's not something that has ever been applied to our cricketers. It's also highly debatable whether coaches have all that much sway in test cricket.
A smallish country with dodgy weather and pitches, an obsession with rugby, a first class scene that defies the name, little test history to inspire and a talent pool that would hardly rank as a tear drop in India ... in other words the die is cast.
In a country where cricket has never had a widespread, fanatical following, changing social and financial times are hardly going to help the situation.
And so along came Moles who, we must remember, is a cricket coach and not a miracle worker. He at least has the outside prospect of enjoying a honeymoon period while the West Indies are here, but the more scathing areas of public opinion will already be waving separation documents his way by the time the brilliant Indians have breezed through the land.
Coaching New Zealand is largely a thankless task, as John Bracewell found out. The man had his faults, and a fair few oddities, but would a straight thinker have really made all that much difference?
Unless New Zealand finds a way of getting all the Daniel Carter types to start flinging willow and leather about in a tough domestic league, we'll have to make do with a future that will generally reflect the past - a test side that does okay for a small-time player.
New Zealand has done rather well to produce superstars, led by Richard Hadlee, Glenn Turner, Martin Crowe and Chris Cairns, over the past 40 years. That's about one deadset genius-by-our-standards a decade plus a few decent support acts - we've probably beaten the odds in producing a thin line of players that good. A country as large and fanatical about cricket as India produces a Sachin Tendulkar only now and then.
But the real trick is to come up with something approaching a dozen world-class players at a time, and I doubt if New Zealand will ever get close to that.
The majority of those who rise into the Black Caps test side are short of the necessary ability and hopelessly under-prepared for test battle.
Even our much vaunted captain Daniel Vettori rarely wins matches and has a test bowling average that is decidedly average.
Our band of merry men invariably comes unstuck against Aussies who are steeled by the Sheffield Shield; magical Indians and Pakistanis; troops of savvy if limited English professionals, and tough men from cricket-rich South Africa. New Zealand are still capable of the odd significant test victory, but then again, there hasn't been a win over Australia for more than 15 years and you can hardly blame Bracewell for all of that.
So good luck to Moles, who has made one sensible decision in hoisting the doughty Daniel Flynn up the order in return for Jesse Ryder sliding down towards what might be test oblivion unless he can sort out his shot selection.
We're a reasonable chance to nick a test off the struggling West Indians but that's about our lot.
The Hadlee years raised expectations to unreasonable and unsustainable levels - the great man was our cricketing Maradona, an extraordinary character who could make a decent team into a world-beating one at times. But those days are long gone, and they ain't returning any time soon. Or ever.
England's cricketers are being lauded for returning to play a two-test series in India, having quit for home before the one dayers were completed because of the Mumbai atrocity. All well and good, but what frame of mind can they be in? Deep down, they must still feel vulnerable, which is hardly conducive to playing well. You can't envy the people who have to make the decisions about whether to tour or not in these situations. It is claimed that Mumbai was an isolated attack, but how does anyone really know that?
League is going soft. Or stupid.
Suggestions by people like Bob Fulton that the behaviour of errant Australian league coaches is somehow justifiable because of pressure are laughable. For a start, the Kangaroos only play a couple of times a year and usually against busted opposition. And Bob, it's only a game, not life and death.
And is it really too much to ask of any coach that they refrain from subjecting referees to verbal and, as it turns out, physical intimidation? Ricky Stuart just had to stand down as the Aussie coach after an independent international board investigation revealed that he not only abused World Cup final referee Ashley Klein and English referees official Stuart Cummings after a chance meeting in a hotel, but that the altercation with Cummings involved "some physical contact". It is reported that Cummings intervened when he thought Stuart was going to hit Klein, leading to a scuffle.
Stuart's actions were hardly surprising to those of us who have witnessed him first hand - he's not all that flash of manner after winning.
While we're at it, what's the world coming too when the Aussie coach in waiting, Mal Meninga, speaks to the press through a third party? One Sydney newspaper had to quote "Meninga's business partner Jim Banaghan", who kept referring to Meninga as "Malcolm" rather than "Mal". That's not the raw-edged rugby league we've come to love.
As for Fulton, it's hardly surprising that he would try to defend Stuart after his appalling, profanity-laden outburst against Klein and Cummings following the Kiwis' historic win at Suncorp Stadium. Former Aussie coach Fulton was accused of something very similar at the 1995 World Cup in England where he blasted referees' boss Greg McCullum by claiming the World Cup was a "carve-up". And that was after his Aussie team had beaten the Kiwis in a semifinal.
For a lesson in decorum, Fulton, Stuart and co should think on the class of John Lang, who coached Super League Australia in the late 1990s. Lang lost heavily to Frank Endacott's Kiwis at North Harbour in 1997, but I will always remember how his wonderful manner, and the generous way he loved to chat about the game, remained unaffected during a low night in his career. I though it was worth mentioning, to show that not all Aussie league coaches are cut from the same unfortunate cloth.
Strange news from England. The voice of snooker, Clive Everton, is being shunted out of the TV commentary box to make way for the arrival of big name players. For many of us, it is impossible to think of snooker, especially in the glory years of Steve Davis, Jimmy White and co, without recalling Everton's hushed yet dramatic tones. He could pull a few sharp lines out of the rack as well. After Alex Higgins had disgraced himself (again) by peeing in a publicly-placed pot plant, Everton found the perfect moment in a game to make reference to it. "Higgins is going to take a slash at this plant," Everton said as Higgins prepared to cannon one ball onto another.
What a glorious coup should Carl Hayman return to New Zealand, cutting short his career at Newcastle. Fingers crossed. Hayman set the standards for tighthead props, and they haven't been matched. Newcastle have strongly denied suggestions he might return, but the story has a promising sound to it.
