Chris Rattue: No sex please - we're NZ Cricket

"What goes on tour stays on tour" is the battle cry of countless (male) sports teams.

This has not been the case for New Zealand Cricket's brilliantly titled Australian tour magazine Uncovered, however.

In a kneejerk, book-burning fiasco, NZC pulled the magazine mid-tour while Hugh Rennie, QC investigated the Daryl Tuffey sex tape allegations.

Rennie produced sensible findings yesterday, in a judgment that was easy to follow.

Thankfully, Tuffey's career has been saved - apart from the problem of his bowling.

But what of the magazine?

If Tuffey had been hung, drawn and quartered, would NZC have reproduced Uncovered with what they deemed to be a nice boy on the front cover?

After all, the aim of the magazine is to promote the tour and inform the public - hard to do while it languishes in a cupboard.

But with Tuffey condemned in a minor way by yesterday's report, will Uncovered and the paceman take their place again among the plethora of sports magazines, many of which feature near-naked and glistening bodies on the cover? Sex is okay sometimes, you see.

In the case of Uncovered, a prudish NZC in effect besmirched Tuffey's name by withdrawing it before the inquiry was held.

The headlines may have done Tuffey down anyway, but NZC did not have to leap into a witch-hunt.

There was always major doubt over the seriousness of the incident, and whether Tuffey was a willing moviemaker.

As it turns out, he was not.

NZC not only shot an irrelevant messenger, but one carrying a pretty innocent message.

Stories about Maia Lewis and Ricky Ponting hardly constitute smut. More importantly, Tuffey, while not perfect, has only shown himself to be all too human.

I hardly think that cricket's image has been tarnished, and not even remotely in comparison to the actions of ratbags such as the late Hansie Cronje, and cricketers with bookmaker mates.

Yet Uncovered - uncut - was hauled away.

NZC's action also implied that the intended audience did not have the brains to make their own judgments. What next - expunge Tuffey from the record books?

Since NZC's view of its own publications is so obviously slanted towards image rather than substance, I for one will bypass their future efforts.

And Uncovered - the Tuffey edition - won't go away. Its place in history is assured, not just as cricket's first smutty magazine but also for coded Nostradamus-like prophecies.

It features a picture on the cover of Tuffey playing a guitar, a harmless image which foretold his bowling, unless you are talking about the danger it presents to his own team.

There is also a picture of Tuffey about to bowl wearing shirt No 14. This, of course, is the number of balls he took to complete the first over of a one-day match at Eden Park.

The piece de resistance is the title, Uncovered, remarkably appropriate in light of the tape allegations.

"Daryl Tuffey - Tower of Strength" cries a subheading. I won't go further here.

This has been another fascinating part of a cricket tour to remember. And - for all the tut tuts you muster - it's very hard to avert the eyes from a sex scandal.

But while Rattue has been titillated by this giggle-behind-the-hand story, it has proved extremely difficult reaching outrage.

I've tried, but it just won't happen.

Outrage does sometimes afflict this column. The lack of interest shown by NZC in Matthew Hayden's claims that he was spat on at Wellington got the blood boiling. Cricket match-fixing and chuckers, cheating German soccer refs and the like are among other sore points.

But as for Tuffers, only amusement.

For sure, the review of his film debut was probably required. But Rattue is outraged that NZC - by withdrawing the magazine - implied some guilt before the inquiry was completed, and that they attached shame to the incident with indecent haste. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?

And who has been hurt here? Certainly not any members of the public. The main victims may be Tuffey and his fellow lead, and of course Tuffey's partner.

The faint-hearted may need to turn away here. Shock, horror - (mainly male) sports stars through the ages have been enthusiastic participants in the horizontal athletics department and not always fussy about the who, what, when, where and how many.

But for moral judgments, you be the umpire.

Sports stars, though, will have taken a serious safe sex note of the Tuffey affair.

In the age of micro-technology, it pays to ensure that any nearby handycam or cellphone-cum-camera is in its sheath.

He's playing to a different tune

Those who can remember twisting and shouting at the Windsor Castle in Parnell nearly 30 years ago might have recognised the character helping legions of Blues props off the field in Hamilton on Saturday night.

Then again, you probably won't. It was a while ago and as the old rock 'n' roll motto goes, if you can remember it you probably weren't there anyway.

Peter Coleman, who is in his sixth season as the Blues doctor, was a founding member of one of New Zealand's finest bands, Th' Dudes, who raged at places such as the Windsor, Gluepot, Globe and Island of Real (remember them).

Coleman was an original along with the celebrated Dave Dobbyn, Ian Morris and Peter Urlich, all schoolmates at Sacred Heart College.

Coleman was around for the first three years and his bass work figures in some versions of the Th' Dudes' classic Be Mine Tonight.

Sacred Heart College has been a rock 'n' maul school. Old boys include rugby great Sean Fitzpatrick plus Craig Innes and Xavier Rush.

In earlier times, Neil Finn was a year behind the lads from Th' Dudes, and Tim Finn a couple of years ahead. Well, it was almost Tim Finn.

"His name was Brian Finn then, before he changed to Tim," says Coleman, laughing.

Th' Dudes - which had broken up in 1980 - put out a much-loved compilation album in 1982, titled So You Wannabe A Rock 'n' Roll Star.

Four years earlier, Coleman had dealt with that question by quitting as the band's star rose and as he reached his fourth year of medical studies.

Coleman started his sports doctor career with Counties Manukau rugby. His wife, Judy Goulden, was a Silver Ferns doctor.

The couple, who have five children, are part of a practice in Drury.

Coleman has been lead guitarist in the Blues sessions, but is hoping Harbour No 8 Nick Williams is about to take over.

Coleman sees his old band mates now and then, and says they are friends for life. But his band days are long gone - he's never had a reunion jam.

"They moved way ahead of me," says Coleman. "But they were great times in the 70s and playing the Windsor was our favourite. But heck, yes, I made the right choice with medicine."

And another thing . . .

Is the Warren Gatland who has been appointed Waikato coach and Chiefs adviser the same Warren Gatland who Crusaders' coach Robbie Deans assured the world was signed up to the Blues?

Of course he is, you silly sausage.

From the gate-crushers' department . . .

The Warriors may need to look at their gate arrangements after hordes of fans missed the kickoff in the match against Manly.

There was just one gate open near the car park, which was clearly inadequate on the day.

The kickoff time - 2pm - might also have thrown many of the punters.

There was a steady flow of arrivals nearly half an hour into the match, even after the crowd crush had dissipated.