Mike Dillon: Problem? Not me, just those boys at the 'hive

COMMENT

Had a bet the other day.

Oops, there goes another 0.57 of a cent to the Government.

For each dollar that is.

Anyway, as I was saying, I had a bet the other day.

Harry the Hairy Toothed Tiger down at the rubbidy dub said, over something that looked disgustingly like a square gin, that there was going to be a human farting tax to assist problem gamblers.

How was that for easy money to bet against. Don't ever drink square gin.

How are they going to do that, I said to Harry as he wiped his favourite tipple off his ginger beard, when the jolly boys at Treasury couldn't make it stick on cows.

The word is the imaginative boys at the 'hive originally thought about a farting tax for us before realising the mooers are 10 times more prodigious at the old blurting than mere humans.

That's the sort of equation that makes politicians hot.

Harry handed me the bet money and moved off to watch the fourth re-run of the quarter finals of the synchronised swimming between, who cares, just as I was about to bet him that the greatest certainty in the next few weeks, outside the Chechen rebels not getting their way, is the Government slamming a tax on betting to look after problem gamblers.

I could have got Harry for another, well, can't really say in case the tax boys are in town.

Now, they haven't really thought this one through.

If Government didn't take so bloody much out of the betting dollar in the first place - I think Turkey is the only country that takes more out of the horse racing gambling dollar - punters would get bigger returns, no one would then go broke and therefore there would be no problem gamblers.

Going broke is the only time a gambler has a problem.

Even Harry understands that.

It might be too simplistic for politicians.

Getting the boys, or is it girls, in the windy city to think laterally is more difficult than getting into the mind of someone who would run the leader of an Olympic marathon off his feet.

It's not all bad. Now that we're all to become problem gamblers because so much is being taxed out of the betting dollar that there'll be nothing left to hand back, at least we're going to get looked after by Government, even if it is with our own money.

Sort of like compulsory saving really.

What about Damien O'Connor - they could hire him out as a Russian sword dancer.

As Associate Health Minister he announced the tax and as Racing Minister accepted it on the other side of the sword on behalf of the racing industry.

Wish I could tap dance like that.

Damien's not a bad bloke, but I'm going to follow him around at the races next week.

If he farts or bets I'm going to tap him on the shoulder.

Incidentally, Turkey takes more than 50 per cent out of the betting dollar.

Jeez, they must have some problem gamblers there.

You can't help wondering if their goats fart more than they do.