Steven Smith of Australia and David Warner. Photo / Photosport
Steven Smith of Australia and David Warner. Photo / Photosport
Who said this: "Cricket civilises people and creates good gentlemen. I want everyone to play cricket. I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen"?
If you answered Robert Mugabe, give yourself a sheet of sandpaper, a baggy green cap and a hankie for blowing your nose after weeping when the world catches you cheating.
Mugabe, the old rogue, must never have met disgraced Australian batsman David Warner. Mugabe's musings on gentlemanly conduct clearly never triggered a sense of hypocrisy even though he has, at various times, been accused of corruption, racism and human rights abuses.
But his quote on the gentlemanly virtues of cricket is worth trotting out now that some of the sporting world seems to be clamouring for an early return for cricketers Steve Smith, Cameron Bancroft and Warner. They were banned (12 months for Smith and Warner, nine for Bancroft) for their part in the sandpaper/ball-tampering scandal last year.
The general thrust of this nonsense followed the Longstaff report on Australian cricket's shortcomings (all 145 pages of it). It contained withering criticism of the culture within the governing body and the team and proposed new good-guy measures to prevent it happening again.
Now, we hear, character will become part of the selection criteria and sledging will become part of the game's anti-harassment code. Most of us can be forgiven for a cynical snort and thinking this is a bit like trying to pin a pit bull to a post with a paper clip.
Win-at-all-costs nasties magically transform into cheerful charmers? Give us a break.
The players' association, among others, wants the ban to be lifted so the trio can get back to work. This largely appears to be on the basis that Cricket Australia allowed this beastly culture to flourish – but no management types lost their jobs or faced similar bans (before embattled CA chairman David Peever resigned on Friday).
However, that was always a curious piece of logic. Fair enough, Peever had to go and maybe others too. But it's a leap to maintain that the "arrogant" and "controlling" culture of Cricket Australia was what persuaded the trio to cheat.
Didn't they know right from wrong? Didn't they have minds of their own? The admirals might plot the war effort but the captain steers the ship in battle and makes the at-sea decisions.
Australian Test cricketer Steve Smith is comforted by his father Peter as he confronts the media. Photo / Getty
Other sympathisers say they should be allowed to return because the punishment – loss of their big-ass salaries – has hit them hard enough. Sorry, but the only reason they had such high incomes was because they played for Australia. If you are handsomely rewarded for representing your country, it carries an inherent expectation of abiding by the rules and not damaging the game – or the team.
New Australian coach Justin Langer this week said everyone was ball-tampering and that it was "an international problem".
Yeah, well, Justin, that's no reason to shorten the bans but a damned good reason to make sure they are served out. There's probably no better signal unless it is replaying the video of Steve Smith in tears when the pressure got too much.
The last time we saw an Aussie captain blubbing like that was Kim Hughes' tearful resignation as Australian captain back in the '80s. Hughes was pilloried for his weeping and maybe Australia has grown a little as a society; Smith has not been subject to the same level of scorn.
Yet Hughes really had something to cry about. His biography – one of the most interesting cricket books in a long while – details how this golden boy cricketer not only had to deal with opponents but trenchant opposition from within his own team.
His talent made him a man apart – and we all know what happens in Australia (and New Zealand sometimes) when a talented individual doesn't do "humble" and whose personality differs from that of the herd. Hughes had failings, no question, but probably didn't deserve the hostility of the Australian senior players.
That included legendary paceman Dennis Lillee who would often bowl line and length in the nets until Hughes came in – at which time Lillee would steam in off his full run, fizzing bouncers at him. One former Australian batsman described the time Lillee followed through after a bouncer, saying: "Sorry". Hughes said: "That's all right". Lillee said: 'Sorry, I didn't f****** hit ya."
But let's be clear – the Aussies will come again. The great Allan Border took over as skipper after Hughes and dragged them up again, imbuing them with his pure, dogged, competitive stubbornness and compiling a test average of over 50 – remarkable when you realise he essentially had only three shots (but didn't he play them well?).
So they'll be back. And here's a prediction: they'll still be competitively abrasive and all this nice guy stuff will fade away. Australian cricket fans won't put up with pleasant losers.
