Paul Ford: Middle and Leg - Beige Brigade newsletter - Bombs, bats and BYC

Angelo Mathews would be having nightmares about Matt Henry. Photo / Getty

A walrus bombs into Laura McGoldrick's live cross at Hagley Oval. Commendable effort.

If you had "Give Sri Lanka an absolute pants-down hiding" on your Christmas list, Santa has well and truly delivered despite having David Warner on his knee earlier in the week. New Zealand has been outstanding in all facets of the game - although we could do with a tad less of the suicidal fielding. Only 105 overs out of a potential 200 overs have been bowled, and New Zealand has wielded the willow for just 30 of them.

The men from the Pearl of the Indian Ocean - or more appropriately "India's teardrop" - have been insipid and appalling in their last three innings in New Zealand. Angelo Mathews will be shedding tears and having nightmares about the permanently grimacing Matt Henry, Martin Guptill's Kookaburra bat and the panther-like fielding from the inner ring of Black Cap fielders.
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I was hacked off to see Pakistani tweaker Yasir Shah provisionally suspended after testing positive for chlorthalidone, a banned diuretic used to treat hypertension and known masking agent. He's a fascinating bowler to watch, hitting the crease at pace and operating a vigorous wrist swivel. He took 14/503 in the 3-test series against NZ in the UAE last year, and was the fastest ever Pakistani bowler to reach 50 wickets so his absence would put a major divot in their attack. (Shane Bond is the fastest Kiwi - and he took 12 to get there.)

Will this defence work, as outlined in the Daily Mail? "It is understood Shah will claim that the substance was part of medication for blood pressure that the Pakistan medical staff were supposed to clear with the International Cricket Council but failed to do so." Shambles!

Ironically Shah is a massive Shane Warnophile - Warne was banned for using diuretics back on the eve of the 2003 World Cup. Wicket dancer Warnie famously said the pills containing hydrochlorothiazide and amiloride were to diminish his double chin, and were supplied by his mum.
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The good folks over at the NZ Cricket Museum have published their 15 greatest Kiwi cricketing moments of the year, in a slightly pre-emptive strike before the final ODI of 2015 this morning. For me, it's impossible to go past the absolute scenes of Grant 'The Hairy Javelin' Elliott's six at Eden Park to catapult NZ into the World Cup final. It was an extraordinary, emotional moment - and eclipsed the not-quite-heart-stopping All Whites vs Bahrain football win at the Cake Tin in 2009.

Spare a thought for Elliott's saint of a wife that night too, in a hotel down the road looking after their kids (aka the hairy matchsticks)... Silver for Southee's seven wickets against England and Wales, and bronze for the Martin Guptill quarter-final assault on the West Indies.

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Rural New Zealand does BYC so well it hurts. Loved this wee yarn in the

Otago Daily Times

about Taylor's Cricket Club in Clyde, and the Q&A with club captain

Edward Taylor:

"Have you had anyone famous play on it?" "No, I don't know if we can claim that unless Jai Baxter counts." Honest as the day is long. Perhaps Ian Smith could swing by to add some significant star power once he's finished his

tequila shots

...

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Here's a record Kane Williamson hasn't got - Indian cricketer

Virag Mare

broke the Guinness record for the longest individual net session of 48 hours, previously held by Poms Dave Newman and Richard Wells.

A former street food and juice seller, Mare faced his first half-volley at 9.30am on December 22 and 14,682 balls later completed his 50-hour cricketing ultrathon. "I don't have words to express my emotions. The reason why I am able to talk merely 2-3 hours after I broke the record because I love this game. I had worked really hard to fulfil this dream," he said. He faced a smorgasbord of net bowlers, and a barrage of bowling machine deliveries.

Not sure who holds the New Zealand record, but my money would be on Mark O'Donnell (thrower) and Mark Richardson (throwee) from their time together at Auckland Aces.

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At Beige Brigade headquarters we are right behind

The Alternative Commentary Collective's

fantastic initiative to highlight the plight of the one-day international leave. It is almost a forgotten art, and it is set to be celebrated throughout the summer of 2016. Our vote for the greatest leave of all time, at least since colour TVs were invented, is John Bracewell's golden duck after crouching down to avoid what turned out to be a slow yorker from change-of-pace prime mover Simon O'Donnell at Lancaster Park in 1990.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

From Melbourne, the Clarke era knife-in-back

reminiscing

continues with Simon Katich on the throat-grabbing of Michael Clarke: "The hardest part about the whole affair was that it took me a month to get the fake tan off my hand."

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LISTEN:

West Indian cricketer not playing for the West Indies, Andre Russell has a moonlighting musical career as his alter-ego Dre Russ. He is

not terrible

. Who could give this a crack for the Pango Kiapas, possibly former Delhi Daredevil Doug Bracewell? Or the pride of Mooloolaba, Daniel Kyle Morrison?

READ:

Jarrod Kimber on Shaun Tait

, aka Wild Thing: "If you play in Australia you have played against a Tait. You know about them before you even turn up at the game. Everyone at your club's training session has mentioned them. You know they are "f****** psycho", that they broke some bloke's jaw and that they don't "give a shit about cricket, mate, they just like hitting blokes". Even before you have heard

Welcome to the Jungle

blaring out of their beat-up Holden as they arrived five minutes before the game, you fear them...

LISTEN:

The Violent Jamie How episode of

The BYC podcast

gets into a bulging bag of emails from around the world including news of Jayne's unhappiness, Muzz on Tim Southee, and Aaron's naming of his Rotund XI with the help of his colleagues at the Claremont Cricket Club.

WATCH:

Pepsi commercial starring Imran, Wasim and Waqar. It's the advertising equivalent of the current Sri Lankan batting line-up.

Middle & Leg is a cricket newsletter for New Zealand cricket fans who like a dose of optimism and a tablespoon of take the piss with their weekly cricket informational. It is tapped out by Paul Ford, co-founder of the Beige Brigade, and one-seventh of The Alternative Commentary Collective. You can email him here beigehq@beigebrigade.co.nz.