The Winter Olympics in Beijing officially kicks off with the opening ceremony on Friday night. Photos / Getty
OPINION:
Winter (Olympics) is coming.
It's only been about six months since the conclusion of the Summer Games in Tokyo, but it's now time for its darker, more mysterious cousin to shine.
The Summer Olympics is fun, accessible and for most people, THE Olympics. Almost every nation on the planet competes at the Games and it's probably the closest thing to a universal sporting experience there is.
But the Winter Olympics also has its charms and there's something cool about getting to focus on the more niche sports as a fan.
Like the Summer version, the Winter Olympics has the ability to reveal something about human nature and the world. And in this world, everything is cold.
The Winter Olympics has cool Zoomers pulling off sick tricks, the great sport of curling, and the danger factor (except for maybe curling), from athletes speeding down massive mountains to battling through grueling ice marathons.
The burning – or freezing? – question remains: What is the best Winter Olympics sport?
Here's every sport at the Winter Olympics ranked, from worst to best, split into four tiers.
The criteria:
1. Entertainment value/viewing experience.
2. Olympic history and prestige.
3. The gnarly quotient (TGQ): The likelihood that a chill bruv would describe the sport as "gnarly".
Nordic combined, which kinda sounds like a weird Danish cult, is a combination of cross-country skiing and… *checks notes* ski jumping?!
As to why these two completely different sports – probably some of the least entertaining ones to watch at that – with almost contradictory skillsets have been lumped together, to the point where it's been a founding Olympic sport since 1924, is anyone's guess.
But the strangest thing about the sport (there are many strange things including the event names) is that Nordic combined is the only sport in both the Summer and Winter Olympics in which women don't compete. There's women's cross-country skiing and ski jumping, but when you combine them, oh boy, that's way too hard for tiny little women. Only men with names like Gunder Gundersen (real name of a real guy) can compete in this Nordic gladiator game.
Events
Men's: Individual Gundersen Large Hill/10km, Team Gundersen Large Hill/4x5km, Individual Gundersen Normal Hill/10km
Women's: Not allowed.
If you thought running 42kms in 30 degree Tokyo heat was rough, try doing that with skis, borderline frostbite and going for 50kms instead. Long distance cross-country skiing might be the most grueling Olympic sport to ever exist. But if I wanted to watch humans suffer in the snow, I'd just watch Leo Di Caprio in The Revenant. The sprint events look like a bit more fun though.
Events
Women's: 10km Classic, 7.5km + 7.5km Skiathlon, 30km Mass Start Free, Sprint Free, Team Sprint Classic, 4 x 5km Relay
Men's: 15km Classic, 15km + 15km Skiathlon, 50km Mass Start Free, Men's Sprint Free, Men's Team Sprint Classic, Men's 4 x 10km Relay
Another combined sport, but this time women are allowed! Biathlon, which combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, asks the question: who is the best and most efficient winter hunter on the planet? Turns out it's mostly Germans and Russians.
19-year-old Campbell Wright will become just the second biathlete to represent New Zealand at the Olympics. He's young and admits he's not the best shooter in the field, but he's a strong cross-country skier and will be one to watch for the future.
Events
Women's: 7.5km Sprint, 10km Pursuit, 12.5km Mass Start, 15km Individual, 4 x 6km Relay
Men's: 10km Sprint, 12.5km Pursuit, 15km Mass Start, 20km Individual, 4 x 7.5km Relay
Mixed: 4 x 6km Relay
Luge, the most inferior of the adult sliding sports, involves athletes riding a sled while lying face up and feet first down the track, because I guess they never grew out of sliding down that way, even though it's way more fun to go down head first. Every cool nine-year-old knows this. This is common knowledge in the sliding scene.
Sure, luge is the fastest of the three, but they're just lying there. It looks super awkward, and even more so in the doubles, where they lie on each other like little sardines.
Events
Women's: Singles
Men's: Singles
Mixed: Team Relay
Open: Doubles
Now this looks like a lot of fun. These athletes know that it's not always about going the fastest, it's about the vibes. And skeleton athletes are just vibing down the ice chute, often with really cool helmet designs, because they're just cooler people. Plus, the sport is called SKELETON!
Events
No fancy names, just women's and men's skeleton, and vibes.
Bobsleigh also looks like great fun, and you get to do it with mates. Skeleton might be cooler, but bobsleigh has more cultural cachet. There's just more going on in bobsleigh, and more strength and skill involved that the casual viewer can more easily understand.
Bobsleigh is mostly a team sport, until the introduction of a new version called monobob (great name), which is a women's only individual event that will make its Olympics debut in Beijing – take that Nordic combined. If you love Cool Runnings but are an independent woman, monobob is your sport.
Events
Women's: Monobob, 2-woman
Men's: 2-man
Open: 4-man
Speed skating is middle/long distance running to short track speed skating's sprints. But unlike the summer equivalent, where the strategy is clear and often thrilling, speed skating – despite having "speed" in its name – is surprisingly not very exciting. It's just athletes chilling on the ice, effortlessly and elegantly racing against their opponent and the clock. I'm sure it's hard and exhausting, but it looks almost too easy – to the point where it can get a bit boring, especially in the longer distance events. The mass start event, on the other hand, is awesome.
Kiwi Peter Michael is competing in the 1500m and will be a solid medal chance after narrowly missing out on medals in PyeongChang, where he rocked a gorgeous mullet and finished fourth in both the 5000m and team pursuit alongside Shane Dobbin and Reyon Kay. This time he's gotten rid of the mullet for more of a 80s rockstar mop, and you know what, he's pulling it off again.
Events
Women's: 500m, 1000m, 1500m, 3000m, 5000m, Mass Start, Team Pursuit.
Men's: 500m, 1000m, 1500m, 5000m, 10000m, Mass Start, Team Pursuit.
Watching ski jumping is probably the closest thing to seeing humans fly, next to long jump (an all-time great Olympic sport). Competitors aim to jump the furthest off the ramp on their skis, but also get graded on their aerial style and general gracefulness. It's just an all-round solid Winter Olympic sport.
Events
Women's: Normal Hill Individual
Men's: Large Hill Individual, Normal Hill Individual, Team
Mixed: Team
For the second Olympics in a row, the best ice hockey players in the world who compete in the NHL will not be at the Winter Games. So it's basically the next-best battling out for gold, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but not quite what we've come to expect at the Olympics.
Ice hockey already has a massive platform and is a better overall sport within the NHL, so it probably shouldn't be this high up on the list. But it's still pretty fun to watch and women's hockey gets more of a spotlight.
It remains interesting at the Olympics thanks to its rich history of producing great moments. The best of which was probably the 'Miracle on Ice', which was later turned into a film, where a team of collegiate American players beat the dominant Soviet Union in the Lake Placid 1980 Games, all while Cold War paranoia was at its peak.
Events
Women's and men's.
Figure skating has a bit of everything: music, performance, athleticism, controversy, iconic movies like I, Tonya and Blades of Glory. It's just a great sport – and really good TV.
Events
Women's: Single Skating
Men's: Single Skating
Mixed: Ice Dance, Pair Skating, Team Event
Athletes like Nico Porteous, who is officially the youngest Kiwi Winter Olympic medalist ever, are great at flying in skis and doing crazy things in the air. He pulled off a completely new run at the X Games in Aspen to claim gold, and will probably have a few tricks up his sleeve at "the big O-show".
This will be the main arena where Kiwis will be competing, with nine of the 15 athletes in the NZ team taking part in freestyle skiing.
The nine Kiwis in action: Ben Barclay, Anja Barugh, Finn Bilous, Margaux Hackett, Ben Harrington, Gustav Legnavsky, Chloe McMillan, Nico Porteous and Miguel Porteous.
Events
Women's: Aerials, Big Air, Halfpipe, Moguls, Slopestyle, Ski Cross
Men's: Aerials, Big Air, Halfpipe, Moguls, Slopestyle, Ski Cross
Mixed: Team Aerials
Snowboarding is the definition of gnarly. It's effortlessly cool, and is usually dominated by kids who have barely left high school. And as a sport, it's one of the most entertaining spectacles – from downhill racing to freestyle, where gold medal favourite Zoi Sadowski-Synnott made New Zealand Olympic history in PyeongChang.
Sadowski-Synnott is already having a blistering start to her year, including gold medals in the snowboard slopestyle and big air at the X Games last month. And don't bet against her taking another double in Beijing.
Shouts to Kiwi snowboarder Cool Wakushima, who has by far the, um, coolest name at the 2022 Winter Olympics. Tiarn Collins, pretty good name too, completes the New Zealand snowboarding trio at the Games.
Events
Women's: Parellel Giant Slalom, Big Air, Cross, Halfpipe, Slopestyle
Men's: Parellel Giant Slalom, Big Air, Cross, Halfpipe, Slopestyle
Mixed: Team Cross
Alpine skiing is probably the sport that most Kiwis have actually done and can relate to. If you've done a bit of skiing in your time, there's nothing better than just absolutely bombing down a hill as fast as you can and these Olympic athletes are basically the best in the world at doing just that. Downhill, in particular, might just be the best Winter Olympic event to watch.
Alice Robinson, who became New Zealand's youngest ever Winter Olympian in PyeongChang, only recently turned 20 and will compete in the Giant Slalom and Super G. She goes into Beijing as a medal shot in both events, and has performed well in the Super G this year, her less favoured discipline.
Events
Women's: Albine combined, Downhill, Giant Slalom, Super-G, Slalom
Men's: Albine combined, Downhill, Giant Slalom, Super-G, Slalom
Mixed: Team Parallel
When I think of the Winter Olympics, I think of curling – from its silliness, to its surprising ability to thrill and entertain. It's simple (basically shuffleboard on ice with broomsticks), fun to watch, and looks like a great sport to play – or watch – while enjoying a beer.
Curling belongs to a severely underrated genre of sport: Things that are fun to do while drinking. Others in this category include ten-pin bowling, darts and poker. In curling's case, it looks fun to do with a beverage, but I cannot vouch for it from personal experience as I've never come across a large enough body of ice.
[Editor's note: Please drink responsibly.]
Events
Women's, Men's and Mixed Doubles.
If you, like me, are more of a Summer Olympics person, then short track speed skating is basically the 100m of the Winter Games. Or maybe a more accurate comparison is track cycling, but with ice skates. Short track speed skating is also a bit of an anomaly in the Winter Olympics, as most of the other 'racing' events don't feature racing whatsoever and are really just time trials.
There's just something about a bunch of athletes racing at speed on a course that tends to produce awesome sporting moments, like one of the greatest in Olympics history at Salt Lake City 2002: when Aussie skater Steven Bradbury took out the unlikeliest of gold medals from way back in last place thanks to a big crash right before the finish line.
"I don't think I'll take the medal as the minute and a half of the race I actually won. I'll take it as the last decade of the hard slog I put in," an earnest and ecstatic Bradbury said after his gold medal win, perfectly summing up the rugged beauty of the Winter Olympic Games.
Events
Women's: 500m, 1000m, 1500m, 3000m Relay
Men's: 500m, 1000m, 1500m, 5000m Relay
Mixed: Team Relay
Cycling is the biggest winner while some teams sports have taken a hit.