David Leggat: Survival guide gets you under the Athenian skin

COMMENT

Here's the thing: you've arrived in Greece for the first time, been here a few days and have a hundred questions about the life and workings of the ancient capital and its inhabitants.

You've read the guide books, you know everything you need to about the Acropolis. You've done the sightseeing.

But what about the real Athens, the nitty-gritty elements that make the city tick.

Remember this is Athens like never before, invaded by a huge diversity of shapes, sizes, colours and languages for the Olympic Games.

The last time the Games were here was 108 years ago. There's no one around to argue the point so we'll assume there were fewer tourists here for that Olympiad than this one.

Puzzled over the hours they keep, their habit of shouting and gesticulating and what really gets them wound up about visitors?

Look no further than the Athens Survival Guest Guide, put out, not surprisingly, to coincide with this month's sporting smorgasbord.

It offers a glimpse into the thinking - by turn lighthearted and semi-serious - of the Olympic hosts. Essentially it is a run through tourists' most frequently asked questions.

It's certainly not politically correct and one thing's for sure: it won't be a hit with Athenian taxi drivers.

"How much do I tip?" is among 47 questions posed and answered.

"Give nothing to cab drivers, 5-10 per cent at restaurants," the magazine advises.

"How come all the cabs have air-conditioning?" is the follow-up.

"They don't. It's just that the cabs without air-conditioning are hiding during the Olympics."

"How come you stay up so late?"

"It's in our blood."

"Do you ever get drunk?"

"All the time, but you can't tell."

"What's the worst thing about tourists?"

"They get drunk. They split a Greek salad in four and they drink ouzo for dinner."

We learn that the soldiers who parade outside Parliament buildings in the heart of central Athens, Syntagma Square, are not allowed to take a toilet break.

What if nature calls? "He can wear a diaper."

The magazine is happy to take a potshot at their own personality traits.

"Are Greeks polite people?" it asks.

"Greeks are hospitable and friendly, but not very polite."

It takes a pop at the country's newer immigrants, too.

"How do I tell a Greek from an Albanian?"

"The Albanians have very bad taste in clothes."

And finally there's some sound advice on why not to feed the city's pigeons: "Please don't. They are bulimic."