KEY POINTS:
The Olympics are almost upon us. What joy. The five-ringed circus is a glorious chance to bring people from all corners of the world together, and the United States has led the way by adopting this as the official selection policy for its men's 1500m running squad.
Here is a wish list for the Beijing Olympics.
1: Normal looking people get to win the sprint medals.
Perhaps even someone who looks like a cross between Lyle Lovett and JJ from Good Times (kids, ask your parents) might win the 100m. What sprinting needs is a gawky, frizzy-haired geek with bow legs and in op shop shorts to leave the brick @$%*house androids wearing spray-on lycra in his wake.
Sprinting should be about various shapes and sizes thundering down the track. The main trouble with modern sprinters - apart from the wee drug problem - is they all look the same. Then again, maybe they all look the same because of the wee drug problem.
2: Someone brings out a really good wall chart.
Wall charts are the heart and soul of any big sports event. As a long-time wall chart aficionado here's a bit of advice - set aside time each day to fill it out because once you get behind, it's very tough to keep up.
The trouble with the Olympics, though, is that they are just too big to fit on a wall chart. You'd need one the size of the Great Wall of China.
Still, we live in hope, although the early signs aren't good. This desk has received the SkySport Olympics special magazine (snappy motto: "the games and nothing but the games") and while full of revealing stuff, including a picture of Mahe Drysdale eating white bread sandwiches, there's not a wall chart in sight.
3: Mark Todd to win gold.
What a great moment that would be. Everyone loves a good comeback story, and there's always been something enchantingly humble about our great equestrian. And he deserves a medal for ignoring the control freak Olympic bosses who want to stop athletes speaking out about Tibet.
As for Toddy's chances - wouldn't have a clue. Equestrian is one of those sports you don't give a toss about until the Olympics, and even then you only care about it if your country is involved. Watching a Lithuanian win the dressage is as exciting as watching grass grow.
As for Toddy's Tibet protest, the word is that some Kiwi Olympians might wear something orange in support of the Tibetan people. Peter Blake-style socks aren't much good to an equestrian - go for the big impact Toddy, and wear an orange hat.
4: The Olympics are a haka-free zone.
Please. Please. Please. Nightmares endure from the Melbourne Commonwealth Games in which visions of a bare chested Dave Currie, with tongue waving wildly, appear out of the night. I was sorely tempted to pre-empt this one by mailing the Chinese authorities, describing the haka and informing them that it is a Free Tibet dance.
5: We get the smog stories over with quickly.
These Games could become clouded in the stuff, especially if the press mob is gasping for air. When you are stuck in the thick of these things, it's easy to believe that the rest of the world gives a stuff. They don't. The only time the rest of the world will really care is if the smog makes the TV pictures cloudy.
A lot of our Olympic concern has already been expended on Beijing's small dogs and stray cats and we need to keep some in reserve for the (shock, horror) drug scandals. Having to worry about dogs, cats, smog and drugs is far too much for one Games.
6: We get lots of smog stories ...
Yes I know, an immediate contradiction. But the Olympics could be a watershed moment in history where the world takes cleaning up its act more seriously. On one hand, you don't want marathon runners keeling over. On the other hand, the worldwide televising of runners keeling over might be a very good thing in the long run.
7: The Games survive the absence of Bulgarian weightlifters.
Rather than having their weightlifters sent home early, which is the usual case, Bulgaria has decided not to let them leave home in the first place after the entire team failed drugs tests. These were supposed to be the Games in which Bulgarians proved they were really strong, rather than proving they've got really strong drugs. Damn and double damn.
Their withdrawal has completely ruined the popular Olympic past time known as "Spot the Bulgarian Weightlifter at the Closing Ceremony".
8: Valerie Vili wins gold.
It would be absolutely smashing if Vili won the shot put gold. With all due respect to the "athletes" in boats and on horses and in judogis and doboks, a perfect Olympic world would be all about track and field. It's been a long time between drinks for a Kiwi T and F gold. As for Vili's prospects ... put it this way, China will be very determined in the medal chase. Very determined.
9: An anthem-free day.
The Olympics should have an anthem-free day. Let's face it - the anthems are hardly relevant in some cases since a lot of the athletes are hired hands anyway. I mean to say, Bernard Lagat running for America - can't they find any runners of their own in the land of the free and 300 million citizens?
10: There is a major boxing controversy.
The Olympics aren't the Olympics without a decent boxing dust-up. Boxing is supposed to have cleaned up its act for these Games, but then again the Bulgarian weightlifting team was supposed to have got clean as well. Prediction: China will have its best Olympic games in boxing.
11: The Chinese police don't run amok ...
On one hand, a further exposing of China's disgraceful attitude to free expression would be a good thing which might help bring about change. But that's easy to say when you're not the one on the wrong end of the baton. And the Chinese don't appear all that bothered about world opinion anyway.
There are so many conundrums in dealing with these Beijing Olympics. Dilemma number one - by glorifying the Games would we be supporting a rotten regime. And if these Games are used to put the full glare on China's crimes, have we let other more familiar and influential countries off the hook in the past? For instance, the United States is hardly a choirboy in the history of world affairs or even human rights, but the Games weren't used to beat them over the head politically. And if we are happy to trade with China, how come we're suddenly so holier-than-thou when it comes to playing sport over there?
There is so much intrigue ready to unfold - the sport might be dodgy but these games are set to be historically significant in a number of ways.
