Midweek Fixture: 17 outrageously premature conclusions for 2017

Next year will see peak Cheika-baiting, but will the volatile coach get any closer to this trophy? Photo / Brett Phibbs

2017.

Looking forward to it already.

No, seriously.

Hear the Lions roar and all that.

Anyway, to cut a long year short, here's 17 things that will definitely* happen in 2017.

1. The All Blacks will lose a test. It likely won't be against the Lions, not with two of three being played at impregnable Eden Park. Circle August 19, Sydney, as the date most likely. Circle it also as the week most likely for peak Cheika-baiting.

2. Israel Dagg will play the Lions and subsequently sign a very sexy deal with a French club. He will also pose quite happily with a beret and a oversized wheel of camembert.

3. The Blues will receive twice as much media attention as any other Super Rugby franchise and they will... almost make the playoffs.

4. Several long-standing New Zealand cricket records will fall, including:
• Ross Taylor will pass Martin Crowe's 17 test centuries;
• Taylor will equal Nathan Astle's 16 ODI centuries;
• Sky's commentary team will set record for most tedious in-jokes in a summer, passing the 623 set by the 2014-15 Channel Nine outfit.

"So I said to the boys, 'Boys, we can beat the Channel Nine record if we put our minds to it,' and full credit to Doully, Rigor, Styro and Cummo, they've bought into the plan." Photo / Photosport

5. Somewhere, somehow, someone will cheat appallingly and a number of people will get really cross about it. Problem being that unless we all get cross about all cheating - ie the same people who jump up and down about doping jump just as high about match-fixing and administrative corruption - then the message is diluted and we remain, as we will in 2017, as far away from cheating critical mass as we are now. On a similar theme, Russia will leak more TUE data as the scandal against their state-sponsored doping threatens to overwhelm the IOC. Ethical lines will be blurred, excuses will be made, authorities will obfuscate. Same old, same old then.

IOC president Thomas Bach demonstrates the sort of inner rage that saw him and his sycophants do nothing about the Russian doping crisis. Photo / AP

6. Joseph Parker will beat Deontay Wilder and hold two of four ratified heavyweight belts. He will not fight Anthony Joshua, who beats Wladimir Klitschko next year, in 2017.

7. Eric 'Ragnar Lothbrok' Murray and Hamish 'Silas' Bond will win the supreme Halberg Award and it will be deserved, especially in Olympic year, but you just know somebody's going to get really angry that (insert your own name here) didn't get the recognition they deserve. I can promise you though, this year it will not be me.

Bond & Murray, rowers, Halberg favourites. Photo / Photosport

8. During the awards they will play a really sweet video montage of all the amazing things the Halberg Foundation does for disabled children and in several lounge rooms around the country there will be parents throwing up a little in their mouths.

9. Neither Leicester City or the Chicago Cubs will write repeat fairytales. Okay, the Leicester title defence is already all but mathematically off the table, but the Cubs call is a reflection of how hard it is to win the World Series. The last team to repeat was the 2000 edition of the moneybagged New York Yankees and with teams like the Boston Red Sox, San Francisco Giants and said Yankees starting to stockpile talent, the Cubs will have to wait for a fourth title.

10. Laura Langman will come back to New Zealand to play for the Northern Stars, in a new range of bobby socks.

11. Several schools will completely lose the plot over the Maadi Cup, a group of outraged parents will bring legal action against a school who chooses not to lose the plot over the regatta and the rest of the country will look at the parents at think, "no wonder you've raised such entitled brats".

12. The Phoenix will proudly announce their strongest ever squad.

13. The Phoenix will end 2017 in the bottom half of the table.

14. Shane van Gisbergen will win back-to-back V8 Supercar titles. Not only that but he'll win Bathurst.

Shane van Gisbergen provides petrolhead porn for Holden owners all over Australasia. Photo / file

15. Forget Ben Ainslie, the America's Cup Louis Vuitton playoff will be an epic grudge match between Team New Zealand, sponsored by a Middle Eastern airline, and Team Japan, basically sponsored by Oracle. So many news stories, so much potential for on- and off-the-water gybes/ gibes. Shame it's happening in the twilight zone of Bermuda... whose stupid idea was that?

Bermuda, excellent place for long shorts and overweight Americans, hopeless place for a yacht race. Photo / file

16. After 10 weeks of the NRL season, we will have seen:
• At least three players return to the field after clearly being concussed;
• At least 24 high tackles excused because the arm slipped up off the ball/ shoulder or some other moving part;
• At least two high-profile NRL investigations following reports of player misbehaviour;
• Fourteen complaints about the standard of refereeing;
• Six requests to give Steve Kearney more time.

17. Lydia Ko will win a major. We will momentarily stop stressing out about her dad.

*Terms & conditions apply and the Herald takes no responsibility if one, some or all of the above fail to materialise (or in some cases if the complete opposite happens).

THE WEEK IN MEDIA ...

Just one column highlighted this week, an excoriating piece on the coach who saw a video of one of his star players punching a woman in the face and chose potential wins over doing the right thing.

This column will return in February. Thanks for reading and have a happy and safe holiday.