Middle and Leg: The Smiths, The Beige & The Blind

Australia captain Steve Smith. Photo / Getty Images.

Opinion

Well that was a bit crap wasn't it? Unless you love cricket and feel like summer is upon us because there is sycophantic Mark Nicholas foaming over Australia's field settings and Ian Chappell slagging off the Australian top order before you've even managed to get your lips around your first beer on Day 1. "Khawaja is an inferior player to Smith, no disrespect but he's an inferior player..." Cue footage of Smith trying to mute Chappelli on the dressing room TV.

Click here for BYC Podcast #225: The Dutch Tawhirimatea

Sure, we reaffirmed how good Kane Williamson is, and saw how evil the pock-faced Mitchell Starc can be if we can just clatter him to the fence a bit more - but it was gut-wrenching to be walloped so comprehensively. Away from the onfield hiding, Ian David Stockley is holding has own and has started the commentary season in scintillating form - the segments where he reported one of his sons ("the football one") hadn't made it to the ground for the first session of Day 4 and when he told Steve Smith via the Sports Ears to declare now and give NZ a sniff were simply outstanding.

I watched the All Stars cricket game for past masters from Citi Field in Flushing Meadows. It was fine and wasn't pretending to be anything other than a half-paced walk around the park for subcontinental expat cricket fans in The Land of Hope and Glory. As Neil Maxwell said: "It's a group of retired blokes playing a game of cricket." That said, I won't be back for rounds two and three - but if I thought Sachin Tendulkar was a deity I would be right at home. Why wasn't Danny Morrison there to hyperventilate, humiliate or haka?

Morrison haka

New Zealand Cricket announced that it was returning to beige, well sort of, for some T20 games this season. The announcement came a month after Andrew Alderson tipped it in the Herald on Sunday. We love beige but this was a pretty half-baked effort with a weird off-white bustier in effect, alongside a punishingly prominent financial institution logo, and a flag referendum on the belly. 6/10.

The blind Indian cricket team will make you feel inferior and inspired: unlike the rest of India, they don't light candles for Diwali (the festival of lights), but make them for others with their own hands in a hostel in Bengaluru.

Billy Birmingham, the appallingly coiffed 62-year-old genius behind the epic suite of 12th Man parodies has announced he is soon to hang up his microphone . "On Nov 27, I am releasing my last ever 12th Man recording, a 2CD set of some of my all time favourite 'Richie bits' on a double album a tribute to the great man called "The Very Best of Richie", available for pre order now..."

A Phillip Hughes commemoration will be held on Day 1 of the Adelaide Oval Test match on 27 November, one year after his tragic death playing for South Australia at the SCG in a Sheffield Shield match. David Warner, Peter Nevill, Nathan Lyon and Mitchell Starc were all playing for NSW in the game. It will make a surreal Test match even more surreal.

READ
The Herald's delicious history of The 1985 Gabba Test is a gem. Worth clicking into for the sake of Greg Matthews' sensational tshirt and Ewen Chatfield's thoughts on barramundi.

LISTEN
Muso Marcus Mumford loves his cricket - but found himself wrapped in bubble wrap facing Brett Lee on Saturday afternoon. His temperature check , on-air, with expletive, was gold. [embed?] For more Mumford with less swearing, his session with Jonathan Agnew on Test Match Special is worth half an hour of your week.

READ
Partially blind Italian librarian Daniel Vettori gets Q&A'd by the local rag as the new Brisbane Heat Big Bash coach. He plays with a straight bat, something very out of character for him on the field. Q: You got the nickname Harry Potter. What did you make of that? A: Australia was the only place I got that nickname. All the Victorian boys call me worse, so I suppose I take it as a slight compliment and a term of affection."

PLAY
Matt Nicholls' Channel 9 bingo - examples include "Mark Taylor says something inaudible" and "Ian Smith mentions RWC result".

Ready just in time. Join in the fun with @Channel9 bingo during the cricket pic.twitter.com/CIHffNxC1J

— Matt Nicholls (@matt__nicholls) November 4, 2015

Middle & Leg is a cricket newsletter for New Zealand cricket fans who like a dose of optimism and a tablespoon of take the piss with their weekly cricket informational. It is tapped out by Paul Ford, co-founder of the Beige Brigade, and one-seventh of the Alternative Commentary Collective. You can email him here beigehq@beigebrigade.co.nz.