Long and expensive tour for British fans draws to close

The bleary eyes, the sandpaper throats, and the ever-expanding bill - it's been a long tour for the boys from Saffron Walden.

Still, they're well practised, Nick, Malcolm, and Roman. This is the Essex trio's third Lions tour and if nothing else, it has been by far their wettest. If it's not pouring down outside, they've been drowning their sorrows inside at the performance of their team.

Last night, the team were propping up yet another table at their umpteenth bar, the Cardrona Speights Alehouse in Mt Eden. The lads have been in the country since day one of the tour, following the Lions in a battered rent-a-wreck and dossing down in backpackers.

Senior member, Nick Wood, 51, and one-time line-out leaper, sums up their travels to date.

"Rotorua, enjoyed the stinky ponds at the Polynesian Spa. Queenstown, great time. The skiing wasn't so great, but the scenery was lovely. Invercargill was closed as [former English hooker] Brian Moore quite rightly said. Palmerston North, a lot of strip joints. Wellington was very good, the local council was magnificent."

In fact it's gold stars all round New Zealand, but a "must do better" and severe telling-off to our Rugby Union. They are bitter about how the ticket ballot was run and only scored seats for the last two tests after pulling in some dodgy favours back in England. Even then, they were each set back $750 for each match.

"We've all played the game, we've all collected our injuries, and we always front up, yet the ticketing paid no heed to the real fans. Not good enough,"complained Nick.

Add in extra costs for food and accommodation, conservatively estimated at $8600, and it's little wonder the country is running at a surplus. Ticketing has clearly been a bugbear.

Mid-way through his gripe, Nick is interrupted as the group's baby, Malcolm Flood, 37, leans over.

"Sorry, just seeing if you're on your soapbox again," he chirped before returning to his beer.

Sisters Katharina and Elaine Horgan from Limerick, Ireland, have become regular drinking buddies with the guys since meeting up at the match against Wellington. A quiet word to Tana, watch yourself in Ireland, mate, they're not at all happy with the fate of their hero, Brian O'Driscoll.

Their highlights? "Oh, I don't think they're printable, but Dunedin, that was just awesome. The atmosphere with everyone in the square was great. Just meeting so many people, great."

Even with the rugby a disappointment, there are two other items sure to get the tourists a tad antsy. First, for some reason, they think we take our rugby a little too seriously. Well, they would say that wouldn't they? They're losing.

And second, never ever ever talk to them about the Barmy Army. "Freddy Parker is an embarrassment to his nation," said a suddenly stern Nick. "They have nothing to do with real rugby fans. Now, whose round is it?"