A. Look, Warren Gatland's men have showcased an increasing ability to use linespeed defence as a weapon. They know how to shut down games for long periods and move the point of emphasis from set-piece to set-piece. Even against a miserably weak Chiefs team they refused to spread their wings until the three-quarter mark. I guess what you're asking is can that same style work against the All Blacks? Well it can, but they have to not only kick-chase flawlessly, but also defend the offload for 80 minutes. On the evidence so far, Steve Hansen's men won't need a lot more than 40 per cent possession to score more points than the Lions.
Q. What if the weather is as gruesome as we all know it can be in deepest, darkest winter?
A. This is a tired old cliché barely worthy of a response but as a geezer I know called Phil Callon recently nailed it on a popular soshmed forum (to paraphrase): "It rains every single day in Auckland and the All Blacks haven't lost there since 1994." Quite.
Q. How can rugby ever hope to attract new fans when the lineout drive is such a big part of the attacking arsenal?
A. It can't. Forget all the drivel you'll hear and read from rugby purists that it's a technical wonder of the world and an important facet of the modern game. It's a stain on the sport based on principles of obstruction that are illegal on any other part of the pitch. The shifting sludge of humanity and the angles involved means that referees are forced to guess who was at fault whenever it goes to ground. About 99 per cent of the time they will choose the defending team, so the whole thing goes into a rinse-repeat cycle until someone is given a yellow card and the game becomes hopelessly skewed. All this is happening while the ball isn't visible to the public. The sooner this tumorous facet of play is removed or modified the healthier the game will become.
Q. The Lions are really good at it though, aren't they?
A. Oh, they're excellent. Even if you hate the act, admire the execution. About the only illuminating moment in match five against the Maori was assistant coach Steve Borthwick barking through his headset for halfback Conor Murray to get his flamin' hands off the ball at the back of a drive because he wanted to keep the ball in there longer. Here's the thing though, the All Blacks have in recent years become excellent defenders of the drive to the point where it would be surprising to see the Lions get much more than loose change from it.
Q. Has this highly anticipated tour brought World Cup-like excitement back to these shores?
A. It pains me to say it, but no. Sometimes it feels less like a classic tour and more like seven-city advertising expo. It's hard to put a finger on it but so far it has seemed contrived, from the marketers pushing Tutira Mai Nga Iwi at every break of play, to the quasi-controversy about Gatland's well-signposted call-ups, to the fact it's one month, 10 games, wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am and out of here.
Q. Look, this isn't a question as such but you're going to have to do better than that. Of course a tour like this is going to have a heavy commercial element... what's really bugging you?
A. Okay, I think it's this. While I understand the sound reasons behind the Lions playing franchises rather than provincial unions, and while the rugby has been of a better standard because of it, taken as a whole it has been a failure. It takes the community links out of the tour. The reason we loved it when the Lions played Taranaki was not because we necessarily thought the mighty amber-and-black would win (though hope springs eternal) it was because we were, at the most, one degree of separation from someone in that team. We vicariously shared that sense of excitement that they were about to play the biggest game of their lives. The Lions played the Chiefs in front of a full house on a beautiful evening and I felt nothing. Not even the merest shred of anticipation.
Q. That must have had something to do with the team they picked?
A. Well that's another thing. Don't ask us to buy into this tour if you're going to have sides like the Chiefs putting out their B-minus teams. That was seriously lame, damaged the Chiefs' brand and if I was a part-owner I'd be thumping my fist on the boardroom table come the end-of-year review.
Q. So you wouldn't have bought tickets for your family then, if you'd known back then what the team was going to look like?
A. Not a chance.
Q. You're sounding awfully like a Grumpy Old Man. It's not that bad is it?
A. No, of course not and, yes, you've caught me at a bad time, coming off two lengthy road trips when local opposition appeared to have spent more time practicing their haka than the set-piece. There has been plenty of good. Ihaia West's try was a joy, as was the symphony of movement that led to the second of Jack Nowell's against the Chiefs. The game against the Highlanders was rollicking good fun and the Lions game-by-game improvements point to a highly competitive clash-of-culture test series. It's fantastic to have so many visitors to these shores (note to fans: please don't act like dickheads to them should the All Blacks win), and reading the reports of Robert Kitson in the Guardian remains one of life's small pleasures. And, let's face it, if it was Wales, Ireland, Scotland or England touring here in June, we'd be gagging for a Lions tour. My frustration lies mainly with the restrictions imposed upon the tour by the global calendar and the fact it feels overly commercial.
Q. Should we want more regular tours then?
A. No. Unless the calendar changes, once every 12 years is about right.
Q. When does the racing in Bermuda start again?
A. I'm glad you asked. Sunday morning, bright and early. Set your alarms the way we used to when, you know, the All Blacks made proper tours to Great Britain and Ireland.
