NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Sport

<i>Paul Lewis</i>: Naive city in danger of Mallard mugging

Paul Lewis
By Paul Lewis,
Contributing Sports Writer·
25 Nov, 2006 07:05 AM5 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

Paul Lewis
Opinion by Paul Lewis
Paul Lewis writes about rugby, cricket, league, football, yachting, golf, the Olympics and Commonwealth Games.
Learn more
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

KEY POINTS:

As some of you may know from regular reading of this column (giant assumption, I know), I have spent a slice of my life in Singapore.

Once, even before living there, I went to the island on a media junket with several other New Zealand journalists. The itinerary
was the sort of thing tourism authorities the world over prepare for journalists - see this, experience that, get a sense of the colour and exotica etc etc etc. In the free time we had, we headed out on the town. We ended up in Bugis Street - the famous food-drink-pasar malam (night market)-music-good time centre of Singapore in those days.

Bugis St got a little bit too risque for the Singaporeans; it was eventually bulldozed in favour of an MRT station - the magnificent Singapore rail system.

It was open all night, the focus of many visitors from all round the world and it had a powerful heartbeat. I witnessed the infamous "funky chicken" in Bugis St - which occurred generally when a British naval ship was visiting. The matelots would stand atop a toilet block, disrobe completely, roll up a newspaper, and insert it in the cleft of their buttocks. The newspaper would then be set on fire.

They would then prance around the roof of the toilet block, like chickens, using their arms as wings and clucking while assembled spectators sang Zulu Warrior. The winner was the person who clucked for the longest until the pain of the approaching fire became too great.

Ludicrous? Yes. Juvenile? Absolutely. Tasteless? Completely. But very funny - and all the more so because the Singapore establishment didn't really like it but took little action because of the popularity of Bugis St.

The night I was there with the media party, one of our number - a nice lad from the South Island - was casting fond glances in the direction of a bevy of Asian maidens not far away. "You do know they're not women, don't you?" I said, concerned that he may not realise that these were the famous "ladyboys" of Bugis St. These creatures were indeed beautiful but had a, er, sting in the tail.

He said he understood but I don't think he did. He kept looking, in that way men do, and after more drinks, I noticed he was missing.

He returned about half an hour later. His hair was messed up, his glasses akimbo and he was bleeding from the nose. When I asked him what happened, he said: "She mugged me and took my wallet."

Now, if Trevor Mallard will forgive me, I am telling this story because I see Auckland as the naive reporter in that story. Mallard could be cast as the ladyboy as I think that he has pretty much tried to mug us with the waterfront stadium.

While it now looks as though the waterfront option may be sinking fast, Mallard may not yet be done and could still be looking to steal our wallets, metaphorically speaking. This vast expenditure - and fuss - to build a rugby stadium defies logic and credibility. Until Mallard came along, blinking seductively and offering us the dream of a bright, shiny new stadium, there wasn't an issue. Eden Park was the venue of the 2011 Rugby World Cup final. Then came Trev, wearing a little black number, twirling a handbag, pursing his lips and making cow eyes. The gullible and the optimistic argue that Auckland should get off its conservative, indecisive chuff and build it - for far more money than Eden Park would cost. We would use it for a vast array of "multi-purposes", only no-one knows what they are.

Like the reporter in Bugis St, they are chasing a promise that may take very different form in the light of day. We have been asked to decide on a stadium which hints at plenty - but given no hard and fast facts. We have looked hungrily in the direction of the ladyboys without understanding that they may offer something rather more damaging than promise.

I hope Auckland doesn't end up in tears, with a bloodied nose, dented pride and the feeling it didn't get what it thought it was going to get - losing a lot of money in the process. If Mallard and his Beehive cronies muscle the waterfront stadium through, then I hope it is a success. But I am not sure I would ever be able to shake the feeling that the stadium is a bribe, a vote-catcher, a waste of money which could be spent on the same sort of basic need as Singapore and which finally accounted for Bugis St - rail.

And I can't shake the image in my head - of a triumphant Mallard doing the funky chicken, with his newspaper alight, at the stadium's opening ceremony. I hope he gets a decent sting in the tail.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Save

    Share this article

Latest from Sport

Premium
Opinion

The rise of Rosmini's 'Horse': Young star gallops to scoring benchmark

07 Jul 06:49 AM
Premium
All Blacks

Is World Rugby targeting the All Blacks with excessive scrutiny?

07 Jul 05:01 AM
Auckland FC

'Best chance': Rogerson commits to Black Knights amid World Cup dreams

07 Jul 04:24 AM

From early mornings to easy living

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Sport

Premium
The rise of Rosmini's 'Horse': Young star gallops to scoring benchmark

The rise of Rosmini's 'Horse': Young star gallops to scoring benchmark

07 Jul 06:49 AM

Braden Morley scored 30 points in Rosmini’s 40-7 win over Massey High.

Premium
Is World Rugby targeting the All Blacks with excessive scrutiny?

Is World Rugby targeting the All Blacks with excessive scrutiny?

07 Jul 05:01 AM
'Best chance': Rogerson commits to Black Knights amid World Cup dreams

'Best chance': Rogerson commits to Black Knights amid World Cup dreams

07 Jul 04:24 AM
All Blacks v France: Read the best Premium analysis

All Blacks v France: Read the best Premium analysis

07 Jul 03:48 AM
Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky
sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP