KEY POINTS:
I'd like to thank the sponsors for making every second sentence uttered by a sports person, coach or administrator totally unnatural.
It appears sponsors, realising they have possibly thrown their money down the drain, are now demanding everyone to spout their company name at every opportunity.
One such opportunity was the naming of the All Blacks, where the selectors put in more plugs than the electrician in Al Gore's house. It actually wore me down to the point where I honestly needed to know who Iveco was. In fact, I should have asked the question at the press conference.
But OK, Graham, you win! I didn't want to let it come to this but I'm going to write about your precious sponsor for the upcoming test series against France and Canada.
Iveco is a European truck, bus, and diesel engine manufacturer, based in Turin, Italy. It is a subsidiary of the Fiat Group and produces around 200,000 commercial vehicles and 460,000 diesel engines annually. Happy now?
At one point on Friday, All Blacks assistant coach Steve Hansen made the mistake of saying "the Super 14". He quickly corrected himself: "the Rebel Sport Super 14".
Things were getting out of control. One response from one of them went something like this: "Brendon Leonard's form in the Rebel Sport Super 14 warranted selection for the Iveco series and we believe he offers something different, like new Steinlager Pure, and we think he'll fit into the team, not to mention the quality adidas apparel, brilliantly."
Yet ignoring quotes like that and this column, how much do sponsors get out of sponsorship? Prestige and exposure is one thing, but do rugby fans insist on a Philips TV when they're shopping at Noel Leeming? No, they want Noel to throw in a freakin' toaster! That's what they want! Perhaps the customer's belief that high-paid All Blacks are getting Philips TVs for free diminishes the appeal of actually paying for one.
And what about Jade computer software? Are they getting the most out of that stadium in Christchurch? Are Cantabrians rejecting Microsoft in favour of Jade products?
Too many sponsors refuse to say what they do. Adecco sponsors Davis Cup tennis. That's nice. And you are? Oh, the world's biggest recruitment company? Spit it out then.
Some sponsors make sense - Tux Wonder Dogs. Mighty River Power sponsors Rowing New Zealand.
But perhaps the strangest sponsorship of recent years came in 2005 when the Mad Butcher called for a company to put its name on the front of the Kiwis jersey. Who would put their hand up for rugby league? A beer label? Earth movers? Perhaps some kind of meat-related industry?
No. It was Chrisco - the Christmas hamper company. Suddenly the Kiwis jersey didn't seem so fearsome any more. Images of the Chrisco lady couldn't be avoided when the team took the field and performed the haka. In fact, I was worried this sponsorship might hamper (sorry) their performance. Au contraire. The Chrisco boys delivered arguably the Kiwis' greatest ever victory - a 24-0 spanking of the Kangaroos - a month before Christmas.
Sponsors will always push the boundaries. On cricket they're on boundary ropes!
Just as long as sponsorship doesn't divert the focus of a team. Indeed it was heartening to hear that the All Black selectors were keen to talk about matters on the field. "We'll try to be first to the breakdown and that's why AA Rewards makes so much sense," said one of them. "Winning the Philips Tri Nations? It's worth a lot. But winning the World Cup? Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard."
Oh, for Chrisco's sake! Back up the Iveco.
Lavea right out
Tasesa Lavea has said "Lavea me out", or words to that effect, to Manu Samoa coach Michael Jones because his heart isn't in it - literally.
Lavea suffered bruising around his heart while playing for the Chiefs against the Waratahs and couldn't commit to Samoa's World Cup campaign.
For Samoa's Pacific Nations opener against Fiji yesterday, Jones fielded a new-look side, which included Loki Crichton at first five and debutant Gavin Williams at fullback.
"The Chiropractor" Brian Lima, aged 35, was still at second five, while Mahonri Schwalger, brother of new All Black John, was hooker.
But more exciting was the inclusion of Jack Prasad at first five for Fiji. I know I've been waiting and hoping a long time for a Fijian Indian, or any Indian, to make an impact in international rugby. Prasad's selection for Fiji, dare I say it, is a real coup.
The unlucky ones
Joining a media scrum at the naming of the All Blacks squad on Friday, I asked coach Graham Henry which players were the unluckiest to miss out.
He mentioned Rico Gear, Stephen Donald, Jerome Kaino, Mose Tuiali'i, Tom Willis and Derren Witcombe.
"You could go on all day," said Henry.
"I will," I said. "What about Liam Messam?"
"We see him as a player for the future," said the coach.
Messam is 23 and arguably the most skilful and imaginative forward in the Super 14, one of the fastest and has played his best rugby against big South African brutes.
So the selectors are waiting another couple of years for Messam to mature into what? A slower, more cautious player whose exuberance has been dulled by the grind of southern hemisphere rugby?
Michael Jones had just turned 22 when he won the World Cup with New Zealand in 1987. Waka Nathan's brilliant test career started at 21 and was over at 27. Some talent has to be used while hot.
Anyway, now that the All Blacks, Junior All Blacks, NZ Maori (which includes Messam) and Sevens teams have been selected, it's time to name New Zealand's unluckiest rugby player overall.
It might have been Highlanders flanker Josh Blackie but he is leaving for Japan at the end of the month.
Instead, the prize goes to Blackie's Highlanders team-mate Viliame Waqaseduadua, who missed out on every NZ rep team. Still the best natural talent in New Zealand in a one-on-one situation, the lean and light Fijian-born winger has been excellent all season. What does he have to duadua?
Exit stage left
This is my final column for the Herald on Sunday.
I'll be devoting even more of my time to cheeky TV sports news show The Crowd Goes Wild (7pm weeknights on Prime) although they might dispute that.
The Crowd Goes Wild has ambitions to crush John Campbell, which is why I was hired some months ago, and overtake Mark Sainsbury, which is why we'll be buying a faster company car.
Feel free to watch and thanks for reading.
