KEY POINTS:
Zach Johnson thanked more people than an Oscar winner after snaring the 71st Masters golf title at Augusta.
He didn't manage to sneak his third grade Sunday school teacher into the list, but just about everyone else got a mention, including the big guy in the sky.
Oh yeah. He did forget to thank someone else. Tiger Woods.
Because the way Tiger told it, Johnson didn't score one of golf's greatest upsets on Monday morning.
No sir. The nobody from Iowa simply picked up the pieces Tiger had thrown away.
"Four over par on two holes ... I threw this tournament away. I basically blew this tournament," lamented the world's greatest superstar.
Hey Tiger. Lighten up fella.
If there was one lesson that came out of the latest edition of the world's most fabulous, wonderful, marvellous, history-soaked and manicured golf tournament, it is that coming second is so dreadful you would rather be locked in a cupboard with Colin Montgomerie for four days than see another man take YOUR title and tamper with golfing fate.
It's dangerous relying totally on the quotes that trickle down from the media conferences, but it's hard to find any which suggest Tiger gave Zach even a tiny pat on his green-coated back.
There is something so fascinating about Tiger's assault on Jack Nicklaus' record of 18 major victories you feel compelled to keep cheering him on to victory. It's not often you get to see dead-set, never-to-be-repeated sporting genius at work.
It's not an entirely logical situation though, because there's this other voice in the head pleading for the underdogs - in other words every other player - to get up and at least make a fight of it.
Johnson did just that at Augusta, with a victory that, in the long run, will give more credence to the feat should Woods eventually succeed in his crusade. If he keeps crushing everyone, this might become more a story about the broken-hearted. Golf needs contests, not conquests.
Woods may be headed for his date with history, but that isn't supposed to mean he wins every tournament along the way, that as soon as he gets in front everyone else melts away.
Come Tuesday morning and having reflected on the latest Masters, it was easy to rejoice in Johnson's win and not only because it was a chance to celebrate the unexpected, the triumph of a man who had battled through the grades.
Woods is way too surly out there when things go wrong. The slumped shoulders, the banging of the club back in the bag, the pout, the flagellation ... it's all too Tiger-ishly self-obsessed and greedy, quite frankly.
If he's trying to tell the rest of us how frustrating golf is, Woods needs to know he's preaching to the converted.
There are always golfers who can claim they have blown a tournament. The brilliant Woods, with 12 major titles, has had to endure coming second only three times, for goodness sake. Nicklaus was a runner-up 19 times, one of the most extraordinary statistics in sport.
God knows what Tiger will be like if he chooses to miss the British Open should it clash with his wife giving birth to their first child.
It is amazing that Woods didn't check his diary a little better before giving the kid-making business a go, and it might be better if he takes to the Carnoustie links in July rather than have him pacing around the house.
Nick Faldo, the champion English golfer who won six majors and a man who has already raised Woods' ire through the heretical act of questioning his swing, bravely predicted that the final round at Augusta would not be Tiger's day.
As for the American TV commentators, though, they tried their best to be happy for Zach but instead made a sort of gurgling sound, like men drinking in the sort of sweetness you find when sucking on a lemon.
And so, back to that final green, and the shot that the commentary team was hoping would be heard around the world. Just imagine, getting the chance to scream about that one.
Woods had to hole his second shot to level with Johnson, but instead landed the ball so wide that, in Tiger terms, it was in another universe.
Well, you could have heard a golf ball drop.
The word is that the golfing media are intimidated by Woods, fearing he'll cut them off if he doesn't like what they say.
Don't worry troops - life will get easier. Who knows what lies ahead for Johnson, but you can bet your favourite putter that Woods will live to prevail on plenty of other days.
