Soccer: Goldenballs rides again

The 2010 World Cup draw revealed New Zealand's fate and that of the other 31 countries - but such humdrum draws have now become global TV extravaganzas, watched by millions. Paul Lewis runs a critical eye over it.

You have to hand it to David Beckham. He had a haircut that made him look like a cross between Sonic The Hedgehog and a lesbian activist and he seemed to be wearing one of Sherlock Holmes' suits - but he still managed to steal the show at the 2010 World Cup draw.

More than that, he may have singlehandedly rescued England's bid to stage the 2018 World Cup ahead of Australia, Spain and Portugal.

But it was in Cape Town's televised World Cup draw extravaganza that Beckham starred yesterday.

Lead acts were supposedly South African movie star Charlize Theron and some bloke, Jerome Valcke, with an accent from the nation of handball cheaters - sorry, France - and the obligatory song and dance numbers that always pepper such occasions.

Remarkable, really, as Beckham didn't do anything. He got a kiss from Theron, had a couple of restrained sentences to say about England's highly favourable draw and that was it. Otherwise he just stood there.

He raised what seemed to be a fashion-conscious eyebrow when Matthew Booth, the only white man in Bafana Bafana, the South African football team, strode past him in a black shiny suit.

Booth's suit was so shiny, it looked as though it had been smeared with hippo fat and Beckham's almost unconscious reaction seemed to suggest he wouldn't be seen dead in it.

Interesting, as Beckham himself looked as if he was a bit player in the beginning of a Madonna video before everybody takes their clothes off.

But you can't beat whatever it is that Beckham has - presence, maybe. Theron tried hard and looked a picture but her heavy-handed banter with Valcke, Fifa's general secretary, was so banal that the television commentators quite rightly talked over most of it.

There was the usual attempt in these gala extravaganzas to begin with song and dance numbers showing all the colour and majesty of Africa. Johnny Clegg, "the white Zulu", banged away on his guitar in front of the pyramids and preceded one of the worst examples of lip-synching since Milli Vanilli.

All the countless millions watching the draw wanted was to see who was playing who but this was drawn out so long that suspense became suspicion that we were actually watching the wrong channel and Nelson Mandela - looking ever more like Morgan Freeman these days - had whipped next door to a small bar and done the honours using a few bits of paper and a goldfish bowl in front of an old man and his dog.

But, no, it just took forever to get to the point. When it did, the complicated system required Valcke and Theron to explain it.

You may wonder what Valcke was doing there. Fifa boss Sepp Blatter was relegated off the stage to the front rows after an early part in which he simpered about Africa hosting the Cup.

He told the attractive black hostess, Carol Manana, that he saw why it was easy to fall in love with Africa "when I see you". Groo. Creepy stuff - right out of the 'ancient old white bloke with power makes dazzling young black girl uncomfortable with dodgy remarks' book.

Blatter is the mainstay of the Fifa refusal to allow technology in football - technology which would have corrected the goal Thierry Henry scored illegally and with clear intent to defraud Ireland of their chance to make the 2010 finals.

We can only be thankful that the technology wasn't available to replay Blatter's dubious drooling over Manana - as it would have sent millions scrabbling for the off switch to the TV.

Which brings us back to another Frenchman - Valcke. If it wasn't ironic enough that the cheating French drew South Africa (the easiest seed and the one that all the major nations had been hoping would end up in their group; see - cheats do prosper), it was certainly ironic that Valcke helped Theron host the draw.

He was the bloke who, in 2007, lost his Fifa job after a New York judge had stated that Valcke, then marketing director, had lied to MasterCard and Visa who were bidding for the right to sponsor the 2010 and 2014 World Cups.

He and three others went but, on appeal, the original judgement was overturned. A month later, Fifa and MasterCard did a deal which cost Fifa US$90 million and, within a week, Valcke was back - this time as general secretary.

Now he's getting all coochy-coochy with Charlize Theron on global TV.

There was no mention of that in the draw, of course, nor of Henry's handball. Ah, these French. Whatever else they are, they are survivors.

So is Beckham. Apart from his turn at the draw, he also starred at the Cape Town bid convention to help decide the 2018 World Cup venue.

Australia and the joint bid from Spain and Portugal led the way with slick, professional video presentations (Australia's featuring Nicole Kidman) showing off their countries spectacularly.

In response, England's effort was entirely animated and had no footage of the country itself or any of its footballers, let alone English cities and stadiums.

One unkind comparison likened it to a budget version of South Park and certainly the static, plump figures waddling up an animated Wembley Way was reminiscent of Cartman and friends.

As the Independent reported: "With humiliation looming, Beckham, who has been the star turn in Cape Town, arrived just in time. In order to keep the competition fair, the marquee had standard-size stalls which were the same for every bidding nation, making it look like a slightly upmarket careers' fair.

"Beckham made his way straight to the English stall and the rest of the room followed. The Australian bid team had to tell a group of Australian kids, brought along for the occasion, not to get their picture taken with Beckham."

And there it was - South Africa's cup but Cape Town was Beckham's.