Soccer: Diary of a World Cup fan

By EWAN McDONALD

Friday May 31: It's going to be a long month and - with all those tricky little African nations like Cameroon and Nigeria lying in wait for the world football powers in the first round - a tournament of two halves. Pace yourself, McDonald: if a game in the first round is a foregone conclusion, tape it and fast-forward to the goals in the morning. Even without Zidane, the French will clean out Senegal faster than you can say, "Un pastis, monsieur, s'il vous plait."

Saturday June 1: Well, every World Cup throws up one freak result. Normal transmission will be resumed tonight with Argentina v Nigeria. Wonder why TV One chose Andrew Clay to introduce their afternoon highlights? Seem to recall him as warmup act for Mike King in a standup comedy show. Why would you pick a funnyman (who wasn't, particularly) to host something as serious as this? Odd diction, too.

Sunday June 2: Well, every World Cup throws up a couple of freak results.

Monday June 3: Invite wife to share couch for rare treat - to watch Brazil. "If they're so good," she asks, "why don't they belt the ball at the goal from 20 metres out instead of trying to run around everyone and tap it in?" "Because they're Brazil and this is why they call it 'the beautiful game'," I say, which should explain everything. "But they're 1-0 down and the game's almost over," she points out. "I didn't say it was called 'the logical game'," I protest. "Why did that Brazilian fall over clutching his head when the red guy tapped it against his leg?" she asks. "Cup of tea?" I suggest.

Tuesday June 4: Realise what's familiar about Andrew Clay's diction. He's the right size and haircut to play up front, so he's suffering from Wee Georgie syndrome. When players took to our club practice pitch for the first time, on the other side of halfway was a smiling 1.5m, 60-plus chap. You'd go easy on him because you didn't want to hurt a grandfather. In the first tackle Wee Georgie would upend you and deposit your carcass 5m over the touchline. He'd learned his trade in the murky depths of Scottish semi-professional football. Your teeth were permanently loosened. That's what Andrew Clay sounds like.

Wednesday June 5: US v Portugal. Every World Cup throws up two or three freak results, but ...

Friday June 7: England v Argentina. This is the one we've all been waiting for. There's a good feeling in the air tonight ... thanks, Sean. It's the one that the local panellists had to be up for. So how did they do? We rate their performance throughout the tournament at right.

Saturday June 8: After three live rugby matches decide to tape Italy v Croatia and watch just before the Warriors. Enter wrong time. Turn on TV One news to hear that Italy were robbed by two refereeing decisions. Can't make up own mind because they don't show them.

Monday June 10: Two P's in a spot, Portugal v Poland is the match of the night. To see how the other half go live, watch TV One, hosted by the relentlessly beaming Geoff Bryan without the aid of an expert panel. It's obvious why: between the promotions, giveaways, scene-setting, advertisement breaks and a fascinating chat with a stadium designer, there is time for 22 minutes of the first game, 21 minutes of the second and 45 seconds of the first goal from the important match. Try to fit in a panel discussion and something would have to go in order to keep the programme down to 90 minutes. Cut more football, probably.

Tuesday June 11: Two die in Moscow riots after Japan beats Russia. Matches will be shown on a giant screen in the infamous Kabul stadium. The Cup does its four-yearly bit to enhance world peace and understanding.

Wednesday June 12: Humiliated, France leave; exultant, Senegal and Ireland stay. Well, it could have been worse. Someone could have got that loudmouthed Pommy git from Sky's footie show to talk us through the Froggy pooftahs and the Apricot Danish and do his bit to enhance world peace and understanding.

* From this Saturday, and throughout the second round, TV One will screen a live match at 11.30pm after its nightly highlights. These matches are Denmark v second in Group F (on Saturday), Ireland v first in Group B (Sunday), first in Group C (likely to be Brazil) v second in Group H (Monday), and first in Group D v second in Group G (Tuesday). For other coverage details see today's issue of e.g.

* The World Cup, Sky, TV One

nzherald.co.nz/fifaworldcup

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