Stuart Dye: 'That's a handball. That'll be a red card. What a twat'

Stuart Dye lists his eight off-field highlights from the opening week of the World Cup.

1. English Premier League commentator Clive Tildesley sitting in the media centre and giving the kind of commentary you wouldn't hear on the airwaves.

"That's a handball. That'll be a red card. What a twat."

2. The Ghanaian pitch invader who ran on to the field after his team scored. It was the slowest pitch invasion in history as he meandered from one side to the other chased by just one steward who caught up to him just as he reached the Ghana players...then fell over leaving the invader to celebrate with his heroes.

3. Wesley Sneijder asked at the Netherlands v Denmark post-match press conference whether he deserved to be named man of the match: "Yes, of course."

4. This came immediately after his coach had revealed that he had told his players they should not be arrogant.

Arrogant? The Dutch? Never.

At the same press conference, the Danish coach was asked what changes he could make to counter his teams deficiencies.

"We have to use players with a Danish passport, you know."

5. The Wall Street Journal's pre-match analysis of the All Whites:

"Does anyone in South Africa really want to go see 22 white, unknown players from a couple of small, lightweight soccer nations on a Tuesday afternoon in Rustenberg - a small town best known for its platinum mine and Sun City casinos? The New Zealand - Slovakia game...is looking like this World Cup's biggest dud."

Slovenia has 4.5 million new fans for its upcoming game against the US.

6. ITV commentator and former footballer Robbie Earle sacked for supplying tickets for the Netherlands v Denmark game which ended up in the hands of 36 blonde, orange-mini-skirted models who, it turned out, were part of a Dutch beer company's ambush marketing strategy.

Fifa has come down hard on poor Robbie. However, those sitting near the models salute you, Mr Earle.

7. Winston Reid being polite enough to apologise to a Herald photographer for running in the opposite direction from the camera immediately after scoring his goal.

8. The ticker across South African television news reading: "Breaking News: Cameroon have never scored in the first 10 minutes."

Even the World Cup has slow news days.