Mark Gilbert: Why soccer will never take off in the US

Now that soccer's World Cup is over, it's time to puncture the myth that anyone cares whether the United States gets enthusiastic about the world's most-watched sport, known to the rest of the universe as football.

Here are seven reasons why the beautiful game is doing just fine without the US.

45 MINUTES WITH NO AD BREAKS?

I had the misfortune to watch some World Cup games on the ESPN sports network owned by Walt Disney. In its enthusiasm to cram in as many advertisements as possible, the channel managed to miss the start of the second-half of one match.

US sports fans are accustomed to touchdowns and slam-dunks alternating with pitches every few minutes for Ford's latest "buy now, pay nothing until Doomsday" offer, or Geico Corp's talking cockney gecko riffing on the link between cheaper car insurance and free pie and chips. Depriving US viewers of these marketing gems would be the thin end of the wedge that leads to communism.

CAREFUL, YOU MIGHT BREAK A FINGERNAIL

American Football players strap what looks like imperial storm trooper armour to their torsos. Then they squeeze two thigh pads, two hip pads and something called a tail protector into their lycra girdles. A pair of elbow pads, a pair of knee pads, a crash helmet with face and chin guards, and they're all set to take the field, fully insured against the dangers of a contact sport.

Soccer players, meantime, make do with shin pads tucked into their socks. So, yes, they will writhe around on the ground after a collision. And sometimes, yes, they are faking it. Often, though, it's the inevitable result of boot meeting body part without the benefit of six inches of padding.

And for anyone who argues that American footballers need shock absorbers because soccer - or rugby - tackles are milquetoast by comparison, check out the crunching blitzes by All Black Jerry Collins.

NO, HE HASN'T HAD HIS POCKET PICKED, HE'S BEEN TACKLED

US commentators are used to filling in the huge gaps between anything happening in US sport. Consequently, they are wizards at waxing lyrical about the philosophy of sport and reeling off strings of redundant statistics, though they're incapable of actually describing what's happening on the pitch.

During the England versus Ecuador game, for example, the ESPN crew treated viewers to a long, long debate about whether Wayne Rooney's decision to wear a long-sleeved shirt was crimping his skills. A dollar for every time a US sportscaster refers to "picking pockets" instead of making tackles would easily fund your supply of "light" beer for a season.

Dave O'Brien, selected to lead the ESPN live broadcasts, had never called a soccer game before this year, the Wall Street Journal reported on July 5. No wonder even US fans, according to the newspaper, called the coverage unsophisticated and riddled with mistakes.

DUDE, WHERE'S MY INSTANT GRATIFICATION?

The finest soccer matches are typically won and lost by the slim margin of a single goal. Even a 0-0 draw can produce a thrilling spectacle. If you want a sport where the score builds inexorably, minute by minute, try snooker. Or darts.

And while a penalty shoot-out (note to US commentators: They're called penalty kicks, or penalties. Not "PKs," which sounds like some kind of military punishment regime) may not be the ideal way to resolve a stalemate, it beats the alternatives.

So let's hear no more US bleating about sudden-death "golden goals" as the way to resolve tiebreakers.

TRAVEL BROADENS THE MIND

In the unlikely event that the US ever did come up with a national team worth supporting, fans would have to venture outside the borders of the 50 states to cheer on their heroes.

That might not be so easy; in testimony to the US Senate last year, the American Society of Travel Agents estimated that "75 to 80 per cent of Americans" do not possess a passport.

SHOULD I GET EXCITED YET?

The US library of congress lists more than 400 items of baseball music memorabilia, with songs about the US version of rounders ranging from The Baseball Polka in 1858 to We Are The Winners from 1990. I'm already at the ball game, so what on earth is the point of playing Take Me Out To The Ball Game ad nauseum? In basketball, "repetitive organ music is played at key points of the game", says the Wikipedia website. "The announcers often play a 'charge' bugle call to accompany the home team entering the visitor's side of the court."

Soccer has no need of such auditory clues to remind the hard of thinking that it's time to get excited. At a soccer game, you are concentrating on the action for the full 90 minutes, not ladling red and yellow paint onto a hot dog, trying not to spill your bucket of Diet Coke, or entering reams of play-by-play statistics into a notebook.

SOCCER MOMS

The England team are accompanied by a cadre of photogenic footballers' wives and girlfriends, known as wags, and led by Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. In games featuring Brazil or Sweden, the cameramen are spoiled for choice as they scan the crowd for gorgeous supporters sporting the team colours.

In the US, the adolescent male mind associates soccer with soccer moms, defined by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary as "a typically suburban mother who accompanies her children to their soccer games". No wonder American males drop soccer at the first opportunity; besides, their sisters are so much better than they are at the game.

Entertainment in the half-time break of a soccer match typically consists of the substitute players kicking a ball around. The scope for, say, a Janet Jackson costume failure is severely limited.

- BLOOMBERG