We’re all sick of hearing it. Three simple words forming an otherwise innocent phrase, one that has succeeded the vuvuzela as the droning background noise accompanying a World Cup. It’s. Coming. Home.
That refrain from English fans has in recent yearsgone from cute to amusing to annoyingly overdone.
The original song was released ahead of England hosting Euro ‘96, and it’s still a banger. But the phrase — once delivered dripping with irony given England’s propensity to crash out of major tournaments in new and hilarious ways — has been driven into the ground since the Three Lions became genuine contenders in 2018.
Opposition players don’t like it — Croatia said the chant served as motivation when they knocked out England in the 2018 semifinals. And opposition fans are sick of it — claiming your country is football’s one true homeland, while not the original intention of the song, is a tad British Empire-y.
For some, having to hear English fans bang on about football coming home will be a small price to pay for their continued suffering. I get that. But think about it logically: England are young and good. They’re probably gonna win one eventually. Let’s just rip off the bandaid.
2. England are, for once, likeable
Bukayo Saka. Photo / AP
So their fans incessantly sing a silly little chant, big deal. That shouldn’t diminish the fact that the team, against all odds, are now rather easy to root for.
England are a young, vibrant, multicultural group that represents what the country could be, if it weren’t for the Tories.
Players like Marcus Rashford and Bukayo Saka are typical of a new England, one free from the type of spoilt and narcissistic characters who gave footballers a bad name.
Rashford was raised by a single mum, who worked multiple jobs and skipped meals to feed her family. Saka is a second-generation immigrant of Nigerian parents, whose name means “adds to happiness”.
And that’s the emotion that springs forth from this side — not the angst that doomed their predecessors. Long gone are the days of petty club rivalries dividing the squad and dooming the team. This England look like a bunch of mates who love just knocking a ball about together.
They’re not perfect; there’s still one Liverpool player prominently involved. But England, whose varying calamities over the years have provided plenty of reasons to laugh, are now a team who should engender cheer.
3. Feeding kids? What a concept
We first must ding England for so readily capitulating from their intention for captain Harry Kane to wear an extremely tame One Love armband while leading his side in Qatar.
That gesture quickly transformed from England showing solidarity with marginalised communities to England showing how easily they would be silenced: we support the rainbow community, but not if it means a yellow card.
Before that backdown, though, the players and coach Gareth Southgate have strived to be a force for good in what can be a pretty bad country.
The team have long taken a knee before kickoff to protest against inequality; Southgate, like many of his players from a working-class background, has spoken openly and eloquently on topics ranging from racism to human rights; and Rashford emerged as a true hero from England’s dire Covid-19 response, shaming the government into providing free meals for schoolchildren.
They’re good sorts — and the sort who deserve reward for refusing to shut up and dribble.
Marcus Rashford celebrates his goal. Photo / AP
4. They’ll beerly be able to celebrate
OK, that’s enough praising players who, for all their positive qualities, are still representing the nation of England. Let’s go back to ragging on their fans.
If you subscribe to the bandaid theory, ripping it off now has another benefit: this is the best possible time for the English to get their pallid hands on the trophy.
The fans who have travelled to Qatar won’t be able to celebrate the only way they know how: by getting riproaringly drunk and doing a little light hooliganism. For strict religious reasons, Qatar allows only rich people to drink in their country.
And those back home will hardly have it better. For the first time, the English are being treated to the unpleasant experience we know all too well: watching the World Cup during the winter.
It’s cold and dark and certainly not the time of year to venture outside, let alone gather in parks and beer gardens while throwing cheap pints all over one another.
So, if you don’t want England to win the World Cup because you’re concerned about the English experiencing happiness — a legitimate concern — just remember the harsh winter will reimpose their natural state of misery almost immediately.
5. Who else are you gonna root for?
France? They won last time. Boring. Brazil? Many players — most notably Neymar — aligned themselves firmly with Jair Bolsonaro in the recent presidential election, basically throwing their support behind the deforestation of the Amazon and the destruction of our planet. Not cool.
Spain? They recently won three major tournaments in a row. Boring. The Netherlands? They have abandoned their Total Football philosophy in favour of an approach that eschews possession. Arguably worse than the Brazil thing.
Portugal? Enjoy watching Ronaldo in Saudi Arabia. Argentina? Yeah, all right, that does sound fun. Let’s root for a Falklands Final.
