Paul Lewis: Fifa deserve a rocket

There are times when we all do stupid things. I can remember the most imbecilic thing I ever did, even though only seven at the time.

My mum had ordered me to do my teeth before bedtime. I had already brushed my teeth but no one believed me. In a fit of junior anger, I stomped off to the bathroom to repeat the process, slamming the door.

After brushing my teeth angrily, I stormed off to bed - only to find the bathroom door appeared to have jammed.

Alight with the rage of injustice, I pushed against the glass panels on the door. In the grip of the red mist, I was pushing the door the wrong way.

I found myself sitting in the corridor outside the bathroom, surrounded by glass. I was able to view dispassionately, before shock and horror set in, the patterns the blood was making on the carpet as it pump-gushed from my severed wrist in an arterial fashion.

My stepfather saved the day with a tourniquet and off I went to hospital for many stitches; a chastened and stupid boy.

Not as stupid, perhaps, as the unnamed man from Sunderland five or six Guy Fawkes ago who decided he would launch a sky rocket by anchoring it in, er, his posterior and lighting the fuse.

A dubious plan, you might feel (drink seems sure to have been involved) but made worse by the fact the unfortunate man inserted the rocket the wrong way before lighting the fuse.

But golf's and football's major faux pas over the weekend may be just as stupid.

This column has vented before on football's unbelievably dim resistance to using technology but maybe even the loony tunes goal that Chelsea scored against Spurs last weekend fades before the stupidity of the penalty shot foisted upon US golfer Webb Simpson.

On his way to winning the Zurich Classic tournament, Simpson addressed the ball, only to see it move a fraction after a gust of wind. The rules of golf say that if a ball moves after being addressed, the golfer must call the penalty on himself. Simpson did. How dumb a rule is that?

Simpson hadn't touched the ball. The wind moved it. He was blameless. However, with the penalty stroke, he was caught by Bubba Watson, who went on to win after a playoff. Watson shook his head when Simpson was penalised - clearly not in agreement.

Simpson has yet to win a US PGA tournament. He seems a calm, focused golfer but careers have been ruined by less in this most mental of all sports (I mean that in the nicest possible way).

Golf's pooh-bahs need to move quickly and change this archaic rule instead of (as the US Golf Association did) saying that they were reviewing it and that it could be changed by next season.

Just do it. Change it now. Allow a golfer in those circumstances to replace the ball without penalty. Nothing could be more simple or sensible. Apart from Simpson, golfers Ian Poulter, Padraig Harrington and Brian Davis have all been caught out by similar incidents recently.

Leadership is needed.

As it is in football, where Chelsea's controversial goal against Spurs has produced tonight's exciting virtual finale for the Premiership. But it is based on an injustice.

Frank Lampard's goal, figuring in a 2-1 victory, should not have stood, as the ball did not cross the line.

The assistant referee got it wrong. He was 30m or so away. He may as well have been hanging upside down from a tree in Lesotho.

As this writer is a Spurs fan, a couple of disclaimers are needed. Firstly, Spurs keeper Heurelho Gomes is a disaster.

None of this would have happened had he not allowed a harmless shot to squeeze between his legs - not for the first time this season. He is on his way to being an extremely former Premiership keeper.

Secondly, the objection would be the same had Spurs scored in this fashion - thereby preventing Chelsea from getting a title shot against Manchester United tonight. Injustice is injustice whether it wears a blue or white shirt.

All that is needed are goal line cameras. It was perfectly clear after a few seconds of TV replays that it wasn't a goal.

Yet the brains trust at Fifa have been trialling goal line technology and tsk-ing and tutting and not being able to find a system that is 100 per cent accurate; nitpicking to the extent that it is clear they don't want to embrace technology.

One of their desired outcomes is an instant signal sent to a TV-wristwatch worn by the referee, so that he can see the replay. Beam me up, Scottie. Set phasers to stun. The aliens are already among us.

Their other contention is that the game should not be delayed by assessing replays. Delay? They have been dancing around this issue for six years now. They are talking about introducing something in July 2012. What? All that you need is TV cameras, common sense and resolve.

There is no 100 per cent accurate system. There will always be the odd incident unable to be resolved.

But, for 99 per cent of the time, technology would assist in that teeny, tiny, microscopically insignificant matter of getting the right result. There is a Fifa move to having two more referees stationed near the goal line for such incidents - but human error will still apply.

This is a sport where players roll around on the ground for ages as if injured; to make a point to the referee; where they try to get penalties that aren't. The ref is also surrounded by gaggles of squawking players protesting at decisions. Get rid of all that - it'll save any time taken on replays.

To make matters worse, the Fifa virus seems to have infected New Zealand.

A recent radio interview with Fifa-connected former All White Fred De Jong elicited the comment that players signed up to such things (referee error) when they decided to play football - and that if they didn't like it, they could go play another sport.

Football is the world's most popular sport but, with arrogance like that, it doesn't deserve to be. Here ... Fred, Fifa and anyone else who doesn't believe in technology ... have a sky rocket and a box of matches. There's a comfy spot over there ...