KEY POINTS:
Good week ...
Marie Jenkins
Marie Jenkins, manager of One Blue Dog in Invercargill, had a good week, finding herself on the Brooke Howard-Smith path to bagging free promotion for a drinking venue. Jimmy Cowan - "He had his top on back-to-front." - ably playing the role of rugby boofhead in another frontpage pantomime.
Joey Barton
Any week that doesn't finish up in prison is a pretty good one in Joey Barton's books. After admitting that he attacked former teammate Ousmane Dabo at a training session when both played for Manchester City last year, the Newcastle midfielder was given a four-month suspended sentence.
Barton missed Newcastle's final match last year because his bail conditions from a previous conviction forbid a trip to Liverpool. Justice is blind ... rather like Jamie Tandy, after the Manchester City youth-team player in whose eye Barton stubbed out a cigar at a club Christmas party in 2004. Mr Cowan, you are a novice.
Riki Flutey
A top week for former Hurricanes midfielder Riki Flutey who gets to live the dream of every young Kiwi rugby player who grows up longing to play for, er, England. The first five-eighth - sorry, flyhalf - joins hooker Dylan Hartley looking confused when the anthems are mumbled.
Brett Lee
The blonde bomber Brett Lee has received the highest praise an Australian bowler can hope for. "Your bleached highlights and gold necklace are really grouse"? - nope. Sir Vivian Richards said the Aussie quick could match it for intimidation with the best of the former West Indian skipper's feared attack of Malcolm Marshall, Joel Garner, Michael Holding and Curtly Ambrose.
"When he's called upon to do it, he's just as good as any,' said the great man. The peroxided wonder this week became the fastest man to reach 300 one-day international wickets.
Euro 2008 Champions Spain
Top of the world, mama After a party so good it left one man dead, Spanish fans shook off their Euro 2008 victory hangover to learn that they had climbed to the top of the Fifa world rankings. It is the first time since the introduction of the rankings in 1992 that Spain, rated fourth last month, have gone to the top.
Sumo wrestlers
Grand champion Asashoryu says sumo wrestlers are having to, er, tighten their belts in light of the recent rise in global fuel and food prices. "I want pay raises for wrestlers," Asashoryu said. "Fuel prices are going up, the cost of living is going up and yet our salaries have remained the same."
Asashoryu gets paid about US$565,000 ($NZ754,500) a year, but as grand champion his salary is much higher than that of rank-and-file wrestlers. Not really a picket line you'd want to cross.
Bad week ...
Charlie Hodgson
Bless. The England first five-eighths had just about massaged the imprints from Ma'a Nonu's boots off his chest when he learnt that he hadn't made Martin Johnson's first England squad. Or the Saxons feeder team.
So, thanks very much Charlie for toddling off to certain massacre, while the coach watches from afar.
Johnson's soothing words ran thus: "What did we find out? Some of the players stood up and competed well and I think we found out something about everyone who went on that tour, and that is factored in to the squad we have named today."
Geoff Lawson
Pakistan coach Geoff Lawson showed the benefit of all that media training when he first told a senior local reporter to improve his English and then generally offended the local press contingent.
The Aussie later wrote to journalists apologising "unconditionally" for his part in the heated press conference which followed his side's defeat to Sri Lanka in the Asia Cup on Sunday. Journalists stormed out of Lawson's post-match address.
Local journos showed their willingness to let bygones be bygones by wearing black armbands and protesting outside the National Stadium on Monday.
Bulgarian Olympic weighlifting team
It's reassuring to know that some things remain constant. Bulgaria's weightlifting federation has withdrawn its entire team from the Beijing Games after 11 lifters tested positive for steroid use.
Lewis Hamilton
After recently struggling to stay on the track or not crash into anything red, F1 star Lewis Hamilton tried his hand at sailing aboard the ocean racer Boss ... which promptly crashed into another yacht, dismasting her. A bad omen for this weekend's British Grand Prix, perhaps.
But F1's wonder kid should be happy enough, he waded ashore in a pair of new trainers given to him by Reebok. They came with a £10 million cheque for a three-year endorsement deal. Nice recovery.
