Chris Rattue: Get ready to see red all over town

Here's a bedside yarn to ruin the sleep for those hoping the Lions will self-destruct on a bonfire of English, Welsh, Irish and Scottish vanity.

It concerns the famed Scottish coach Ian McGeechan, one of Sir Clive Woodward's assistants on this Lions tour.

At the first training on the 1997 Lions tour of South Africa, head coach McGeechan found his players clustered in national groups. He was prepared.

"Right lads, everyone behind that shed," he said, or words to that effect. You can add the Scottish accent.

There, they were greeted by a keg of beer and a barbecue. A few bevvies and bangers later, they were all best of mates and went on to slay the enemy.

Well, something like that.

If life was actually that simple, British and Irish history might have been a whole lot different. And frankly, from my observations, a few beers only exacerbated a bad situation when it came to the English getting on with the Irish, for instance. Then again, maybe I lived in a rough part of London.

But when it comes to the Lions, there appears to be a rare bonhomie among supporters from the four countries judging by the Barmy Army exploits in Australia four years ago.

These rugby fans also mingle in great spirits during the Six Nations, even if the players traditionally struggle to get on at times.

So it is a formidable force heading our way to back the Lions in June and July. A sea of red will spread around our streets and into the stadiums, and could influence the test match fortunes.

So what can we expect? Here's a by-the-numbers guide to the Barmy Army, the most famous group of travelling sports fans in the world.

42,500

The number of troops on the Barmy Army data base. About 10,000 will be among the estimated 25,000 Lions supporters here by test time. But generally, all the Lions supporters will be known as the Barmy Army.

Zero

The cost of joining the Army.

8 (months)

The youngest registered member - apparently he can already mumble Jonny Wilkinson's name.

82

The age of the oldest member, who might just remember the last time Wales beat New Zealand. 9 The number of Barmy Army bases around the country. New Zealanders will be welcomed. Auckland is the main base because the Barmies assumed that the bigger the city, the more chance you have of finding places that serve chips for breakfast.

55 per cent

The estimated Welsh component among the touring fans. England will be the next heaviest contributors, followed by Ireland, with a couple of Scots thrown in.

1855

The number of caravans leased by Lions fans. About 40 per cent are hired for the entire tour. Incidents of camper van-induced road rage are expected to increase if the Lions are leading the series.

10,000

Visiting fans with legitimately bought test tickets. The rest will open their wallets to tempt All Black supporters to part with theirs. So get out your ticket and gavel, and head to an army base near you.

1500

The reputed top price in pounds ($3880) paid by a Lions fan for a black-market test ticket. This is loose change in Harlequins territory.

Half

The army estimate of what proportion of test match crowds will be Lions supporters. Barmy advance guard Freddie Parker told RoW: "The All Blacks will feel like they are home tests for the Lions. I can't wait to see people's faces when we get here."

75,000

The number of 28-page, full colour Barmy Army magazines to be given away. Known as the Barmy Army Harmonies, the magazine includes the words to their charming match-day songs.

10 per cent

The savings at some stores for holders of the freely issued Barmy Army discount card, complete with magnetic strip. But if anyone flashes it while trying to scalp your ticket, tell them to bog off.

$120 million

An estimate of the tour benefits to New Zealand, although who would really know. One thing is certain - the average Barmy likes a good feed and a few "scoops" of ale. Pubs, fish 'n' chip shops and curry houses - get ready to rumble.

18 metres

The height of the Barmy Army shirt to be plastered on various bases around the country. Army members are also expected to be plastered on various bases around the country.

14 metres

The length of the mobile Barmy Army HQ - a raving commission.

792

The number of divers the Army intends to put underwater in Northland to break the world mass diving record.

Other activities designed to prove you're never too old to be silly include:

* An attempt on the world underwater ironing record (unplugged).
* The Undie 500 - runners in this Rotorua street race will be clad only in undies (self-explanatory, silly).
* A drag - as in cross dressing - race around Rotorua in Zorb Balls.
* A Barmy XV versus a Kiwi XV. The Barmy team will be picked up, rather than picked. A team bus will collect whoever is around at the time.
* A triathlon (of sorts): golf, pool and darts. Pool and darts were mandatory, but golf only just edged out Britain's national sport of drinking pints while eating chicken tikka masala.