Beauden Barrett. We've got a team of researchers trying to figure out what exactly a 'Bogan' is. In the meantime we can tell you that Barrett has stepped up from the optimal in-match reversal second call-up slot. He's playing.
Malakai Fekitoa. What is that? Is that some kind of food?
Daniel Carter. Now this guy is big news. Real big news. Just not here. Since the 2011 World Series, Carter has delivered an 85 per cent conversion success rate on, er, women's magazine sales. In some place called 'Ashburton'.
The Smith brothers - Aaron, Ben and Conrad. A, B, C ... boy, their parents sure must have a sense of humour. But they sure did raise some talented ball players.
Aaron was at the centre of a nude photo scandal earlier this year, which drew some negative headlines back in En-Zee. Don't worry son, in this country that's a prerequisite to run for Governor.
Speaking of Governor. Richie McCaw. He is the fearless leader of this team and a hero in his homeland. Back there they say cats have Richie-like reflexes. His work in the loose-ball scrimmages is unrivalled.
Watch: Rugby Herald: Carter ready for All Blacks?
Keven Mealamu. It says here he is a hooker. Goodness gracious me, that has to be a typo. What we do know is he has an extreme build-up of fluid in his ears and they could erupt at any time ... worth watching for that alone.
Jeremy Thrush. That sounds nasty!
Cory Jane. Fun fact - he has a penchant for sleeping pills and energy drinks - quick! someone arrange for complimentary Red Bull and Zopiclone to be sent to the team hotel. Just putting it out there people, just putting it out there.
Julian Savea. The wide receiver nicknamed 'the bus', we're not quite sure why, but our analysts believe it could be a good sign as New Zealand cities have notoriously unreliable public transportation systems. Can't see this guy being a threat.
Sonny Bill Williams. Boy oh boy what a story! A few weeks ago he was just your average Joe playing for little old Country Manuka in the minor leagues. Now he's in the Kiwi Blacks and, according to our spies based Downunder courtesy of those kind accommodating government folks and the 'five eyes' agreement, a chance to start against the Eagles. This guy's a gunslinger, watch out for his lateral short-balls.
Israel Dagg. Well, what are you? A country or a rugby player?
And the man in charge of the AIG Allstars, Steve Hansen. Said to exercise mind control over the team by the power of his hypnotic voice.
Wow! What a team we have on our hands here. This is a big moment for USA Rugby - can the Eagles soar at Soldier Field? Tune in for game one of the series this weekend to find out.
