Mark: For 364 days of the year I put up with your quite unacceptable and quite frankly defamatory belittling of the great sport of golf, but not this coming Monday because this coming Monday is the final round of the Masters, today is actually the first round but I'm not so naive as to think I can stretch your appreciation to round one, but even you have to admit that on Monday you will take notice of golf. This is because the Master is a sporting event so great, that even common folk like yourself appreciate the significance of winning it.
Andrew: Yes, the elitist in you has ground me down and shown me that while it's incongruous that Sky puts this recreation on a sports channel, when in fact in should be on the 'Living Channel', I will actually watch this barely morally and socially acceptable course host the finest in TV broadcasts. I'm picking Sergio Garcia because I set you up and you hit them out of the park
Mark: Excuse me?! There are women in Augusta now. Fine women, women who can clearly hold an argument, women like former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, women who can clearly WIN an argument, women I would just love to play golf with. Sergio! Haha loser. You must be able to putt to win at Augusta. Actually more you have to be able to putt under pressure to win at Augusta. No Sergio will not factor. I'm going with Jordan Spieth. He blew it last year but he's in good form, experienced the learning experience of the final nine on a Sunday and young people are fearless putters. God I dislike young people.
Andrew: Ah yes, that awkward moment when one of your main sponsors (IBM) appoints a woman as its CEO and therefore has to be included in the male-only sanctuary of the clubhouse. I heard Adam Scott has brought back the long putter. What is that about? How can something like that be allowed in golf? Do you have a two-stroke penalty if you can't go through the windmill? Augusta looks like a Mini Putt course on 'roids but I'm all in on Monday morning when the winner is decided. Now, let's play my new fun game called 'Who's more likely to win...' Today's question is 'The Blues tonight or Sergio Garcia on Monday morning?
Mark: The Blues because they are playing well enough to win and the field has nothing to do with it. The long putter paid divvies for Adam Scott and if it helps you win the Masters then that will do so much good for you that it will out-weight any trough the coming broomstick ban will cause. Ok I'll play your game right back at you. Who's more likely to make the cut - Tiger Woods or me?
Andrew: Can I go with 'who looks better in a flowing, lime green summer dress - you or Lindsey Vonn?' But I think with the notorious tightness of your hamstrings and how we've seen too much of your naked, activated glutes on TV before, I'd go Tiger's better half by a whisker. I also like how you brought up 'the field' because the field will have something to do with it. Eden Park. Just 2 'home' games at the 'North Harbour Sound Shell' doesn't really count like running out on to Eden Park where they lost only once last season does. Next question is 'Who's more likely to stay in New Zealand? Colin Slade or Mike Hesson?
Mark: Mike Hesson is going nowhere. After all the rigmarole when he got to the job he's too clever and nice to thumb his nose and leg it too the IPL. Although I'd admit if it were I, I'd quite like the thought of that. Tiger has already won hasn't he and he proved it by parading his trophy around the par three tournament even if the trophy is a 'self parading' trophy. While the other wives and girlfriend dress in white overalls and join the fun by carrying the bags, Tigers lady puts on a ball gown and walks the fairway like it's the runway. Once again Tiger shows he really knows how to win the public over.
Pros & cons... of signing Roger Tuivasa-Sheck
Mark: I always had my reservations about whether Sam Tomkins would make it in the NRL. I've always felt that to be a Pom and to make it in the NRL you needed a lot of "boofhead" about yourself - think Burgess, think Graham, think Morley, think Betts. Tomkins was just too refined. Don't let the tats confuse you; he was just too fine to be English and in the NRL. Roger Tuivasa-Sheck is a different story altogether. I know the streets of Leeds can be mean but they're not the hellfires of South Auckland. Tuivasa-Sheck was forged on the fields of Otahuhu. He was always destined for the Warriors if the evil foster home masquerading as a finishing school for young Kiwi talent didn't whisk him away. But he's back now and he's not only survived his growing up ordeal, he's flourished. He's at his spiritual home now and watch him go to the next level.
Andrew: Picture this - The Warriors' Penrose HQ and it's Jim Doyle in the boiler room and Dean Bell walks in with Tomkins' contract as Doyle is about to shovel $2.4 million into the furnace they call "The Wiki". "Wait! Jim! What are you doing?" asks Dean. "If no one wants this money then we might as well keep the hellfires of South Auckland going with the accelerant that is "large contracts gone wrong here", answers an already exasperated Doyle, who realises it's harder to get big names to join him and his team in New Zealand. Bell answers hurriedly "Hold on, Jim. I'll call Roger Tuivasa-Sheck and see if he wants it. I was getting to his name as it was after 'Taumalolo' on our list." Bell is saying this, as he's already halfway up the stairs because Vodafone's coverage is notoriously patchy in the boiler room. "Wait there and I'll be back down in a minute." 11 seconds goes by and Bell returns "He said yes." Jim is elated as they clap and high-five. "That's so great," he says. "We finally got a big name!" as the ghosts of Ian Robson and John Money look down, shaking their heads, both thinking they can't believe they paid that much for a fullback again.
