KEY POINTS:
The current stoush between India and Australia is the latest, but far from the only, dark moment in cricket's turbulent history.
BODYLINE
The grand-daddy of them all.
The English tourists to Australia in 1932-33 knew to win back the Ashes they had to stop Don Bradman. They had a hawknosed, Scottish former public schoolboy, Douglas Jardine, as captain, and weak-kneed management. They also had a superb fast bowler in Harold Larwood.
Jardine's Eureka! moment came when he saw movie reels of Bradman appearing to shy away from some rapidly leaping deliveries by Larwood on a tricky pitch at The Oval in 1930. It only lasted a few minutes but the plan was hatched.
England won 4-1, Bradman averaged 56 - modest by his standards, he ended with a test average of 99.94 - Australian batsmen were black and blue.
The series produced cricket's greatest put-down in the third test at Adelaide. Bill Woodfull, Australia's captain, lay getting treatment on the medical table after being struck over the heart. When England's management came to offer their sympathy, Woodfull replied: "There are two teams out there. One is playing cricket, the other is not." Ouch.
Cables flew back and forth between the MCC and Australian cricket board. Australia kicked it off criticising England's tactics, describing them as "unsportsmanlike". Cue spluttering into the pink gins in St John's Wood.
"We deplore your cable ... we deprecate your opinion that there has been unsportsmanlike play," came the reply. It concluded that "if you consider it desirable to cancel the remainder of the programme, we would consent, but with great reluctance".
Jardine and Bradman covered the 1953 Ashes series in England. Someone with a puckish sense of humour sat the pair together for five days of one test. The only exchange each day was "Good morning". "Good morning."
Neither Jardine nor Larwood played for England again as the old school network swung into action once the Ashes were safely secured.
One of Jardine's Winchester housemasters, when told his former pupil would lead England to Australia, remarked that "we shall win the Ashes but we may lose a Dominion".
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MIKE GATTING AND SHAKOOR RANA
The final over of England's second test in Pakistan at Faisalabad, 1987. England's captain Mike Gatting wanted to move a fielder behind the square leg umpire's back. He advises the batsman. Shakoor Rana spots something amiss and stops play, accusing Gatting of cheating. The pair come together in cricket's most famous photograph, two angry men, fingers jabbing.
Pakistan sit the next day out as Rana waits for an apology. Gatting wanted none of it. The respective boards stepped in. Eventually Gatting offered a hastily scribbled note to Rana.
England were irked by Rana's habit of wearing a Pakistani sweater and cap. There had been trouble in the previous test with a series of dreadful decisions by another Pakistani umpire Shakeel Khan against England.
By the time Rana lit the fuse, England felt they were being dudded left, right and centre.
One curious outcome: so impressed were the English board by their players' sour behaviour through the tour, they received £1000 apiece.
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DARRELL HAIR AND INZAMAM-ul-HAQ
When the abrasive Australian umpire Darrell Hair spotted a bit of unconventional work on the ball during the Oval test between England and Pakistan two years ago, he gave England five penalty runs and offered them a fresh ball. Pakistan, stung by the allegation of ball tampering, refused to emerge after the subsequent tea break.
Hair gave them a few minutes' grace, then lifted the bails, ordering a forfeiture of the test, the first in 129 years.
"The pride of the nation has been hurt. We have been unfairly labelled as cheats," Pakistan captain Inzamam-ul-Haq said. Later, both teams were willing to carry on, but Hair, the dominant partner along with West Indian Billy Doctrove, wouldn't budge. Rules were rules.
When Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer asked Hair why he had changed the ball, Hair replied: "I'm not here to answer that question."
"Hair is one of those characters when he wears the white umpire's coat, he metamorphoses into a mini Hitler," former Pakistan captain Imran Khan wrote at the time. Pakistan board chairman Shaharyar Khan said his board would not accept Hair for any future matches. Sound familiar?
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And don't forget these little beauties ...
THE RUN OUT
It's the final ball of the day, Port-of-Spain, Trinidad, February, 1974, England against the West Indies. Bernard Julien pats the ball to Tony Greig at silly mid off. Alvin Kallicharan, on 142 and at the non-striker's end, starts to walk down the pitch towards the pavilion. Greig turns, throws and hits the stumps, running Kallicharan out.
Cue a serious blue. Talks ran through the night and common sense prevailed with Kallicharan reinstated in the morning, thus avoiding a potentially major incident.
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THE HANDLED BALL
Perth, March 1979 and Australian opener Andrew Hilditch, now chairman of selectors, picks up the ball when it stops near him and hands it to the volatile Pakistani fast-medium bowler Sarfraz Nawaz. He immediately turns and appeals to the umpire, who has no choice but to give Hilditch out handled ball.
Hilditch remains the only player to be given out in that manner while at the non-striker's end. Not illegal, just grossly unsportsmanlike.
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THE SHOULDER CHARGE
The tour by the sourpuss West Indians of 1980. They were unhappy at encountering more resistance than expected from New Zealand, tired at the end of a long year, dirty at what they thought was poor umpiring.
And they didn't like the officious Mr Goodall, New Zealand's senior umpire. So at Lancaster Park in the second test, Colin Croft altered his runup, which usually veered away from the umpire at the crease, and charged into Goodall's left shoulder.
He claimed it was an accident. As you would. His penalty? None.
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THE WALK-OFF
There had been dodgy umpiring during India's series in Australia in 1981. But the third test in Melbourne brought things to a head.
Sunil Gavaskar, India's champion opener and captain - and now the ICC's match rules convenor - was given lbw to Dennis Lillee on 70. The ball was going to hit the stumps but Gavaskar insisted he'd edged it onto his pads.
He was given out, then after a long delay while he made his displeasure clear, signalled to his partner, Chetan Chauhan, to follow him off.
The Indian manager and assistant met them at the boundary and persuaded Chauhan to resume and escorted Gavaskar to the pavilion.
"He spat the dummy right out of the pram," smirked Lillee.
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THE UNDERARM
An old staple. The story's so well known by now it doesn't bear repeating.
Oh, all right. The Melbourne Cricket Ground, February 1, 1981.
New Zealand batsman Brian McKechnie needs to hit a six off Trevor Chappell's final ball to tie - not win, just tie - a World Series final. Brother Greg orders his sibling to bowl it underarm.
Cue thrown bats, embarrassed Australians, yellow-baiting New Zealand Prime Minister Rob Muldoon - and a massive upswing in interest in the ODI game for years.
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THE ANGRY PAKISTANI
At a Sahara Cup ODI in Toronto in 1997, Pakistan had been rolled by India for 116. Inzamam-ul-Haq had made a dawdling 34-ball 10.
He'd been copping persistent abuse from a bloke with a megaphone, including repeated calls of "fat potato", "rotten potato" and "O fatso, stand straight".
Inzamam, fielding at third man, signalled to the dressing room for a bat, which was odd considering Pakistan were fielding at the time.
He then waded into the crowd, singling out megaphone-man Shiv Kumar Thind, a Canadian-based Indian. Security and police managed to intervene. But match referee Jackie Hendricks, while sympathetic to the provocation put on big Inzy, gave him a two-game ban.
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THE TUBBY PROVOCATEUR
Adeliaide Oval, January 1999 and an ODI between Sri Lanka and England. Umpire Ross Emerson called Muttiah Muralitharan for throwing. Tubby Ranatunga, a man who carried a small can of petrol in his back pocket for just such occasions, engaged in a heated argument with Emerson, with much wagging of fingers he eventually led his team to the boundary.
After further discussions, they returned to win a thrilling, acrimonious encounter, which included players barging each other, a mock head butt and poor umpiring decisions in addition to the chucking row.
Match referee Peter van der Merwe issued a punishment to Ranatunga, who got the lawyers involved and ended up with a suspended sentence.
