KEY POINTS:
When Shona "Glad I'm Not A Kennedy" Laing sang on a beach that she doesn't drink alcohol, the message was loud and clear: Mullets will never die.
She was also railing against peer pressure in a boozy culture. But even 1000 Shona Laings may not have got through to English cricketer Andrew "Freddie"Flintoff.
The all-rounder (beer and spirits) was suspended last week for a night on the turps after losing to New Zealand in the World Cup. Flintoff capped off the night by falling out of a paddle boat and almost drowning.
In his defence, those paddle boats are unsafe if you're doing the Macarena while standing on the seat.
The indignation at Flintoff's behaviour is surprising given that much of the outrage has come from former cricketers, who are generally total pissheads.
Need I remind you of David Boon's 52 cans on a flight from Australia to England? Some say it was 53 cans. Only Don Bradman's records have stood longer.
Flintoff's Lancashire team-mate and former Australia batsman Stuart Law thought Flintoff would one day challenge Boon's record. Now that dream is in tatters.
Law also coined the phrase "Freddied" for anyone who had enjoyed a heavy night on the drink. That dream, however, is still alive.
Why is there so much drinking in cricket? Because cricket is built for it. For a start, it's the only sport to have a break called "drinks".
Fans are always shocked when cricketers are spotted drinking at pubs and nightclubs during a test match. I don't know why. The reason players get drunk during a game is because they can. They're only playing cricket the next day. They're not running a goddamn marathon.
On any given day of test cricket, most of the players are either standing around in the field or sitting in the grandstand with their feet up, perfect for nursing a hangover.
Cricket is actually a sport you could play drunk... and possibly improve. Facing a fast bowler wouldn't be as frightening. And perhaps even bowling fast would be easier.
At a recent contest for schoolboy fast bowlers, Shane Bond said the key to bowling quick is relaxation and rhythm. And when are you most relaxed and rhythmic? Exactly.
A drinking culture doesn't prevent success either. Australia are the No 1 cricket country in the world. Even the team's born-again Christian, Adam Gilchrist, enjoys a beer.
Look at the least drunk team at the World Cup? Pakistan. They're going home, after losing to trolleyed Ireland on boozy St Patrick's Day.
It boils down to acceptable behaviour, really. But even then, the line is blurred. In those Alac TV ads, I still can't understand what's wrong with the break-dancing father at his daughter's birthday? She needs to lighten up.
Was Flintoff so naughty? Some would think late-night paddle boating in the Caribbean is romantic, not stupid.
Certainly there are great cricketers who wish they'd have thought of it first - Ian Botham, Shane Warne, even WG Grace.
Although Grace eventually took a stern line on alcohol consumption, on those early tours they got Freddied all over the show. There's even a book about it - The Sons of Lush: Alcohol and The Colonial Cricketer.
There is a sober side to cricket. One of the game's greats is Sir Garfield Sobers, and he wrote a very sober children's novel called Bonaventure and the Flashing Blade, in which computer analysis helps a university cricket team become unbeatable.
But when it comes down to it, whose book would you rather read? Garfield Sobers or drunk Freddie's?
Depends if Freddie wrote it while intoxicated, I suppose.
Watson so good
Outstanding Stormers flanker Luke Watson is the new Duane Monkley.
Watson has never been picked for the Springboks despite his brilliance at openside. Monkley could never make the All Blacks when he was the country's best No 7* (*on Sundays when Michael Jones was unavailable).
Some observers say Watson is too small (the same was said of Monkley). But Watson is a respectable 1.84m and 100kg, and was South Africa's Super 14 player of the year in 2006.
Others say the problem is Watson's father Cheeky Watson, who was famously anti-apartheid and refused to play for the Springboks because of it.
Overlooking Luke Watson is stupidity, as was overlooking Monkley. Ironically Monkley ended his Southern Hemisphere career in Cape Town, playing for Western Province in the 1998 Currie Cup final loss to the Blue Bulls. Watson now wears that jersey.
* Disclosure: Yes, I love Duane Monkley. But it has never been proven that I stalked him and our meeting at Ulster St Pak'N Save in Hamilton six years ago was purely by chance.
