In breaking news: England beat Pakistan by six wickets in the fourth ODI at Lord's tomorrow morning.
Okay, it's become a (relatively) old gag since Pakistan's tour fell under the bus of fixing allegations late last month.
But the weekend's fresh batch of rigging claims from another British newspaper, the Sun surrounding events in Pakistan's 23-run win at The Oval on Saturday simply add to the picture of a tour which cannot be taken seriously. Equally, events during it are desperately serious.
The tour is limping to a wretched conclusion this week and should have been scrapped after the Lord's test when the spot-fixing allegations first surfaced.
The latest claims, which reached the International Cricket Council before the start of the game, involve a pre-arranged sequence of scoring tipped to take place within a specific block of overs.
It is a popular bet on the sub-continent.
The tips came true as the ICC looked on, no doubt with a sinking feeling as the Pakistan innings unfolded.
One area of focus is the 30th to 40th overs of Pakistan's innings. In overs 30-38 Pakistan scored 58 runs, but just seven in the next two, with two batsmen well set.
Two wickets fell in that time, one a bizarre run out of captain Shahid Afridi at the non-strikers' end, when he made no attempt to ground his bat.
When the ICC picked up the stink in the air early in the day, it contemplated getting the game cancelled even as the stands were filling up.
So it's over to cricket's Anti-Corruption and Security Unit. Good luck men.
Where does New Zealand come into this? Have a stab at who this country's only international incoming tourists are in the coming summer ...
And will you part with good money to watch New Zealand playing in tests, T20s and ODIs against opponents of whom you have serious doubts as to how whole-hearted and legitimate their efforts will be?
That's the problem for New Zealand Cricket: how to ensure the turnstiles click, even as fans are trying to figure out where, and how often, the fix has been put in.
Every no-ball, wide, dropped catch, misfield, run out, decision at the toss, blocking of a maiden over, even the timing of a bowling change will come under scrutiny.
"What about that?" will be a common call.
The mistrust of whether a contest is on the level will inevitably lead to disenchantment.
NZC have maintained all their planning is around Pakistan coming to New Zealand, even if they may be shorn of a coterie of their best players.
However, in the back corner of their mind must be the thought of what to do should the ICC decide it would be best all round to give Pakistan an extended holiday from the game.
NZC have to provide a certain amount of international cricket to fulfil broadcasting obligations. The West Indies and Sri Lanka are the only opponents who have no commitments around that time.
So far, NZC have stuck with the line that Pakistan will be coming. They probably will, because it is more likely that the ICC will take action against individuals rather than the country.
For one thing it's easier and politically safer, but that's assuming they have the will, and the irrefutable evidence, to even do that.
So do you really want a below-par Pakistan with allegations of various misdemeanours swirling about them playing New Zealand in 11 international clashes this summer?
And this is why in a larger context, cricket is stuck in its greatest crisis, certainly more momentous than the World Series Cricket-Kerry Packer vs Establishment storm of the late 1970s.
Bottom line, that was rooted in how much players should be paid and who they would play for, nothing to do with cheating and fixing of games by players and bookmakers.
If you are bent, why bother trying to fix the result of a match when spot-fixing offers so many possibilities within the contest for the crook to prosper?
There was nothing bent about the NRL finals at the weekend, but one incident raised an unpleasant spectre.
In the first half, Penrith Panthers' influential forward Luke Lewis banged his head against Anthony Minichiello's knee.
He could barely stand, was as wobbly as if he'd done 10 rounds with George Foreman and one of his grillers and as one commentator remarked was clearly "a sick boy". But there he was back out there for the final quarter trying to help a lost cause against the Roosters.
The meathead response is that it showed how much he wanted to be out there.
The assumption is that medicos can assess real damage to a concussed brain in a few minutes in the dressing room. That sounds about as safe as a politician's promise, not to mention grossly irresponsible.
League loves its big hits, and that's fine. It's dream fodder for the sport's marketers. But there has to be some commonsense applied.
After all, there's something rather more important than just a game of footy to be considered.
In that specific respect players, more often than not, are the worst judges of themselves.
Weekend winner:
Pakistan, after a fashion. Even their wins now raise a stink.
What to watch:
Has to be the NRL preliminary finals - Gold Coast Titans against the Roosters on Friday night; St George Dragons duelling with the Wests Tigers 24 hours later.
<i>David Leggat:</i> Would you pay to see tainted tourists?
AdvertisementAdvertise with NZME.