KEY POINTS:
Thanks to New Zealand, the handful of English cricket fans left in London discovered a new way to combat their team's constant poor performance. Ignorance.
The sound of TV sets clicking off temporarily drowned out the cacophonous city, when New Zealand decimated England's 'engine room' of Collingwood, Pietersen and Flintoff in seven balls.
There was a collective sigh of relief when, in my local pub, the channel was changed and collapsing England were replaced by appalling girl band Girls Aloud.
Remonstrating with the publican proved worthless and he walked away muttering something about the fact it was easier to watch talentless singers than talentless cricketers.
The next morning, instead of the usual tirades from Fleet Street press calling for the axing of players, coaches and water boys, the mood was more of, "oh well, told you we were rubbish" and genuine confusion.
The Sun went with "You Pig Sty", referring to Scott Styris' influential role in the game, while Mike Selvey in the Guardian declared that Styris seemed "to carry the genes of George C Scott", hopefully in reference to his fighting ability. If not, then I'm as confused as you.
The Times compared Styris to the "lesser heralded all-rounders in the competition like Andrew Flintoff, Jacques Kallis" (who we thought were genuine game breakers), which confused me even more.
Even my Kiwi housemates could barely muster excitement as their team got off to the dream start.
"It's just against England," they said with a shrug of their shoulders and shuffled off to bed.
The Black Caps move onto their next match against Kenya and unless aliens invade the stadium, the media coverage over here will be harder to find then an English cricket fan.
