Cricket: Ten clues the cricket match you are watching is fixed

All bets are on - the Pakistanis are coming. Forget ball tampering ... match tampering is the rage.

Cricket became dangerously confusing when we discovered shady characters would rather pay a player for "weather reports" than use the free ones widely available from qualified meteorologists. Huh?

Now, unfortunately, they seem like the good old days before Twenty/20 arrived.

So how can you tell if a few million side bets are influencing a cricket match near you?

Here are the tell-tale signs that fixes might be in - a dummies' guide to cricket dummies.

1 The team buses turn up for a Twenty/20 game

This is one of the best bets that a fiddle is on. Twenty/20 cricket is to match tampering what the meat patty is to the hamburger. Player mottos are rumoured to include: "If you're not broke, fix it anyway."

2 The Black Caps win a few games

There can be no other explanation on current form.

3 Helmet shake

A batsman has forgotten to turn off the vibrating alert on his mobile phone.

4 Strains of Beethoven's Fifth filter out from a batsman's helmet

A batsman has forgotten to turn off the incoming call alert on his mobile phone.

5 A batsman talking to his bat

Perhaps legitimate. Cricketers can be a weird lot, what with all those long hours in the sun. But look for any batsman who also repeatedly pokes the splice or appears to be taking photos with the back of the bat.

He may have a bat phone.

6 A Chris Martin century

Even a neatly compiled 20 from our famous number 11 should raise suspicions of deliberately underperforming bowlers.

7 Vociferous appeals for lbw...

from the non-striking batsman. Sometimes the occasion can overwhelm ... especially when there is a new house in Karachi on the line.

8 The umpires get no-ball elbow

Pakistan in particular have a penchant for overstepping the mark in overstepping the mark. Bowler appeals to the third umpire for no-balls should be treated with tremendous suspicion.

9 Strange fielding tactics

Three at third man is a dead give-away, but keep an eye out for subtle ploys like extravagant dives over the ball and lots of overthrows. (Spills can probably be ignored at the moment, given the general catching standards).

10 Players remain in a huddle on the field ... six hours after stumps are called

The game plan went badly wrong. A syndicate will not amused.