With so many drinkers so excited about a great team in an historic year it's inevitable there will be blow-outs. It's a risk that needed to be managed.
So as a team we decided to install a release valve and "responsibly drink" the night before the first Sri Lanka game. For the good of the series and the World Cup itself the Alternative Commentary Collective had a Christchurch bender.
To the untrained eye this seven-venue, drink-mixing, bonding session backfired horribly. The following morning eight of the nine team members arrived late for the game.
We suffered an embarrassing second innings commentary collapse. A near complete calling capitulation. Dangerously hungover analysts disappeared only to be found sleeping behind the groundsman's hut. Back at the caravan the smell was horrific. Nine men in an enclosed area will naturally produce a stench - but this was different.
Families near the commentary caravan were forced to move away, two visiting females left in anger and a policeman gagged after sticking his head in to investigate.
But like the Black Caps who often find a way when all hope is lost, we found a way. Our ball-by-ball coverage stayed on point for the entire game. It was an exciting and informative description of the day's play, despite the pain. Sadly our cricket analysis wasn't so good. Instead of discussing field positions hungover brains focused on love-making, genitals and masturbation.
Instead of dissecting bowling actions, team members spent hours discussing animal love. Over the course of the game people were slandered, religions blasphemed and both sexes completely degraded.
It was a long and humiliating day. Which is exactly why it was responsible to drink the night before. We have 16 games to call and by going hard day one, we've learned our lesson.
The responsible drinking valve works in the exact way the Feb Fast and Dry July doesn't. Those self-enforced soberathons seed a deep alcohol lust in participants. A month of abstaining is often followed by several months of rampant indulging.
The Alternative Cricket Commentary, on the other hand, went so hard out of the blocks none of us will touch a drink for the rest of our run. (Well, maybe one or two here and there).
If we had followed the "drink responsibly" slogan the way it was intended, the unavoidable blow-out might have happened later on when the Black Caps need us. We could have stunk out a semifinal or final. We would never have forgiven ourselves.
Instead, by responsibly staying out till 4.30am before the first game, drinking beer, tequila, gin, vodka and both colours of wine we ended up feeling, sounding and smelling like crap for the first game of many.
As a team we set ourselves up for the future. Drinking responsibly was the least we at the Alternative Commentary Collective could do to support this great team in this greatest of cricketing years.
