KEY POINTS:
One of my favourite sports stories occurred about six years ago when feng shui consultants were hired by Bristol Rovers football club in England.
Feng shui is the ancient Chinese art of 'placement' - aligning buildings, rooms, furniture and other key elements, like light, colour and sound to allow a flow of natural energy or chi. In keeping with the commercial nature of our times, the ancient practice became twisted so that having 'good feng shui' was not just conducive to a more enjoyable life; it was essential to do well in business.
I know of a hotel which, advised that its lobby had the wrong feng shui, then spent over $1 million re-modelling it and re-siting the massive front doors.
Rovers were not doing well at the time and, with feng shui all the trendy rage, they hired some consultants to sort them out and help reverse a losing streak.
The consultants - Guy de Beaujeu and Patrick Stockhausen - set about making alterations at Bristol's Memorial Ground to change the "spiritual balance" of the stadium. They re-arranged the seating in the directors' box and hospitality suite - putting it all on a 45-degree angle to the pitch so that VIP spectators had to twist their necks to watch the football.
They put a statue of a three-legged frog above the turnstiles, bamboo plants in the corner of the dressing rooms and placed a goldfish bowl, complete with fish, behind Bristol's goal. The whole thing was an elaborate con. The 'consultants' knew nothing about feng shui, had posed as experts and were simply taking the mickey.
I love this story because the mental picture of the directors sitting at a 45-degree angle to the football still makes me laugh. It demonstrates how supposedly intelligent people can show all the mental capacity of a doughnut when it comes to the trendy and the mystical. Ah, grasshopper. Man who pay feng shui consultants get crick in neck and frog on gate.
I also love it because a spokesman for Rovers, caught in an impossibly embarrassing position, spluttered: "They [the consultants] obviously knew a lot more than they thought because, since then, we haven't stopped winning."
Rovers did go on a wee winning spree when they believed their feng shui was right. Somehow, it raised their confidence.
I thought of all this after watching the Black Caps in their first two matches in the Tri-Series against Australia and England and reading coach John Bracewell's comments about suggestions of a lack of confidence being too simplistic. Some of his charges, he said, were simply out of form.
Well, I'm about to be too simplistic. The Black Caps are in a confidence free-fall, sparked by some unfortunate injuries and the even more unfortunate rotation system, brought into play way, way too late. As results went against them and performances suffered, so confidence levels have dipped.
It seemed, at times, that the only person who couldn't see what effect rotation was having on the team was coach Bracewell. I could see it, my family could see it, passersby on the street could see it, blind Freddy could see it, my cat Monty could see it - and he's dead.
He can be stubborn, Bracewell, but he has a keen cricket brain and this is taking obstinacy to a whole new level. He talked about building his 15 for the World Cup; the 'long-term' picture (sic); a batting 'glitch' after New Zealand's woeful 73 against Sri Lanka and not 'exposing' his top team.
Pardon me, Braces, but if they were any more exposed, they'd be on an ice floe in the Arctic in their boxer shorts, surrounded by advancing polar bears.
The mental side of any game is important. Winning begets winning. Confidence grows on achievement. Building up to the World Cup by losing consistently is like training to climb Everest by throwing yourself down a crevasse. Today we face the Australians again. Gulp.
This began even before that horrible 73 against Sri Lanka. Our skipper is out of form at present, after being rested when time in the middle seemed more appropriate. The malaise all this has touched off within the team is still with them.
There is still time, but not much. Little can be expected of Jacob Oram and Kyle Mills who may not quite be ready for this level after injury. With Fleming back in touch, with Bond uninjured and firing (where have I heard that before?) and Scott Styris, Oram and Mills on song, it is still possible for the Black Caps to perform well at the World Cup.
That's a lot of 'ifs', isn't it? Here's another - if things don't get better soon, maybe I'll send Bracewell the email address of Messrs Beaujeau and Stockhausen.
Then watch for the look on the Black Caps' faces when they go out to bat and spy a goldfish bowl behind the stumps. Complete with fish.
