Richard Boock: A pessimist's guide to beating the Aussies

1: Lull them into a false sense of security. This shouldn't be overly difficult, given New Zealand's 5-zip loss to Ricky Ponting's men last summer, and their 4-0 drubbing at the hands of South Africa last month. Add the absence of skipper Stephen Fleming, the total loss of form from some of the top-order batsmen, and news of the team psychologist being called in already, and it looks like New Zealand have them exactly where they want them.

2: Change the start times of the games without telling the tourists. This strategy was admittedly tried during last summer's second test in Wellington without proving a complete success, but with more fine-tuning could result in a forfeit and a famous win for the hosts. Lessons learned from the last attempt? Don't do it if Adam Gilchrist is not out overnight - he seems to thrive on the lack of preparation.

3: Alter the eligibility criteria for the New Zealand team, so that anyone not picked in the Australian squad would automatically become available to Messrs Bracewell, Hadlee, Turner and Nash. This would not only provide an instant solution to New Zealand's much discussed lack of depth, but would also help create an opposition team capable of beating the Aussies. How does this sound for a squad of 13? Nathan Astle, Matthew Hayden, Justin Langer, Scott Styris, Chris Cairns, Michael Bevan, Jacob Oram, Brendon McCullum, Daniel Vettori, Andy Bichel (right), Jason Gillespie, Shane Bond, Stuart MacGill.

4: A last resort perhaps, but still worthy of consideration: Replace NZC chief executive Martin Snedden with Knights soccer boss Steve O'Hara. Then, even if New Zealand do lose badly, everyone will be encouraged to be positive and cheerful, and it will feel just the same as success, anyway.

5: Frame them with blighted apples at Customs, and at the same time raise the penalty for such an offence to capital punishment. Just imagine, a Kangaroo court tonight, firing squad at dawn, and New Zealand might even win the first game at Eden Park (albeit narrowly).