KEY POINTS:
It's a feeling known to many athletes.
You're made to feel part of a team, which is all well and good, and yet you want to feel like you're putting something into the pot.
Jamie How knows it. When he joined the New Zealand team in South Africa
for the recent one-day series he felt it was time to stand up, felt he had yet to really make a substantial contribution.
And the result was scores of 90 at Durban, 76 at Port Elizabeth in New Zealand's convincing seven-wicket wicket win and 15 at Cape Town as the South Africans pinched the series 2-1.
Now he's in Australia preparing for next week's Chappell-Hadlee series feeling pretty good about life.
It might only seem a small step - and, bottom line, it is only two innings - but now How has something tangible to work with.
"I guess the biggest thing is you always get told you feel part of the team and it's a good team atmosphere and the guys are great but nothing beats scoring runs," he said last night.
"The thing is you feel more confident, a bit more settled within yourself in the team."
How has hit four half centuries in eight ODI innings and he's averaging 40.25, since marking his debut with 58 against the Sri Lankans at Queenstown on New Year's Eve two years ago.
Six tests have produced just 131 runs at 14.55 and yet How found it odd to hear people talk of him as a test specialist.
"It was a little frustrating when I was not getting picked for one-dayers and you get a few people referring to you as a test specialist," he said.
"I've never felt a specialist in either part of the game.
"It's still bat vs ball and so it's pleasing to get rid of that tag - but in saying that, it'd be nice to get the test spot back as well."
When New Zealand return home after the Australian trip there's likely to be a queue of people outside coach John Bracewell's door for the opening jobs.
Michael Papps and Craig Cumming had it for the two tests in South Africa. Neither shone, and Cumming copped a broken jaw for his trouble.
But Bangladesh beckon and top order batsmen can envisage a chance to cash in big time.
Lou Vincent and How will be contenders but right now Bangladesh and test cricket are the furthest things from How's mind.
"If I keep working hard and keep looking at the bigger picture those little things will take care of themselves.
"My mind is focussed on trying to do well in this series, bring home the Chappell-Hadlee (trophy) and developing as a player, trying to be consistent and pushing the boundaries."
How, born in New Plymouth and a Central Districts man to the core, made his first-class debut in the 2000-01 season.
At 26, he's been round a while. He has hit eight first-class hundreds, averages 32.80 over 59 matches.
Nothing beats experience, as he pointed out. He's been hardened by the odd setback but is determined to make himself part of the New Zealand furniture.
"I've certainly learnt a lot over my first-class career but the couple of years I've been involved in the Black Caps setup as well have helped me develop quite a bit as a player."
How has taken a hundred off an Australian attack.
Okay, it was Australia A and the coming series will be rather more stressful. Especially as Australian teams tend to enjoy putting fresh faces through the hoop.
At least he knows the territory reasonably well, courtesy of two NZ A trips and a stint with the Australian Capital Territory.
And How is up for the challenge. After all, these are games and this is the environment you aspire to be part of.
"I know it's totally another ball park but I'm looking forward to the challenge of playing the best guys in the world.
"It's a good indicator of where you stand as an international batsman."
His development is about to take a significant step forward.
