KEY POINTS:
Indian paceman Zaheer Khan was obviously sensitive to confectionary, doing his (dough)nut when an Englishman, reportedly Alastair Cook, took to placing jellybeans on a length while he was batting, winding up Khan about his weight.
Ignoring the fact the incident backfired spectacularly when Khan produced a match-winning spell in the second innings fuelled by anger, and also the fact that the fans would far rather see England's need for one-upmanship reflected on the scoreboard rather than in comedic pursuits, it was a novel idea.
In keeping with this new tactic, Dylan Cleaver and Paul Ford have come up with 10 objects for players that, when placed on a length, would surely give the batsman food for thought.
1. Inzamam ul-Haq and a potato
During a one-dayer against India in Toronto expat Indian Shiv Kumar Thind started taunting the Pakistani with megaphone-assisted chants of "mota aaloo, sara alloo [fat potato, rotten potato]". Inzamam eventually waded into the stand to attack him. On a length, a decent-sized Maris Piper potato could assist the bowler no end.
2. Shane Warne and a SIM card
Given his predilection for sending saucy messages to women of dubious motives, an untraceable SIM card placed on a decent length would almost be impossible for Warne to resist.
3. Scott Styris and a $1 coin
It was Stephen Fleming who intimated that his team-mate's liking for a dollar or two was more intense than most. Could use dollar for a sunbed session perhaps.
4. Daniel Vettori and a casino chit
When he first made the NZ team as a teenager, one of Vettori's first purchases was a second-hand, one-armed bandit to practise on. Wouldn't necessarily bet on two flies on a wall, but at the same time it couldn't be ruled out.
5. An un-named Aussie batsman and a TV3 personality's phone number
We're not at liberty to say who, why and what position but he has always scored heavily in our conditions. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge and all that.
6. Ricky Ponting and his missing chromosome
This may be a cheap joke at the expense of Tasmanians, but how long have we had to put up with sheep jokes? Also, with a test average approaching 60, he can take it.
7. Kevin Pietersen and a mirror
According to all reports Pietersen has been in a monogamous relationship with himself since a young age so surely the chance to check out his latest 'do would be a temptation too much for the transplanted South African.
8. Sree Sreesanth and a brain cell
If he picked it up and inserted it into his head, then at least he'd have two. His beamer to Pietersen was disgusting (and no accident), as was his brazen no-ball from around the wicket. In a match full of sweets, he was a turkey.
9. Glenn McGrath and a melting moment biscuit.
This would remind the tall one of that immortal quip from rotund Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes who replied to McGrath's taunt of "Why are you so fat?" with the comeback that every time he slept with McGrath's wife, she gave him a biscuit.
10. Mark Vermeulen and a box of Bryant & Mays matches
Like a cocktail of explosives, this one-time Zimbabwean cricketer turned firebug and general loon would no doubt be intrigued by the possibilities inherent in a box of matches.
