EAST LONDON - From the Kiwi's Guide to the Galaxy, rule 7: Never be in doubt when you walk into a bar full of Boers and hear the word "skaap," followed by peals of laughter.
You are being insulted.
The Akrikaans translation for "sheep" will usually be followed by one of a variety of verbs, none of which is suitable for publication in a family newspaper, and highlights what New Zealand is best known for over here, apart from having the All Blacks, a low crime-rate, and Charlie Dempsey: the morality of our skaap.
Seriously.
We were reminded of this while watching the All Blacks play France on television in a bar in Bloemfontein, where the New Zealand cricketers were about to dig themselves into a very deep hole at the start of the first test against South Africa.
The place had literally been taken over by a group of fairly well-oiled South African reporters and a couple of United Cricket Board officials, who were shouting themselves hoarse in their support for France, spreading vicious rumours about the relationship between our rugby players and skaap, and proceeding to sing the French national anthem every time the Tricolors scored.
They sang the Marseillaise very badly, but with great passion, and far too often for our liking.
After their final-whistle celebrations, one of the New Zealand camp, puzzled at what he had witnessed, ventured up to the group and asked why they had been supporting the French and not the All Blacks.
"Don't take this personally," came the reply, "but we hate you Kiwi b ... "
Sadly, the Springboks just managed to pip Ireland the next day, or the Goodyear Park press box would have been rocked by a stirring rendition of A Soldier's Song.
To be honest, the cricket rivalry has seemed nowhere near as intense, although that may have something to do with the fact that New Zealand have lost a greater proportion of their squad on this tour than the English lost in the Anglo-Boer War 100 years ago.
South Africans were fairly confident about their side's ability to handle New Zealand's front-line combination in the first place, but can afford to be even more magnanimous now the tourists are sporting a bowling attack with L-plates.
It might have been hot and dry in the lead-up to the first test, but Shayne O'Connor aside, there was still a lot of moisture behind the bowlers' ears during that first day's play, and the skaap jokes were thick on the ground when we ventured out later to a local pub named The Mystic Boer, which, come to think of it, was surely a contradiction in terms.
Sort of like The Funny Boer.
That was only a few days ago, but the injury rate has still shown no sign of abating, and at last count New Zealand headed into the limited-over match against Border overnight with only one spare, fit player - Adam Parore - who was enjoying a well-deserved rest.
Apart from the well-documented cases, Hamish Marshall gashed his knee during the test and Chris Martin and Brooke Walker emerged from their debuts with hamstring concerns.
The injury concerns have now got to the stage where even the dyed-in-the-wool Afrikaaners are hoping New Zealand will be able to make a miraculous recovery for the second test at Port Elizabeth next week, and there have even been some who have suggested it would not be so bad if the hosts were knocked over by the underdogs.
Ye gods, South African pity! Just shows how dire things have become.
Cricket: Sheep jokes all the rage with Boers
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