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Australian Test cricket captain Tim Paine has revealed an incredible, and somewhat sordid, insight into the moment his side secured their Ashes victory over England in 2019.
Paine has been an admirable leader for Australia. He's led his side's charge to win back respect after the South African ball tampering scandal. He's done it with humility and good humour and has also been prepared to roll up his sleeves and get dirty.
Until now, we didn't realise just how dirty.
Australia headed to the fourth Ashes Test at Old Trafford last year with the series locked at one-all, needing a win to secure the urn on English soil for the first time since 2001.
Late on day five, victory was in the tourists' sights, with only stubborn lower-order resistance and England's gloomy weather standing between them and a drought-breaking win. Australia needed one more wicket with only few overs left in the day as dark clouds threatened to end the contest early, either through rain or bad light.
It was tense. Really tense. But apart from racking his brain about how to get the most important wicket of his career, Paine had other things to worry about.
Australian Test captain Tim Paine. Photo / Photosport
Speaking on the Keeping it Real podcast, Paine had ex-South Australian wicketkeeper Tim Ludeman, former Victorian gloveman Darren Berry and radio and TV announcer Matt Stewart in stitches as he divulged all the dirty details of his very own Matt Renshaw conundrum.
But instead of legging it off the ground and seeking refuge in a bathroom, the Aussie skipper took a different approach.
"I was feeling a little bit ill and there were some big, dark clouds rolling in over the grandstand and we only had about seven overs left and obviously we needed that one wicket," Paine said. (There were) No drinks breaks left, umpires starting to talk to each other about (bad) light.
"I just had a horrible feeling that I needed to go to the toilet … it was (a) number two and so I basically just thought, 'Righto, can't waste any time, I'm gonna have to (go)'.
"I remember saying to Davey Warner, 'I'm actually going to have to do this', and did."
Just in case that didn't make it clear Paine soiled himself only moments before securing the urn, he continued.
"Unfortunately, it was one of those moments where the crowd went quite quiet," he said. "Because I was a bit unwell, it was a bit runny and you could actually hear it hit the ground.
"That ball was bowled I think by Mitch Starc to big (Craig) Overton. Luckily he didn't edge it because myself and David Warner literally had tears in our eyes, we could not stop laughing."
Tim Paine celebrates with the Australian side after claiming Ashes victory. Photo / Photosport
Berry, who encouraged Paine to spill the beans having been tipped off about the story, put it bluntly.
"So you're telling me, the Australian captain … and no one knows this, you were squatting down behind the stumps, the Ashes about to be secured, Tim Paine soiled himself?" he asked.
Paine answered: "Yep. A number of the boys do know about it, I think probably all. Certainly the slips cordon were aware of it.
"Normally, obviously, you'd run off but, I'm not kidding, there were rain clouds everywhere, it was six or seven overs left, we were down on overs. I just thought they're (the umpires) going to call the game off here and we're going to get stitched-up, so I couldn't be running off the ground.
"I reckon JL (coach Justin Langer) would have knocked me out."
As the Tasmanian explained: "Us wicketkeepers, it's what we tend to do for our team."
Even though Berry had an inkling of Paine's toilet troubles beforehand, hearing the full extent of the 35-year-old's awkward admission from the horse's mouth well and truly surpassed his expectations.
"That's better than I thought because my spy told me that he actually p***ed himself, but Painey's gone one step further and said he actually s*** himself," Berry said.
Paine sealed the story, saying: "Chuck, if I tell you the honest truth, the p*** was about six overs before that."
