Cleaver's Games: March 16

There was a flying tram and a singing dame but for many the highlight of the opening ceremony had to be the look of contempt Queen Liz 2 fired off to Australian PM John Howard as they watched the opening of the 18th Commonwealth Games.

It's hard to say what triggered the offence, but suffice to say the look was roughly equivalent to the one you'd give somebody who had let rip in the car with the windows wound up.

The opening ceremony was bit of a fizzer to be honest.

The reason I know this is my roommate Chris told me. He's a photographer and, like a lot of photographers, is not a big fan of many things, but he was particularly strident in his criticism of the event.

So I think I made the right decision to park on the couch eating tinned soup and listening to Channel Nine's wired world of sports commentary.

It was at times startlingly informative.

At one point there was a roll of thunder and some hosepipe generated rain. "That's to symbolise Melbourne's weather," the commentator breathlessly whinnied.

Could have just about worked that one out myself. But the jewel was when the same commentator said that athletes had didn't want to spend too long on their feet in the arena because their legs "were really important for competition".

Thanks. Very. Much. For. That.

It wasn't the end of the nonsense. Jodi Te Hana (sic), we were told, left with an anterior cruciate ligament.

Which she'd be pleased about, I guess, considering she arrived with one too.

Fish was a recurring theme, a fact that could not have disappointed me more. I have no time for the vile creatures no matter what the context.

They've been there for days sitting on the Yarra River hanging around looking fishy.

The 71 fish represented a country of the Commonwealth. New Zealand ended up with john dory. Not a magnificent marlin (Turks and Caicos Islands) or a behemoth like the whale shark (Maldives), or even the exotic sounding clown triggerfish (Fiji).

No, New Zealand is john-bloody-dory. Only Ghana (sardine) and Wales (common carp) could have been as disappointed.

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READERS' VIEWS

Nothing you have written about us in New Zealand surprises me. I accept that every Australian is an arrogant, stupid and uncouth slob. So accepting that, why don't all 4.1 million of you get on with being as good as you can and ignore us. Trust me; we spend 99.5 per cent of our time ignoring you. Get a life NZ.
- William Burt

Reading your readers' comments it is obvious both Kiwi expatriates and Aussies have been so indoctrinated by gush Nine TV Daily Telegraph journalism. The opening ceremony was a mish mash of ideas and the Queen was right in also thinking the whole thing was a bore. As for the look she gave the guy next to her, the Aussie press likely interpreted it as admiration of how lucky he was to be living in such a great place . PS. Why don't people give up on the old story of claim to the likes of Russell Crowe and company? Really no one wants the likes of them, they only say how much they like the place so that they would be accepted.
- William Berghan

I reviewed the comments posted from the reader (Australian obviously) and wish well in her pursuit in a career with the team at Channel Nine. I believe Dylan could not have been more on the mark. This was another classic from our neighbours over the ditch. While attempting to stay awake during the ceremony various thoughts of my time in Australia came back to me. How is it that this great nation can come up with the classics....Bad Boy Bubby, The Castle, Colin Carpenter, phrases such as "Lets go and run amuck, drink some goon" ....the under arm bowl. Suggesting people abandoning a sinking ship were throwing their children over board. Anyway trying to think of highlights of the night .... an old lady obviously annoyed at England performance in the 6 nations declaring the Games open.....hardly a riveting watch. The question I pose to the readers is what did you find more exciting? Queen Liz's garble or watching the heats of the womans 200 metres freestyle this afternoon. Long may the Games live.
- Richard Clapcott

I'm a Kiwi living in Melbourne. To be frank mate - its disappointing to read your sour-puss, anti-Aussie comments. Cheer up - the Aussies are pretty much exactly the same as us - I can say this after many years here and they like us us too. Be honest - your attempts at sour wit are lame. Try to be a bit more up-beat - its meant to be sport!
- Mark Holden, Richmond

I am a Kiwi living in Australia loving the place and people. The only thing I find hard to cope with apart from the fact that they claim NZers as their own ie. Crowded House, Sam Neill, Russell Crowe etc is the one-eyedness they have towards their sports-teams/people. I agree that Australia is now one of the leading countries in the world in sports but give credit due to other nations when they do well. All I hear and see on television is how much better they are to everyone else even when they get beaten for the gold, silver or bronze. Yes, we NZers are laid back and mightn't have the same killer instincts that Australians have or the unlimited financial resources to pour into sports but at least we are humble enough to say about others, didn't they do well!.
- A Nicholas

As a Kiwi living in Oz, I have become (almost) immune to the constant need of the locals for self congratulation. So when I read about the "not amused" look from Her Majesty toward the all seeing, all knowing PM, I was amused. He who can do nothing wrong (he also has the virus) must be cut to the quick. Bang. In one look there goes the knighthood, the accolades, the winner's grin. But we jest when the main game is yet to be played, the medal tally. No person can deny that the locals are great competitors; just that they have weak achilles when losing. They move on quickly to the next hype-media-driven contest. All the while exhorted and encouraged by every one and sundry. Winners are grinners. Losers don't exist. But credit where it is due; organising a media event is down pat, and we saw this in the Games Opening Ceremony. Pyrotechnics; wired for sound or flight; the ubiquitous indigenous pandering; local and near local - well she did marry a local - musical talent, dancers and performers. But it seems the locals are not fooled. Even with the inclusion of AFL captains (not a Commonwealth Games Event!), captains of sport past and present, iconic trams and the like, it was all a bit ho-hum. And one TV stations online poll suggested it was all rather dull. But not the Premier, who said (he has the virus) " we delivered the best Opening Ceremony of any Commonwealth Games yet..." I will enjoy watching the games, but plan on having the sound turned off most of the time. Thank goodness for TV remotes. Oh for a dose of Keith Quinn's commentary!!!
- Rick

Just thought your article regarding the Opening Ceremony of the Commonwealth Games couldn't have been more obvious of profound jealousy and lack of journalism prowess. Funny how such a journalist from a country the size of Melbourne's population could have such high expectations and be quote "bored" by the commentary and the "fizzled" nature of the ceremony. I'm assuming you've seen better work done by NZ and thus that's the reason the Commonwealth countries (or any countries for that matter) flock to your shores. Yeah, didn't think so... I'd be surprised how many of them knew where it actually is. So next time feel free to stay home and cheer on a group who will languish at the bottom of the medals tally as always, then you could bring along a cheer squad to greet them at the airport for at least making an appearance. I'm sure you'll organise a magnificent reception complete with party poppers and streamers, my how exciting.
- Sonjya Anderson