Chris Rattue: Games-time horror and the phonecalls from hell

The Melbourne Commonwealth Games are almost upon us, and the phones are about to run hot.

If you work in the sports department of a newspaper, and you've been overlooked for the big assignment, then Olympic or Commonwealth Games mean one thing - SCHOOL PROJECTS.

It starts like this.

PHONE: Ring, Ring.

JOURNO: Mmmm. That phone hasn't rung for months. Must be (da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da Jaws music) Games time.

CALLER: Hi. It's Mrs Brown here. My Shirley is doing a Commonwealth Games project ...

JOURNO (thinks): Oh no, it is Games time ...

JOURNO (says): How lovely to hear from you. How is wee Shirley? How can we help?

CALLER: We're after the names, addresses, ages and mothers' maiden names for all the fullbore rifle silver medal winners since the year dot. If you've got the serial numbers for the rifles it would be a big help. No pressure mate - Shirley's entire school prospects rest on this but the project is only due by lunchtime.

JOURNO: Scream. Accidentally cuts caller off.

PHONE: Ring, ring.

So here - in a world first - is a pre-emptive strike on school projects.

All the facts, the figures, past performances and predictions - dig into this treasure trove and you are guaranteed to come away with nothing less than a D minus.

* Yes, Brunei Darussalam is in the Commonwealth Games. Brunei's population is only of Christchurch proportions but even Sam Morgan would have a hell of a job getting on the Brunei rich list. Put it this way - Chelsea are lucky that the Sultan of Brunei isn't a Bognor Regis Town fan.

Brunei have never won a Games medal and their hopes rest on a lawn bowls team that is probably worth more than our country's entire export earnings.

The capital of Brunei is Bandar Seri Begawan, which wins the prize for the capital with the flashest name.

* An old codger is bound to tell you that the first time he ever saw colour TV was during the 1974 Commonwealth Games in Christchurch. See. Told you so.

* New Zealand Sevens rugby player Amasio Valence has already set two Commonwealth Games records.

He is the first player from a wider training group to go to the Games, the reason being that a wider training group is something that was only invented by the New Zealand Rugby Union a couple of years ago.

Amasio is also the first "athlete" to make the Games thanks to a dead-set miracle. Last week, he was headed for the sports obituary columns when sevens coach Gordon Tietjens said Amasio's "fitness levels are not where they need to be to play at the Commonwealth Games where players have to be on top of their game". This week, Amasio is able to replace Doug Howlett because "he was aware that if his fitness test results were good and he did well at training he would be considered in the event of an injury". Amasio will be jumping for joy - if his knee is strong enough, that is.

* An athlete will miss the opening ceremony to prepare for their first event, and someone will write about it. Why? Because they always do. But rest easy kids, because your country will survive this crisis.

* Yes, shooting is still in the Commonwealth Games. New Zealand is sending so many shooters that you suspect they've hoodwinked the selectors into picking the wider training group. Why is shooting in the Commonwealth Games? Because it makes for really weird photos where the shooters look like they've wrapped their noggins in Nasa castoffs.

* Apart from Dick Tayler's epic 10,000m win and the classic Filbert Bayi-John Walker world record producing duel in the 1500m, the 1974 Commonwealth Games in Christchurch were famous for two mistakes. English hurdler Alan Pascoe kept falling over the same hurdle while trying to celebrate winning gold and New Zealand super-heavy weightlifter Graham May almost chucked his weights in the lap of Princess Anne. Who knows if royalty was amused but Pascoe has laughed all the way to the bank - he's a multi-millionaire businessman nowadays.

* If your mum and dad go on and on about the 1974 Games, believe them. They were fabulous. Sport was a lot of reasonably innocent fun back then. People even remember the 1974 Games theme song ("Let's join together, let the laughter fill the air", if the memory serves me right) and aren't too embarrassed to sing it. Try singing those words at a sporting event these days and you'd get laughter all right, as in laughed right out of the stadium.

Youngsters might find that folks are less likely to yap about the fashion of the 1970s, however (although the 1974 Games symbol has just made a comeback on t-shirts). If you get bored with the Games and want a bit of fun, ask your folks about towelling hats.

* The 1990 Auckland Games had their moments, but no one really remembers much about them.

The cycling was quite good.

* Australia heaved a sigh of relief when the Games medals were revealed last week. This event doesn't normally receive much attention, but the Aussies stuffed up at the 2000 Olympics when they embossed a Roman colosseum on the medals instead of a Greek temple.

* Now we'll find out if Australia has other swimmers besides Ian Thorpe although they may be very hard to spot.

* Someone will declare that the Commonwealth Games were the best thing for Melbourne since an Aussie Rules event we've never heard of. And someone else will declare the Games a financial disaster which has left the city with a load of useless stadiums. Don't worry about this. One of the great Games traditions is that nobody has a clue whether they do the host any good or not.

* The Games will seem like they're over before they started. There's an awful lot of lead-up but then woosh, they're gone, leaving a joyful city or a broke city (see above).

* Sarah Ulmer will be called a golden girl.

* We'll gush over our medals and gloss over the failures. This is official national Games policy in the true spirit of sport.

* There's an outstanding chance that you will get sick of hearing the Australian national anthem.

* Australian Prime Minister John Howard will look very pleased.

* Someone you have never heard of will become famous for a day and then you will never hear of them again.

* A lot of you will wonder why we have a Commonwealth in the first place. The reason is simple: so we can have the Commonwealth Games.