Comment: Title for sport's stupidest athlete can now be awarded in perpetuity to Ryan Lochte

Call off the dogs. The hunt is over. The search was exhaustive, the competition ferocious, but the title for sport's stupidest athlete can now be awarded in perpetuity to Ryan Lochte: swimmer, model, idiot extraordinaire.

On Monday, the United States Anti Doping Agency announced that it was suspending Lochte for 14 months after he received an intravenous infusion without a therapeutic use exemption. The source for USADA's information? Lochte's own Instagram account. Much like a thief getting caught for taking a selfie on a stolen phone, Lochte had posted a picture of himself hooked up to an IV drip. Just for good measure, Lochte added "Athletic recovery with #IV".

Even if USADA accepted Lochte's explanation that he was using "vitamins" rather than a performance-enhancing substance, this was not a rookie mistake. Lochte is 33. He has won at 12 medals at four Olympics Games.

The panel would like to make clear that the award was not just allocated for a single act, however outstandingly boneheaded, but for a consistent body of work going back many years. Most people will recall his previous greatest hit, the great Rio taxi robbery fabrication. For those who do not remember the details, Lochte claimed that he and fellow swimmers Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen were robbed at gunpoint from a taxi by men posing as police officers on a night out during the Rio Olympics.

"They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground — they got down on the ground," Lochte said at the time. "I refused, I was like we didn't do anything wrong, so — I'm not getting down on the ground."

And here’s the (quickly deleted) post that probably ended a career. Safe to assume that Ryan Lochte hadn’t been following Samir Nasri’s attempts to rediscover his best form. pic.twitter.com/vEk6F0sqlC

— Matt Slater (@mjshrimper) July 23, 2018

The truth, which gradually came out after Lochte fled back to the United States, revealed the quartet had vandalised a petrol station bathroom and urinated on a wall at 5am while blind drunk. The confrontation occurred when security guards requested appropriate compensation. Slightly less heroic than the "I refused" version of events.

Even then Lochte remained obnoxiously oblivious to the consequences of his actions. While his teammates were held in Brazilian police custody and United States Olympic Committee had to issue a grovelling apology, Lochte was releasing cartoonish videos of himself babbling inanities. He later blamed the media, naturally.

None of this was much surprise to American journalists who have followed his career. As Sally Jenkins wrote in the Washington Post, "Ryan Lochte is the dumbest bell that ever rang."

The perfect embodiment of the Frat Boy sense of entitlement, he served as the inspiration for Zac Efron's moronic character in the recent Baywatch film. He previously attempted to trademark the word "Jeah" as his own personal catchphrase. "It means almost like everything, like, happy," Lochte said. "If you have a good swim, you say 'JEAH!' Like it's good. So I guess … it means … good. It means 'good'."

As the home of the Kardashians, the E! network recognised a prize moron when it saw one and handed Lochte his own reality television show called 'What Would Ryan Lochte Do?' The answer involved going on dates with air-heads of equal vapidity and having his mum show him how to tie a tie (aged 27). It was cancelled after five weeks which is a shame because the world will be denied future pearls of wisdom such: "Something will pop up in my head. It could be like the weirdest thing. Like all'a sudden like I have like a jumping banana in my head. And I stop and pause. I'm like that damn jumping banana is in my head. Like, I don't know what's going on."

The suspension means that Lochte will not be able to compete in next year's World Championship and in all probability will miss the Tokyo Olympics. Still at least he has one last award for his mantlepiece. I am sure he appreciates shiny things.