1 When beach cricket presents, seize the bat and play an innings of Gavaskar v England 1975 World Cup proportions (i.e. don't let your strike rate get over 21 and leave most of the deliveries outside off stump until you've seen the fluff off the tennis ball). But a moment will come when you must unleash. A bowler, possibly your six-year-old, will drop short. They know it, you know it, and you've got time. Rock onto the back foot, give yourself room outside off stump and square cut it with a force that demands a swimmer to retrieve it. Ah, you're feeling better already.
2 Speaking of the water, you're hardly Kelly Slater when it comes to cutting a svelte swathe through the waves, but what the hell, anyone can body surf with enough attempts (and optimum buoyancy). Let the wave do the work and down you roll, euphoric in its grasp. Hey, you've just been crowned King of the Ripples.
3 Head to the golf course to enact that New Year's resolution that you'll play once a week. It'll be more like once a year, but dreams are free. At some point (probably once in the round), you'll hit a decent tee shot on a par four, placing you about 140 yards out. You know you've got this. Demand your eight-year-old caddy pops the clubs down. Pretend to consult with them in front of your partners about wind direction et al and reach for the seven iron. Take an easy Ernie Els swing and ... whack. Embrace the satisfaction of being on the green in regulation, ready to four-putt.
4 Get on a tennis court in a collared but loose-fitting shirt and McEnroe headband and prepare to unleash Mr Subtle. Damn these big-serving power games requiring more energy than a full English breakfast will permit. Opt instead for a gentle serve and baseline strategy which keeps your father-in-law running. Then, when your opponent's at the end of their shuttle running tether, step in for the coup de grace, a drop shot to lock their hamstrings. Thank you linesmen, thank you ballboys (and girls).
